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I Thought You Aught to Know VII |
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I guess I’ve always wanted you to hate me. That’s the reason I always questioned your kindness towards me. At least if you hated me I could have a reason to ban you from my mind.
I wrote and wrote until I was hollow inside. I hope you never get to read this. I would rather expire than lose you again.
JoeJoe
P.S. I’ve never been more exact.
 Pinkjoej · Fri Feb 20, 2009 @ 06:41pm · 0 Comments |
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I Thought You Aught to Know VI |
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Then again it’s not your fault. I was being a selfish b***h.
Look at me, I’m overflowing with words. I can’t stop writing. I need to get this out so badly, even if the pages of this book run out. I can’t seem to get my mind straight. Nothing makes sense, yet everything is clear. I fail to accept, even though I fully comprehend. You’re gone and that’s the end of it. All I can do is bottle these emotions, shelf them and let them fester. In the meantime I’ll just concentrate on being a good friend, and (in my mind) making up for all of those wrongs I did you. I’ll make sure to hide my tears when I start to miss you too much, and let my poor heart continue to hope for the day you may either come back to me, or tell me you’ve been missing me too.
What would you do if you knew I felt this way? What would you think about me if you read this? What would you say to me? Would you cut me off? Would you feel offended? Would you hate me? I can’t take the risk. I wouldn’t want my heart to break again.
Pinkjoej · Fri Feb 20, 2009 @ 06:39pm · 0 Comments |
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I Thought You Aught to Know V |
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Do you think of me at all? When you stand in the shower, do you remember the love we made there? Does the sound of pleasure resonate through your basement? Can you feel the warmth of my body when you lie in bed? When you sit on your couch to eat Chinese food, do you recall the laughs we had? Do you think of me when you’re with her? Or don’t I matter? Am I a nuisance? Or did I mean something to you? Why do I ask; you loved me and I know you did. It’s my selfish, greedy, worthless, self centered self who can’t accept the fact that you’re gone. I still remember that last kiss as if you gave it to me this morning. I still remember the last time we made love as if it happened last night. I can still picture your tender face as if it were yesterday. Spring is coming. This weather reminds me of when we first started dating, and we used to hang out by Duck Pond. I remember our first date, and our first kiss, and how passionate we were for each other. I seem to reminisce all the time. . .
From 5/10/07 à 3/31/08, and now 1/31/09 and I still can’t seem to get you out of my head?!?! ******** you man. ********, YOU!
Pinkjoej · Fri Feb 20, 2009 @ 06:37pm · 0 Comments |
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I Thought You Aught to Know IV |
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Jessie says we’ll end up back together, especially if we start going to the same school. Wow, I wish it were true. There I go being selfish again.
I think of you too often and if I got with someone new it would be no different. Sometimes I think you’ve ruined me, and those are the times I wish I had never met you.
I wonder if you ever think of me.
What would happen if you broke Jasmine’s heart? Too bad, it seems she’s going to do it first. Look at you, you’re falling apart over it. Pathetic!
And yet, I cant help but to comfort you and encourage you to move on. I cannot help but to tell you everything will be okay.
Pinkjoej · Fri Feb 20, 2009 @ 06:34pm · 0 Comments |
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I Thought You Aught to Know III |
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I want those ten months back. I didn’t want them to end. Those days we spent alone. All that love we made. And for what? Nothing. Why didn’t I change? Why didn’t I see it coming? What the ********?!?!
This is so stupid.
I’m tired of writing. . .
I wish you could hear me. I wish I could tell you and still be friends. I wish you’d understand.
I wonder to myself if it would be wise to take you back. I wish you would. But I try not to get my hopes up because I know it’s bull. Why would you come back? I’m a piece of your past, I’m not fit to be any part of your future. It sucks and I know I’m being selfish. I’m horrible, but I make sure never to play the victim when I talk about “us.”
I defend her you know; all my friends say she’s ugly, and they call the both of you names. They say you “robbed the cradle” but I defend you. I defend her, even if I’m not so fond of her. It is not in my nature to hold a grudge, and because of that I know I would forgive you and take you back if you wanted to come. No matter how much it hurt.
Pinkjoej · Fri Feb 20, 2009 @ 06:32pm · 0 Comments |
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I Thought You Aught to Know II |
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Sadly as much as I want to let you know about it, I must restrain myself. It takes all of my self control not to cry when I see you with her. As nice as I try to be, I must admit I despise her. On another occasion I would have befriended her, but not now. The only way I keep myself intact is by stabbing at my heart. I tell myself it’s my fault and that I don’t deserve you back (I never deserved you at all). I feel horrible and disgusting. I act confident and happy, but I feel worthless and miserable. I miss you so much it’s pathetic. I wish I never met you and it takes all of my strength not to yell at you.
I admit I’m only friends with you because I feel guilty. I support you and encourage you with secret hopes that you’ll return. My heart begs for you to leave her all of the time. My body envies her because it knows what it is missing. I want you to come back but I want you to stay away. What you did and what you said made me correct my mistakes. It made me a better person. But I don’t want the pain, no matter how much better it makes me.
Pinkjoej · Fri Feb 20, 2009 @ 06:30pm · 0 Comments |
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I Thought You Aught to Know |
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Dear Mr. Gouede:
I thought you aught to know what you’ve done to me Nick. It sucks. I don’t know how else to describe it. It hurts and I’m going through all of these things at once. My body lives in space and my mind in time. My legs get me out of bed, but my mind goes out to space. I get in the shower to clear my head and my mind puts me back in that place. Then I’m walking down the street with a smile on my face. I begin to eat a meal, but never finish the plate when my mind thinks back to that very first date. On the same train I take day after day, my mind reminisces on all the hooky we used to play. When a love song plays on my MP3, all I wish is for you to be here with me. My body can never be still for too long, because my mind will start to sing that same ol’ song.
Pinkjoej · Fri Feb 20, 2009 @ 06:29pm · 0 Comments |
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The Phases of My Insanity III |
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The weather warmed up and I was not going to see you or her for a long, long time. The weather began to remind me of all the good times we had over the summer. I began to reminisce on the past and become extremely nostalgic. I spent long hours doing nothing but thinking about the times we spent together, the love we made, and all the good times we had. From the first time I went to your house, to all the times we spent at the park and all the naughty things we used to do in different places. I would go places and my body would be there, but my mind would be on you. I missed those days so much, and I envied her for sharing them with you. I couldn’t stand the thought of it. I was so nostalgic I began to miss you. I whished we could get back together I wasn’t angry at you anymore, and I wasn’t jealous. I just missed you terribly and wanted your company.
Pinkjoej · Fri Feb 20, 2009 @ 06:26pm · 0 Comments |
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The Phases of My Insanity II |
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Just when I was getting used to life without you, you told me about Jasmine. My first thought was, ”How could he move on so fast?” but your response to that was, “It‘s been a month. You need to move on.” What?! I didn’t understand. That was just not fair to me. How in the would could you do that? How did you get over me so fast? I was overcome with confusion, anger, and eventually jealousy.
I was jealous when I saw she made you things, I was green when you spoke highly of her, I was envious of how close you had gotten so fast. I should have been happy for you, but I would get into arguments with you. Those impulses I acted on from my jealously almost destroyed our friendship, but I could not help but loathe her. Whenever I saw you together I wanted to trip her, or pull her hair, push her, laugh loudly and walk away. The problem was that she was, and is, a nice girl. How could do that? When I finally accepted that she wasn’t so bad and I had no reason to hate her, I began to blame you. I hated you to the ends of the earth and there was nothing anyone could say to change my mind. I was singing every “I hate you for breaking up” song thee was with you on my mind. I had to learn to just swallow my pride and anger and move on.
Pinkjoej · Fri Feb 20, 2009 @ 06:22pm · 0 Comments |
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The Phases of My Insanity I |
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After we broke up several things happened in succession. These things were, not only stages of denial in my opinion, but they were also the reason I have learned so much in the past year.
The day we officially broke up, the day you gave me that last kiss, you walked me to the bus stop. I was supposed to go to Bridge that day, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’m not one to cry in public, no matter how sad I am, but that day I just could not contain my tears. The moment the van you got on was out of sight, I turned right around and went home. I didn’t finish the medical journal due that day, I did not do any calculus homework, and I most certainly did not open my copy of Frankenstein. I did not use the rest of that day productively at all. My screams could probably be heard down the block, and even Maxx felt my grief. My neck and cheeks were flooded with tears, I paced around in circles pulling at my hair. I was confused, I refused to believe it, it was not true, it couldn’t be. We were so happy, why? Why? . . . Why? That was the big question. I wanted to know why. I wanted a good reason, something that would make me accept what had just happened, because I could not fathom it myself. I cried myself to sleep for so many nights afterward, and whenever it thought of you I would feel sad. I became bored and lost; you were a part of my daily routine, a part of my life, now you were gone. I had no one to call on weekends, or anyone to look forward to seeing in the afternoons. Although I had 40 friends on my buddy list, there was no one on AIM to talk to. I had to readjust my life, because it seemed my life had revolved around you.
Pinkjoej · Fri Feb 20, 2009 @ 06:19pm · 0 Comments |
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