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I feel so incredibly lucky to be with the guy I am with now...
I apologize if it's too long. There's just way too much to talk about.
So a couple of months ago, I was going through some tough times.
Struggling through depression and my anxiety disorder, I felt completely alone.
Sure, I had friends and I had a pretty nice boyfriend. Thing is, none of them could really understand what I was going through. They tried their best to support me through it all, but I wasn't getting any better. Then one day, I bumped into him.
Never had I even possibly imagined that that moment would forever change my life. I knew the boy from piano class that we had taken together for years and years. Once a month we had a thing called "Master Class" which was basically when a certain age group met up and we discussed piano theory or certain piano composers. Boring stuff, really. He was always there, never really talking. I never even knew how old he was. Everytime I went to piano concerts, I always looked forward to hearing him play. His skill was so above everyone elses that the moment he played, it made even the teacher's song crumble away into dirt. My heart would freeze, I could almost feel his anguish as he played advanced music, pouring his heart into the keys. But that's all I knew him as. The incredible pianist. Never had it crossed my mind that he was the one.
One day, he bumped into me in the hallways at my school. My heart jumped, as I realized it was him. He asked me a completely irrelevant question. I blinked with surprise that he was talking to me. I wasn't quite sure if he recognized me, since it had been years since I'd last seen him at "Master Class" or any recitals. I answered the question with an embarassed giggle, palms getting sweaty, then I hurried off to class not wanting to be late. And that was that. Just a chance meeting. Nothing more. I brushed it off and forgot about it.
A month or so later, I recieved a text message from a number I did not recognize. I answered back asking who it was. The message sender replied with "Jon". It didn't ring a bell. I knew so many Jons, and had even dated one about a year or so before. I asked "Jon who?" and was immediately responded with a sad face and a disheartened "You don't remember me?" I put down my phone, and didn't answer the question and went to sleep. Who was this Jon?
Weeks passed. Maybe even a month. I didn't hear from this Jon boy. Until one day, I was talking to one of my friends who had been in my english class in first semester before I had changed teachers. In the middle of our conversation I was interrupted by a low attractive voice that was quite familiar, saying "So Raymond, when're we meeting up for this project?" I turned around and it was him. The boy who had bumped into me and asked me a random question a month or two ago. What a coincidence? After exchanging a few words, his eyes met mine and he said he had to show me something. He reached into his pocket and took out his phone, pointing to the screen. I curiously looked on, not really know what to expect. I saw that the message I had recieved a few weeks ago was him! "Remember this?" He asked me. I nodded and smiled, feeling embarassed that I hadn't realized it was him. I knew his name was Jon, but I just had not expected that he would talk to ME.
That day we talked a little bit, he made me smile a lot and he seemed like a nice guy. I still found that my heart beat unevenly and my palms sweated when I was near him. And something about the way he talked seemed more than just friendly to me. But I brushed it off, thinking I was just imagining things. He then told me goodbye, and walked to his bus.
I went home, and he was on my mind more than he should have been. I tried to push him out, but I just couldn't. Something about him just drew me in, and I could not put my finger on it. I decided to text him back that night for the first time in a long time. It was the day before Spring Break if I remember correctly.. I texted him and we talked a bit. We talked as if we'd known eachother for years. Letting eachother in on little secrets here and there that I had never told people I had known for years. I learned his secret nerdy liking for pokemon. I shared the same liking. He told me there was a story he wanted to tell me. He called it his "Eevee Story." But he also told me that he would have to send it to me through the computer since it was such a long story. I convinced him into getting a myspace for me, just so he could tell me his story.
I came home the next day with a long story. The way he worded it was just so incredibly cute. I burst out laughing almost to the point of tears. I would post up his story, but I don't know how much he'd like that, and it's also pretty long. I still have the message anyway..
Like I said, it was Spring Break, so we had plenty of time to talk to eachother. I would hop onto the computer and message him in my spare time. Gradually, our messages grew longer and longer, till we began to open up to eachother about much more serious things. And in a course of a week he knew about my troubles with self infliction, and I knew that he had gone through the same thing. This may seem a bit rash, that we opened up to eachother this quickly, but I am so glad we did. After just a few days, we had this powerful connection. We could relate to eachother, we were both struggling through hard times, we both understood eachother. Finally, I felt a bit of the weight of the loneliness lift off me, knowing that I wasn't the only one who felt that way I did.
Spring Break was over, and we had both let a little bit of ourselves show. Now, it was time to actually talk to him in person. I was incredibly anxious, wanting to talk to him immediately. But at the same time, I was nervous, too. I was afraid that it might be akward or feel funny when we talked. We had agreed on meeting up at my locker afterschool, and that's what I was planning on doing. Until I walked by him on my way to my 3rd period class. His back was turned to me and he was taking his things out of his locker. My heart jumped and the next moment I found my entire body growing feverish. Should I talk to him or should I stick to the plan? I took a deep breath, and decided not to wait.
When I reached him, I didn't know what to say, so I merely tapped on his shoulder. He turned around and had the most shocked expression on his face. I can't really describe his expression well at all, but his face went pale and he looked almost scared. I smiled, trying to ease up the atmosphere and said "Do you remember me?" He looked at me confused, and I said "Sheila..?" Then he managed a stuttered "y..yeah. Hey." I felt embarassed when he reacted the way he did, but I tried to hide it. The first thought that crossed my mind was that he didn't want to be talking to me. That he was embarassed that I was talking to him, because of the fact that I was a freshman and he was a sophmore (I failed to mention this because age to us is no barrier to how we feel about eachother). We struggled with an incredibly akward conversation, and then the two of us went our separate ways to class. I didn't see him the rest of the day.
Afterschool, once I'd gathered all my things and force fed them to my backpack, I lingered around, waiting for him. My stomach felt uneasy, and I was nervous that he'd either not show up, or that things would be akward again. When I saw him he was walking amongst his friends, if I can remember correctly.. but when he saw me, he broke off from them and they left. Of course, as he approached my heart began to pound painfully against my chest. To my surprise when he saw me, he immediately took my hand and examined my wrists, which I had covered up with some hairbands. My heart froze at his touch, and I felt almost faint. Then he brought me close and whispered into my ear with a distinct intensity, "Don't hurt yourself anymore, I'm here if you need to talk, okay?" There was no softness in his tone. It seemed almost a little harsh, like he was scolding me.
It scared me a little, but when I looked into his eyes afterwards, I could see that he meant them with great care. I smiled at him and told him I would try. He had to leave almost immediately afterwards because his bus was leaving.
I went home, tired. Confused. We talked that night as usual, and I fell asleep texting him till late late at night.
Skipping forward a bit.
At this point we were talking everyday, our late night texts had turned into late night calls. We talked constantly, saw eachother as often as we could. But still, our status remained friendly. Nothing more. I could feel myself developing stronger feelings for him. Feelings more than just friendly ones. But I had a boyfriend at the time, who I could feel myself gradually growing more and more distant from. My mind was never on him anymore. Evertime my phone lighted up with a text message, I opened it up hoping it was Jon. When it was him, I would leap for joy and smile widely, when it was my boyfriend I would feel disappointed.
One day, we decided to switch clothes. The two of us brought an extra shirt, and when we saw eachother we exchanged excitedly. I gave him one of my T-shirts that was just a little too big for me, and he gave me one of his more fitted navy colored polo shirts. I took it to choir class, planning on changing into his shirt once it was lunch time. This may sound a little odd, but when I got to choir class, I took his shirt and took a deep breath. I recognized the aroma; it smelled like him. At first, a sweet aroma, with the afterbite a little harsher and more masculine. It made me dizzy.
Once the bell rang, I rushed out of class to head to the bathroom so I could change into his shirt. I pulled it over my head and found that it fit me very well. A little loose around my midsection, but all in all it looked good. When I saw him later in the day, it looked like my shirt fit as also. We exchanged smiles and laughed a little. And he told me I looked good in his shirt. I felt my face grow warm, but I kept my composure and thanked him, saying he did too.
That same day something bad happened and I became incredibly upset. Once the bell rang, I ran through the hallways, feeling sick in the stomach. I avoided all contact with anyone, and pushed my way through to the nearest bathroom where I locked myself in a stall. When the tardy bell had long ago rang and I was sure the bathroom was completely empty, I took out my scissors and began slashing my shoulder. But before doing so, I had texted Jon and told him I wasn't feeling good. A moment later I recieved a message saying "Where are you? I'm coming." I sat in the bathroom trembling, my fingers were ice cold, and my body felt numb as I cut away at my shoulder. Soon I heard his voice. "Sheila...?" He called, the concern in his voice very distinct. I stopped what I was doing immediately and I felt my heart freeze. I wasn't sure whether I was just hearing things or if he was really there. "Sheila..?" He repeated. This time I managed a feeble "Yes?" Still not quite believing what was happening. "Can you come out?" He asked me. Again I managed a yes. I grabbed a few pieces of tissue and pressed them against my shoulder as I walked out slowly, feeling dizzy from the adrenaline.
I left the bathroom and he immediately took my hand and guided me to a smaller hallway into a little indent in the wall where no cameras would see us. The way he looked at me just killed me. The worry in his eyes. I could feel his pain. It was burning through me. He looked at my shoulder, which wasn't too bad, and placed his fingers against my shoulder, holding the tissue into place as the blood soaked through. Then suddenly, he took me into his arms and held me tightly as I began to cry into his chest. Burying my face, trying to hide the tears.For a few moments, both of us were silent as my sobbing turned to hiccups and eventually to mere sniffles. I looked up at him, my cheeks stained with light gray smudges of eyeliner, two tears still remaining in the crevices of my eyes. He wiped my tears away gently, he held me so close to him, our faces so close. Through all the tears, I still couldn't help but blush. He was holding me so tenderly, and our lips only inches apart. For just a second, the thought of his lips against mine brushed against my mind, but it quickly slipped away, remembering why he was here. With the most gentle voice, he reminded me that he would always be here for me and that I had no reason to hurt myself anymore. He told me if I ever needed a shoulder to cry on, he'd be there for me.
His fingers were stained red with my blood.
Skipped Ahead Some More
We were together at this point.
My other boyfriend and I had broken up.
One morning, I was having a bad morning, so I slept in and missed my track practice which was very early in the morning. Instead I woke up a little later and headed to my school where I met Jon. He and I decided to walk to Jack in the Box instead of going to our first period classes. We ran across streets, holding hands, giggling together at nothing at all, and just talking about anything that came to our minds. We talked about getting back to school by second period, so we had a limited amount of time in which we could stay. After both getting rather large Oreo shakes, we began to head back. On our way back, we heard the bell ring. We figured it was the passing period bell, until we heard the announcements. At this point we realized we were late, so we dropped our shakes and took off running as fast as we could, holding hands the entire time. When we reached the school, the doors were locked, but of course Jon had a way to swing open the door, and we both ran in. I got off with an excuse about "feeling sick."
A few weeks later, Jon took me to the movies. During the movie, he held me gently, playing with my hair, giving my random kisses every once in a while. And then after the movie we headed out to go eat dinner somewhere. We reserved seats but we had a while before they would be ready. The sun was beginning to set, sending a golden shine to everything in the path of the sun's light, and the first notes of the chirps of crickets began to fill the air. The two of us headed out to a an empty field close to the restaraunt, where we held hands. We wanted to wrestle eachother, but I didn't want to land in the grass, due to my fear of bugs. As we walked further into the field, the sun set further, and the sound of the crickets grew. I became uneasy, and Jon noticed. He took me into his arms, and lifted me off the ground telling me he'd protect me and keep me safe. I smiled.
Then his face turned a little serious as he set me down. "There's something I wanted to tell you, but I'm not sure if I should." He said. My heart began to beat even harder than it had earlier. My face showed a mix of confusion and curiousity, "What is it? You know you can tell me anything." I reassured him. His expression softened and he smiled. He took my hands and held them tightly, looking into my eyes. "These words I'm about to say come from my heart and are true. You can choose to believe it or not." I felt my body freeze, anxious to hear the next three words. His eyes softened and seemed to sparkle, and his face showed something I had never seen before. He gently placed his arms around my waist and hugged me to him, so that his lips just brushed against my ears. "I love you." He whispered, his voice so delicate, so gentle, so passionate, that my eyes teared up. My upper lip trembled as I forced back tears and pulled away enough to see his eyes, which almost seemed to tear up a bit themselves. I felt as if I was going to collapse, so overwhelmed with emotion. I took his face into my hands, and pulled him towards me, kissing him. Trying to show him my emotions, my feelings, without saying a word.
At the time I couldn't say those words back. Not quite yet. But some time later, coincidentally, I told him I loved him in the same place.
There's still so much to stay, but I'm going to leave it at that since I've already written too much.
If you take the time to read this then wow, thank you. haha. (:
 contagious coma · Sun Sep 07, 2008 @ 08:00pm · 0 Comments |
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