Buuuut Some things you can. Like your emotions. So Slept all day today, or half of it, and then ate some of my feelings away in a half a Subway Sandwich and some Chinese food(Yummy). But then I woke up, after the power had turned back on(It was out due to a car accident) and I thought to myself, some things you can't control Rebekah. Some things you have to live with. Everything has a consequence and this was yours. This is what you got for pushing your best friend to much. you warned him yes, and then you tested your own limits, his limits and you lost, as you always do. So live with it! Don't sit there, moping about, doing nothing, gaining wait by the second, actually get up and move on. Not completely of course because I'm not capable of such a thing. But I am capable of accepting the out comes of things. I expected nothing less and nothing more from this. I'm not surprised by the outcome, but I am by the fact that I continued to treat him the way that I did. And I'm hoping I'll learn from this. I'm hoping that this will show me, you can't push, pull, punch smile or hurt people and expect them to just shrug it off and come running back to you after time has passed. This is it for us, he told me so, and I expect nothing less. He's making a good decision, he'll be happier in the end eventhough he doesn't know it yet. I'm a drama queen. His friends saw it, and eventually he will too. And in this I have learned that I just..have to stop. I have to get out of my head, and that when I'm there I have to learn that it can't cloud my judgment on people, my emotions towards them. And I have to just accept that if I let people in, as I did Chris, that I will get hurt. And that when it happens I have to roll with the punches. I have to write about it and then move the ******** on. I can't dwell on it. Just like I can't dwell on the fact that I'm now completely alone. Or..somewhat. I still have Jasmine, my sister from a completely different family, my best friend Michelle, who has helped me through alot, like I have her, My friend Wesley, who always calls me, who is always willing to listen to me no matter what. He;s like my Chris, only much smaller, younger, Not quite as attractive and not as smartass and mean. And with this fight that happened between me and Chris, I think it will help the both of us. Eventhough he says he'll always be there for me if I need him, though he says he'll always love me, and never hate me I fell that this will be best for us. You see, With Michelle and Wesley, I can help them with their problems, I can let them cry on my shoulder, I can laugh with them and be completely wacky and silly and neurotic. I can tell them my deepest thoughts (as I did Chris) and they'll help me and they won't judge me(same as Chris) but I can help them! Its a two way Street with us, unlike with Chris. With Chris, if he was sad it was for a reason I couldn't understand, either because I'd never experienced it or because I just didn't understand it. Chris has bigger problems, and I couldn't help with that. His past is very dark, I can sense that, and it portrays when you're with him. its subtle but you know its there. And since he's been through so much and he's so much smarter then I am, he's able to help me more then I am him. So with us it was a one way street. I came to him, crying, annoyed, angry beyond no end, confused beyond recollection, saddened, Depressed and he was always, always able to help me. To not judge me, he knew exactly what to say and how to say it. He could calm me down with one sentence, with one word. He could always keep me alive, make things better. But he never cried on my shoulder because he couldn't. He could never ask me for help and when he let out his feelings, his thoughts, his secrets, I listened to them, I shook my head understandingly, and I tried my best to put in my two sense of what I thought was going on, and what I thought could help him. But in reality I couldn't. There was nothing I could say or do. In a way he was just telling me his thoughts and that was it. I was his..diary in a way. But he, he was my diary, my anti depressant, my funny movie when I needed to laugh, my boost of self confidence when I felt ugly, he was my rock. he was more then a rock, My boulder? My mountain. He was my gravity. My reason for living. It was so upside down, so uneven, which is shocking because I like things to be even. I strive for them to be perfect and even, but in the end our friendship was mearly just this..therapist session. this never ending therapist session. And I was the greedy winy person who he let cry on his shoulder. Who he counseled. But I never him. And here I was, in our relationship, wining and being stingy about money and I never thought for a second that...look at what you have! You have a rock! A completely Mountain in your life. someone who never wants to leave you even though they see every flaw in you, they know every emotion, every traumatic thing about you and they still let you cry on their shoulder. They still beg for you to come back to them. they still think of you as an angel, or close to one. and here you are, a completely b***h, treating him like s**t, making him feel bad, complaining about everything and money. complaining about money because your friends say he's using you and you let that get to you. You let the fact that since you have to pay for everything its an uneven relationship. You never thought for once, that..Your friendship was uneven. Completely uneven. How greedy you where being. How insensitive. If this has been him, if he was doing this, you would have been throwing a royal hissy fit. You would have been complaining completely to everyone you could, you would have been writing long a** blogs about it. Yet here you are, and here he is; Not complaining in the least. He's never once turned you down when you've needed counseling, He's never once complained when he did have a job that he paid for everything. He never once complained that you did nothing to help him in his problems when he came to you with them. And yet here I am, complaining. Winging about money. I love evenness, and yet, everything about this was uneven and I never saw it.
Because I'm a greedy selfish person, who only thinks about herself and not other people. and not how other people help her without asking for anything in return.
I am deeply sad about this ending out of our friendship. but part of me wonders, is it because now I have no one to counsel me? Or is it because I loved what we had, our friendship. We had fun together. We had a blast together. Some of my fondest memories of my teenage life are with him. My favorite picture I've ever taken in a photobooth in the mall, is with him. I have it in my wallet. and I love it. I will never ever take it out. It will be one of the first things I grab in a fire or if I'm told to evacuate. He's saved my life so many times. He's built me to be a stronger person. and a trusting one. He's taught me, he doesnt know it, but to not judge people by their appearance. Because my first impression of him guys, was rolling on the floor all sweaty with his a** crack hanging out with a bunch of guys. My second impression of him was when him being annoying and waking me up when I was trying to sleep off a headache. But in the end... when I finally talked to him..he was so much more. He's introduced me to lots of great people, he's listened to me. He's gotten me into music I would have never listened to ever. And I love him so much. He's made me, or part of me, me. One day, I will design my ultimate tattoo, with everyone who has made me, me engraved in it. And his name will be one of the first, and boldest engraved in it.
sankapoo Community Member 
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