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Gasman Reviews: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides |
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http://rustyspatula.com/index.php/2011/05/20/gasman-reviews-pirates-of-the-caribbean-on-stranger-tides
This movie was the most disappointing thing since the Phantom Menace. Wait no, I take that back, because I did not go into this movie expecting anything spectacular, or anything remotely good. In fact, before walking into the theater, I announced to all the teenagers and high-schoolers dressed as pirates that this movie was going to suck and that it was going to be stupid. In the end it actually did live up to my standards, and I was actually happy and quite pleased because I was right, and nobody stood up to challenge me; they all knew I was right, they all left disappointed in not only the movie, but in themselves. I guess that sort of makes me a bad person to take joy in other's misery, but at least I didn't steal their money and feed them 137 minutes of bullshit. Wait, 137 minutes?! God, how did I stand sitting through all that?!
Let's start with the opening. The movie begins with some supposed Spaniards, who speak fluent English and maybe garble a few words of Spanish their whole screen time, pull up a body out of the water. They then somehow get an audience with King Ferdinand in the middle of the night, presumably the very same night, which begs the question of how did they get to shore so fast, and why is the king of Spain fully clothed in the middle of the night, not sleepy at all, almost... prepared for some sort of announcement about a crazy guy spouting stuff about the Fountain of Youth. So that there sets the premise for the rest of the movie; finding the Fountain of Youth, and I guess the Spanish are gonna be key antagonists because the Spanish King sends off this guy called the Spaniard to find the Fountain and destroy it, who is the first key character to be introduced. Or, y'know, if the movie made sense that would be the case. We actually only see this guy maybe two or three more times, one of those times he's seen by another character from a great distance and doesn't actually say or do anything, and the last time we see this seemingly important character is at the very end of the movie. And to top the whole thing off, his final appearance adds nothing to the film; him and his Spaniards sort of march into the fountain area (I'll get into... that point later), say that they're here to destroy the Fountain of Youth, proceed to do so, and then leave. That's it, no grand final fight scene against... these guys who are just sort of there in the backdrop. I mean come on, the whole time people are like "we've gotta get to the Fountain before the Spanish get there!" But when the Spanish finally arrive, everyone sort of adopts this whole attitude of "oh, it's the Spanish. They're just here to destroy the Fountain, they'll be out of our hair in a minute so we can keep bickering about, what again?" And what about the whole rivalry or conflict between the Spanish and the British? Before this scene it's made out to be this huge thing, but when it comes down to brass tacks the British just stand there and let the Spanish do their thing and leave. Really, the Spanish just walk away when they are done destroying the fountain. Okay, they maybe have to fight a few of Blackbeard's crew, but they don't really care a whole lot about fighting the Spanish, and they were dicks and are easily killed by a falling pillar. To really sum this up, we have a character presented to us in the very beginning of the film, who is introduced like a main villain would be, but instead we get backdrop and ********. And this is just touching the surface of how awful this movie is.
Now we're in London and we have Gibbs in prison, where he is to be hanged because somehow he is framed as Jack Sparrow. And for those who don't know who Gibbs is, it's Sparrow's mutton-chopped side-kick. So we have him taken to trial, nobody believes that this chubby dude is not Jack Sparrow. Now, the camera cuts to some money being passed around between judges, not sure what that is about, sort of, until we then see the main judge step out and OH LOOKIE Jack Sparrow is dressed as a judge and everyone believes it. Even the judges who would recognize the face and voice of the head judge guy and know that this is an imposter. Or, maybe that's what the money is, it's never explained so let's do whatever we want with that. ********, the rest of the scene is just Jack Sparrow being silly, showing us the map to the Fountain of Youth, and getting captured by the British. Where he continues to act silly for cheap laughs because his whole... blundering about being sort of charming sort of drunk routine hasn't gotten stale yet? Anyways he has a meeting with a fat King George II, meets Barbossa who is in employment of the British SOMEHOW and is again SOMEHOW captain of a British ship. And then Jack Sparrow acts silly some more, manages to escape and evades the British soldiers through a series of swings and jumps and landing atop carriages and just... being silly. Now, I love how the British soldiers are constantly shown to be buffoons by this guy in sword play and by his acrobatic maneuverings, which by the way have gone from being dumb drunken luck to this guy actually knows exactly what he's doing, and probably has some levels in Monk. This then begs the question, why not just shoot the guy? The King never says he wants him alive or anything, I mean he does hope that Jack will lead him to the Fountain of Youth because he just... really doesn't want the Spanish to get there first (here's that rivalry I mentioned, which gets more and more downplayed throughout the course of the film). But I guess that gives some reason to not shoot him and sort of gives a bit leniency to the soldiers. And then all leniency is taken away when one soldier chases after Sparrow, yells to other guards something along the lines of "this way" or "he's over here", but then, and I still don't get this, but then he removes his sword and pistol from his belt and leaves them on the table near him. I do not understand this at all, I don't even think the actor understood, I swear he looked a little confused himself. Or y'know, we're just supposed to suspend belief because how else is Jack Sparrow going to arm himself? Because that's what happened, Jack Sparrow was underneath that very table and took the sword and pistol. I could keep going on, like why did the carriage drivers did not stop their carriages when Jack was on top of them with MANY British soldiers on foot chasing him, or these two chaps carrying a board, Sparrow rides the ******** board to get to a different carriage. Like they really carry him around for a few steps, not even looking the least bit perturbed by this, like that was normal for the streets of London. Anyways, no more, there's too much stupidity later to dwell in the beginning of the movie.
Alright, next we get Captain Teague, Sparrow's father, for about two minutes of screen time to give Jackie some advice. And hey look! He said a few more lines than last time! I guess they listened when people complained that they wanted more screen time with Keith Richards, but maybe the couldn't afford more than a few lines because he's ******** Keith Richards. Anyways, then we get to meet Penelope Cruz, who is pretended to be Jack Sparrow, which leads to a much too drawn out fight scene aboard rafters, barrels, and a fire pit. Then they kiss, make a bit of dialogue back-story between them, and then we get more incompetent British soldiers. The thing that bothers me about this scene is just how unreal it is. I mean sure, we've been pushing suspended belief for quite a while now, but the British soldiers come in and just muck about and cause a ruckus that we barely see because they are all getting tripped up by one silly pirate and one hot pirate. For starters, why did they kick down the door? Why not just open fire if they know Sparrow is in there, or open fire to begin with, they can't possibly care about hurting a bunch of drunks who signed up to be pirates could they? Don't they hang pirates regularly, so why not just cut out the middle man and get them right then and there? But I guess we need a way for the plot to move forward, so soldiers come and our two sort-of heroes jump into the water. Wait, weren't they in the middle of London? I guess we have to assume that it's a hole for dumping stuff or something, AND that it's connected to the waters outside London. And we must assume that, because the next scene Jack and Angelica (right, Cruz's character's name is Angelica) are swimming and pulling themselves out of the water just outside of on the edges of London. Which THEN means they swam all the way there, which I guess they could do, but I'm pretty sure they'd be pretty too damn tired to engage in more witty banter after pulling themselves out. Or I guess they're pirates so they can do that sort of thing.
Oh, and while this is happening, we get cut to Gibbs, prisoner of Barbossa because he was captured by the British too, and lo and behold he has Sparrow's map to the Fountain of Youth. Which he then burns and states that he memorized it somehow during his time of imprisonment, sooo they can't possibly kill him. Y'know, it was a pretty complex map, unless this guys got photographic memory he's calling one huge bluff. Or y'know he's a pirate so I guess he can do that sort of thing. Hell, later they don't even need the map, because Barbossa, Gibbs, and some British sailors spot the Spanish ships sailing to the Fountain so Barbossa says to just follow them. This actually brings up a few questions, because the entire time everyone is saying that the Spanish have a head start, time is of the essence, etcetera, so one would assume after sailing from London,which is north of Spain and thus farther away from Florida, that the British could not catch up or even get close enough to spot the Spanish. Unless they had faster ships, or maybe the Spanish felt bad so they detoured close to Britain so everyone could be fair.
Alright guys, onto the next mess. I can skip a lot, because it's just more Jack Sparrow acting silly, so let's just cut to Blackbeard, and one of the biggest plot elements: his sword. Blackbeard as a character is one of the things done alright, at least he is consistent as a character; he wants more life, and he's going to sacrifice as many people as possible to do so. But introducing Blackbeard is not about introducing Blackbeard, it's about introducing his sword. That ******** sword is one of the biggest plot elements in the movie; it can control the rigging of a ship, allowing you to grab dudes with ropes and hoist sails and everything, even take over other ship's rigging, and somehow even manage to put a whole ship into a bottle as a keepsake. This is one of the most powerful things possible in a movie about pirates and ships, and Barbossa wants that ******** sword (as well as revenge on Blackbeard capturing the Black Pearl, because remember Barbossa stole the ship at the end of the third movie). However, and this is where a lot of annoyance comes from, but this ******** sword is never explained or given any sort of backstory or anything. The only lines about the sword are when Blackbeard and Barbossa face off at the end of the film and Blackbeard mentions that his sword is cool, and Barbossa then replies he's not afraid when they are so far away from Blackbeard's ship. So that's all we get, and yet this ******** sword is one of the biggest elements of the story and is the reason so many character's are here and why Blackbeard is such a crazy and feared guy. This is one of the most glaring flaws of these films; attaching meaning and purpose to so many inconsequential items and objects to give certain characters power over others. Blackbeard isn't feared because of his skill, because he's such a good fighter (hell, Barbossa beats him in a fight and stabs him) or because he commands an awesome crew with fear and prowess. No, it's because he has a fancy magic sword. This effectively takes away every reason why Blackbeard is cool and powerful because any dimwit who grabs his sword suddenly has Blackbeard's power and can become the next Blackbeard, simple as that. And y'know, that's what Barbossa does at the end of the film, takes the sword, the ship, and goes off to do his thing.
And I've maybe covered about half the movie so far, but I'm too sick and tired of reliving it to explain any more on why this movie is awful. Too many action scenes, too many unexplained plot elements, too many supporting characters and subplots, too much going on at the end to maintain focus and tension on what we should really care about, too much of the same ol' silly Jack Sparrow doing the same s**t he's done for the past three movies... and the list goes on. Overall, this movie is just plain bad, and not the good kind of bad where it's so bad it's good. Hell, it's not even that funny, every laugh pulled from the audience were from cheap one-liners and slapstick. And the easter egg was the stupidest thing of all, I'm not going to bother explaining it, just take my word for it, do NOT sit through the credits. Actually, don't even bother going to see this movie, I implore you. Anyways, I'm done here, I've gotta go free the animals from the zoo.
 GasMan Hyjinks · Sun Jul 03, 2011 @ 05:42pm · 0 Comments |
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Maybe the title here is a bit wrong, I'm not sure if he would like to be called an angel. I mean, he was most certainly angelic, in just about all of his qualities and traits, but he was more then that. He was a friend. He was a brother, a son, a teacher and a student. He was the spark that lit the dark, he was a protector, a guardian, a lover. He was....Paulo. He was Paulo Luna, a.k.a. Junsui Runa, or Janusu Runa, and countless other nicknames.
Yesterday morning, January 8th, 2008, Paulo Luna passed away in his bed. To all of us, it came as a shock and a surprise. The doctors had predicted he had six months to one year to live, but unfortunately that wasn't in God's plan. We all hurt from losing him, but as his littlest sister, Leia, who is only about five years old, has said, "he is in a better place now, standing with God. He isn't in pain anymore, and he wants us all to be happy and positive and not sad." And this advice we are all trying to take, no matter how hard it is.
Paulo was in fact, for many of us, the strongest, sincerest, nicest person we know. And when I say strongest, I'm not saying physical strength, although he did have that. I am talking about his mental strength, his willpower. A lesser person would have succumbed to the pain and knowledge of ones own inevitable death, but not him. He kept fighting, doing everything he could to hang on, stay stay brave. There were times when he had his doubts, when he grew depressed, but he always picked up, with the help of family and friends. And he kept us strong, too. He encouraged us to be positive, and that no matter what happened he'd always be looking over us. One person described him as a "god on earth", protecting us all just by being there and keeping the world safe through his mighty aura. And in a way he did, he did protect us.
As for me, I won't go so far as to call him a god, but he was most certainly the greatest person to have walked the earth to date, and probably for a long time to come. Losing him, the thought of never being able to be with him again, is right now a surreal notion, as if it's all a rotten dream sequence. And it isn't, and I feel the tears surge to my eyes. But I have to stay strong for him, as he would want me to. It is now up to us to look over each other, while Paulo waits for us at the pearly gates, waiting for us to live our lives, and then guiding us through the next big adventure.
Rest in peace, brother. Rest in peace...
GasMan Hyjinks · Wed Jan 09, 2008 @ 11:47pm · 0 Comments |
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