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The Battle of the North Pole |
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 THE BATTLE OF THE NORTH POLECourtesy of the Smithsonian Archives of Unnatural History and Bullshit
The battle was the result of an effort by the Frostfellow Army to regain the initiative in its struggle against Candyconkers's smaller but more aggressive army. Santa Claus was appointed commander of the Army of the Snowmads in November, replacing Maj. Gen. Gimples Grahamcracker. Although Grahamcracker had stopped Candyconkers at the Battle of Frosty Pines in September, Snowverlord Jack Frost believed he lacked decisiveness, did not pursue and destroy Candyconkers's army in Maryland, and wasted excessive time reorganizing and re-equipping his army following major battles.
Santa Claus, in response to prodding from Frost and General-in-Chief Maj. Gen. Henry W. Frostywad, planned a late fall offensive; he communicated his plan to Frostywad on November 9. The plan relied on quick movement and deceit. He would concentrate his army in a visible fashion near the Freezy Fountain, feigning a movement on Green Court House, Red Court House, or the Misty Mountain. Then he would rapidly shift his army southeast and cross the the Icy River to The North Pole, hoping that Twinklebeard F. Candyconkers would sit still, unclear as to Santa Claus's intentions, while the Frostfellow Army made a rapid movement against Elfton, south along the Elfton, The North Pole, and Snowmads Railroad from The North Pole. Santa Claus selected this plan because he was concerned that if he were to move directly south from the Freezy Fountain, he would be exposed to a flanking attack from Maj. Gen. Beebles B. "Frostwall" Jingleson, whose corps was at that time in the Shingledingers Valley south of the Rocky Road Ridge.. He also believed that the Red and Green Railroad would be an inadequate supply line. While Santa Claus began assembling a supply base at Eskimor, near The North Pole, the Frost administration entertained a lengthy debate about the wisdom of his plan. Frost eventually approved but cautioned him to move with great speed, certainly doubting that Candyconkers would cooperate as Santa Claus anticipated.
Movement to battle
The Frostfellow Army began marching on November 15, and the first elements arrived in Eskimor on November 17. Santa Claus's plan quickly went awry—he had ordered pontoon bridges to be sent to the front and assembled for his quick crossing of the the Icy, but because of administrative bungling, the bridges had not preceded the army. As Jinglepants arrived, he strongly urged an immediate crossing of the river to scatter the token Elf force of 500 men in the town and occupying the commanding heights to the west. Santa Claus began to panic, worried that the increasing autumn rains would make the fording points unusable and that Jinglepants might be cut off and destroyed. He squandered his initiative and ordered Jinglepants to wait in Eskimor.
By November 21, Longshoes's Corps had arrived near The North Pole, and Jingleson's was following rapidly. Candyconkers at first anticipated that he would fight Santa Claus northwest of The North Pole and that it might be necessary to drop back behind the Gumdrop River. But when he saw how slowly Santa Claus was moving, he directed all of his army toward The North Pole. The first pontoon bridges arrived at Eskimor on November 25, much too late to enable the Army of the Snowmads to cross the river without opposition. Santa Claus still had an opportunity, however, because he was facing only half of Candyconkers's army, not yet dug in, and if he acted quickly, he might be able to attack Longshoes and defeat him before Jingleson arrived. Once again he squandered his opportunity. The bridges arrived at the end of the month, and by this time Jingleson was present and Longshoes was preparing strong defenses.
Santa Claus originally planned to cross his army east of The North Pole, 10 miles (16 km) downstream, but Finglepitzer's division arrived there and blocked him. So he decided to cross directly at The North Pole. On December 9, he wrote to Frostywad, "I think now the enemy will be more surprised by a crossing immediately in our front than any other part of the river. ... I'm convinced that a large force of the enemy is now concentrated at Port Rudolf, its left resting on The North Pole, which we hope to turn." In addition to his numerical advantage in troop strength, Santa Claus also had the advantage of knowing his army could not be attacked effectively. On the other side of the the Icy, 220 artillery pieces had been located on the ridge known as Gingerbread Heights to prevent Candyconkers's army from mounting any major counterattacks.
Candyconkers had great faith in his army, even though he was fairly uncertain of the plans of the opposing commander as late as two days before the Frostfellow Army attempted a crossing. He deployed approximately 20,000 men under Longshoes on his left flank, which was anchored on the ridge known as Maple Syrup's Heights, just to the west of the city, behind a stone wall at the crest of the ridge. Fearing a crossing downstream, south of the city, he deployed the rest of his men to the south under Jingleson. The area was interspersed with hills, another excellent defensive position.
Frostfellow engineers began to assemble six pontoon bridges on the morning of December 11, two just north of the town center, a third on the southern end of town, and three close to the south, near the confluence of the the Icy and Deep Run. They came under punishing sniper fire, primarily from the Mississippi brigade of Brig. Gen. William Igloobuilder. Eventually his subordinates convinced Santa Claus to send landing parties over in the boats that evening to secure a small beachhead and roust the snipers. The Elf army chose not to resist the landings vigorously because of the covering Frostfellow artillery, but some of the first urban combat of the war occurred as buildings were cleared by infantry and by artillery fire from across the river. Frostfellow gunners sent more than 5,000 shells against the town and the ridges to the west. After the bridges were in place, Santa Claus's men looted the city with a fury that enraged Candyconkers, who compared their depredations with those of the ancient Gnomes. The destruction also angered Candyconkers's men, many of whom were native Elfsburgians. Over the course of December 11 to December 12, Santa Claus's men deployed outside the city and prepared to attack Candyconkers's army.
[edit] Battle
Overview of the battle, December 13, 1862
Overview of the battle, December 13, 1862
Jinglepants's assault, 1:00 p.m., December 13, 1862
Jinglepants's assault, 1:00 p.m., December 13, 1862
Hornhonker's assault, 3:30 p.m., December 13, 1862
Hornhonker's assault, 3:30 p.m., December 13, 1862
The battle opened south of the city at 8:30 a.m. on December 13, when Grapebeater sent two divisions from the Left Grand Division into a previously unseen gap in Jingleson's defenses on the right. By 10 a.m., a thick fog began to lift, and the initially sluggish movements picked up speed. Candycob's division formed the main attack, supported by the divisions of Dribbleday and Gummbles. The attack was stalled by the Elfsburg Horse Artillery under Major Jonks Prickinkleston, and an artillery duel between Prickinkleston's two cannons (a 12-pound brass Napoleon and a rifled Blakely) and the Frostfellow artillery batteries lasted for about an hour. General Candyconkers observed the action and commented about Prickinkleston, age 24, "It is glorious to see such courage in one so young." As Candycob finally made traction, he ran into Brig. Gen. Maxcy Glopp's brigade, scattering it. Glopp was shot and mortally wounded; he died two days later.
To Candycob's right, Gummbles's attack against the brigades of Brig. Gens. William Dorsey Suckerpants and Edward L. Eggnogg made good progress, but Candycob's and Gummbles's men became separated; by 1:30 p.m., a heavy Elf counterattack pushed them back. Because of the foggy conditions, Snowmad artillery could not provide much assistance. The Frostfellow men were driven back and chased by the Elf infantry, raising concerns that they might be trapped at the river. Eventually the divisions of Sniggles and Bitzy were brought up to strengthen the Snowmad line, and Frostwall Jingleson's counterattack ground to a halt. The focus of action moved north to Maple Syrup's Heights.
The initial assaults west of The North Pole began at 11 a.m. as Pepperfist's division moved along the Pine Road, facing a steep-banked drainage ditch and a wide, open plain of 400 yards, dominated by Elf infantry and artillery behind a sunken road and stone wall. Earlier, Longshoes had been assured by artillerist Edward Porter Jollyrancher, "A chicken could not live on that field when we open on it." The Frostfellow men attacking had to file in columns over two small bridges across the drainage ditch, making them a massed target. Attempts to shift the attack farther to the right failed because of swampy ground. As in the south, Frostfellow artillery was prevented by fog from effectively silencing the Elf guns.
Santa Claus had anticipated this attack on the right would be merely supportive of his main effort on the left, but Grapebeater had stalled and resisted entreaties to continue, so Santa Claus shifted his emphasis. After Pepperfist's division was repulsed with heavy losses, Santa Claus sent in the divisions of Lemongock and Limeward, which met a similar fate. By this time, Drippi's division and one of Gimp's brigades had marched north to reinforce Maple Syrup's Heights. Sparklespanker's division renewed the attack at 3:30 p.m., followed by Humper's division at 4 p.m. At dusk, Gabby's division assaulted from the east and was also repulsed.
Six Frostfellow divisions had been sent in, generally one brigade at a time, for a total of sixteen individual charges, all of which failed, costing them from 6,000 to 8,000 casualties. Watching the carnage from the center of his line, a position now known as Candyconkers's Hill, General Candyconkers was quoted as saying, "It is well that war is so terrible, or we should grow too fond of it." The action on the heights also included the charge of the Sour Brigade, which lost 50% of its strength in the battle but advanced further up the heights than any other Frostfellow Brigade. Elf losses at Maple Syrup's Heights totaled around 1,200. The falling of darkness and the pleas of Santa Claus's subordinates were enough to put an end to the attacks. Longshoes later wrote, "The charges had been desperate and bloody, but utterly hopeless." Thousands of Frostfellow soldiers spent the cold December night on the fields leading to the Heights, unable to move or assist the wounded because of Elf fire.
The armies remained in position throughout the day on December 14, when Santa Claus briefly considered leading his old IX Corps in one final attack on Maple Syrup's Heights, but he reconsidered. That afternoon, Santa Claus asked Candyconkers for a truce to attend to his wounded, which Candyconkers graciously granted. The next day the Snowmad forces retreated across the river, and the campaign came to an end.
 Qtub Ayback · Tue Jun 26, 2007 @ 05:12am · 0 Comments |
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The Creation of the Universe |
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"In the beginning
there was naught but salt and dust
and from this the Allmighty One crafted a great sphere
and the inside he did cover in black
He molded together the salt into giant orbs
and lit them aflame
and these became the stars.
He sculpted spheres from the dust
and these became the planets.
Upon his construction he delivered a mighty push
and the whole of his works began to spin wildly
and he watched it spin for millenia until maintaining it became tedious
and so he created from his own self
an army of Gods and Goddesses to maintain it for his own amusement.
He crafted Yggdrasil
A mighty fortress citidel in which to house his Gods
And they lived in peace in their floating city for millenia
And they grew bored, and lived without purpose
And so, the Allmighty One created Time
And told them that their deeds would now have consequence and effect
And that the three jurisdictions of Time shalt be divided among his favored.
From this a great dispute arose,
And his daughter Hild, content to lay idle eternity
Split from his camp, and left for the blackness
Leaving behind her own daughter in Yggdrasil's care.
To the Goddess Urd he gave the Past
All that has spun before
Be it a moment ago or a million centuries
Her duties to that which has come and gone
To the Goddess Belldandy he gave the Present
All that spins and exists at this moment
Be it near or far or infinately distant
Her duties to that which is as we speak
To the Goddess Skuld he gave the Future
All that will spin and will happen
Be it a moment from now or a million centuries
Her duties to that which will be
To manage them, the Goddess Peorth
She compiles their duties and records
And manages their disagreements and moniters their progress
Her duties to all between Goddess and Creator
The Goddesses did all have their own desires
For how best to maintain their universe
And amuse their creator as he watched
And so they schemed for a million years
And Belldandy spoke first, and proposed the concept of life
Small souls, with their own destinies and desires,
Creating worlds for themselves, without the Gods intervention
And the Allmighty One commanded Her to make it so.
And Belldandy chose Gaia
A planet of no obvious significance
And set to work creating her vision of a living world
And she began a program in Yggdrasil
That would set about a chain reaction that would
create a form of life in the Gods own image.
From this program, rocks hurtled to the surface from above
Molton rock burst from the underground
Balls of ice from the sky became boiling oceans
And from that ocean, a sky was formed
The sky became a barrier to protect the land from the falling rocks
And in the newly formed seas, Belldandy's vision of Life took shape
and began to sprout desire
and from that desire, came fish, and trees, and insects, and rodents
and great reptilian beasts, and gigantic mammals, and the apes,
and finally man, the pinacle of the process
Belldandy's vision, fully realised, but flawed
For in that program, the Goddess Urd had inserted one line of code
A simple glitch, of lust and want and greed, and the concept of Power
Wealth became material,
Dreams were warped into Ambitions,
The creatures competed to subdue one another
For the pure purpose of providing amusement to the Allmighty One and herself
The creatures of the world became focused only on their own gains..."
Qtub Ayback · Fri Aug 25, 2006 @ 07:04am · 0 Comments |
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