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My life in black and white |
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I can't stop the fear. It has webbed its way into my heart and refuses to leave. All we want to do is be happy. All we've ever wanted was to be happy. We are still together, so the fear of losing him is less; though I still fear for his leaving.
My heart aches mercilously. I need to see him, to hold him and be held. Such a simple this love is yet in all its origins, there is so much we do not understand of the meaning behind the four-lettered word. Such a word can bring joy, happiness, pleasure. Yet it has a darker side- pain, cufference, depression. How is it a simple word can be said so easily but cause so much feeling? So much we think we know yet so little knowledge we truly posess.
Happiness and depression. These are what pain my heart so. I am happy for his love, his worry, but I fear for what lies a head. I do not know if the darkness that attempts to stand between us will have its way. Will he be kept from me? Will I see him again soon? Hold him as I use to? These questions rack my mind, fill me with emotions I have never experienced before.
I have believed that I loved before him. Those were false pretences brought about by the need to protect one's self from harm. They abused me, torchered my mind and soul. One dared lay his hands upon me and strike me as if I were nothing more than an animal. They meant nothing to me now that I dwell back on memories that I thought were once precious. Little more than droplets of poison that now flood out of my unseen wounds. HE has given me the cure for this poison. Only he has stood by me, made me feel such emotions I dremt impossible. I love him, I know I do. And he feels the same for me.
So simple, as I said, to believe in love. But to find the meaning is impossible. All that feel it's embrace describe love, this emotion, differently. I know my love is hard to describe. It makes me feel like I can touch the sky when ever I am in his arms. His kisses feel as if they were given from the stars themselves. His loving embrace and eyes make me melt and I can feel the fire of his passion melding with mine deep with in my soul. Never before have I felt this way. I embrace it, yet he knows I fear it. Though a year and nine months have passed for us, I still fear it as I still attempt to grasp it. So simple a word, so impossible a meaning...
Now, here I sit. I write all these things yet tell nothing of it is whom I describe. A god perhaps? An existance not of this worldly plane? A creature who has captured my imagionation? None of these are correct. He is as mortal as you or I, he feels just as we do. However, the darkness does not like him feeling things that it deems a hazard. To the darkness, I am a hazard. It hates me, makes itself hate me. Such loathing cannot truly last. We let go of those emotions, unless we make ourselves despise someone. It makes itself hate me, loath me, resent me.
Just the way it speaks to me, I am nothing. I am lower than an animal, something that doesn't deserve to exist. Its presence and just the memory of its glare shivers my bones still. It does not want him to be with me for it harnesses unneeded hatred which is what has caused it to become known as the darkness. In reality, I know what it use to be, but it is so hard to remember it as anything more than this thing, this ball of pure hatred and resentment.
The one though, whom I speak of, the one I love, we are engaged. We have been for a year today. We love each other, we could not dream of another being where we are at; yet I still feel the pain. It lessens as I write. Should I see him, hear from him, hold him again, it would dissipate in to nothingness as it has no need to exist in my heart anymore. But the darkness will always be there. Looming, watching, hating. That is all it does. It brings about lies to appeas its hatred of me and spreads them to make others believe that they are indeed true enough. These lies I know are not real, just a way to fuel the resentment. It is truly unhealthy, but the darkness does not realize that by doing so, it makes him want to push away.
It blames me for him pushing away, acting as he does towards it, as if I am truly to blame. I do nothing but want his happiness. I have said nothing that could spawn such things to happen, yet I am still blamed for these occurances. It wants to make him believe that I am the problem. It makes itself believe that I am and wants to eraticate me. He knows that it truly is the problem and has told it this already, before me. That angered it, made it resent me ever more.
I do not understand what it is I have done wrong. Is loving a man such a horrible thing for a woman to do? To want to embrace the man she loves and hold him as if he is the only thing that matters? Apparently so.
Incase you wonder, the darkness that I speak of is not a woman that he is with. He was with no other when we finally got our chance for happiness together. The darkness was a woman once, but does not like that I allow others to see her for what she truly is. That is why she resents me. I have allowed him to see her for what she is and he doesn't enjoy staying there anymore. Yes, they live together but are not a couple. Have you figured it out yet? The darkness that I speak of, the thing that plagues us- that haunts us and we can no longer feel a human soul from-... I can't seem to place it. All I know is that the darkness once felt as we do, once knew what we know, but does not show it.
I can't stop the fear. It has webbed its way into my heart and refuses to leave. All we want is to be happy. We still want to be happy. We are still together, so that is all that matters.
 Angel_Rowen · Sat Dec 12, 2009 @ 02:19pm · 0 Comments |
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