November 3rd 1987 - October 17th, 2003 - Kyouske Miyoshi, " Kyoji Myoji "
October 17th, 2003. - October 17th, 2012. - 9 year anniversary.
My message to you :
You've told me so many different things, you where so wise, so kind. I know that is who you where pretending to be, and I understand it now I'm not rejecting the truth anymore. You became that character I needed in my life, both of us obsessed with fantasy, trying to live our own anime. My biggest regret will always be, that I believed you when you would smile and tell me everything was okay. Cause you never not smiled, you where a saint. We were born on the same day. in different countries. at different, but close times. We both had the same way of dealing with our problems. We didn't. We would even pretend we had different problems, ones that heroism and ideals could conquer. It is my downfall to being an anime fan, cause I so wish that a few words, could really affect someone like it does in stories. That I could have the power to change the world, or atleast save my friends.
That I was a good enough person, who would go that far for my friends. That I had people to share that bond with, that I was special and in my own way a heroine. You let me be that in your life, and you where that in mine. I gladly beat the life out of someone just cause a member of your family asked me to. Told me I could get closer to you this way, i just helped settle a grudge of hers is all. Now that I think about it you could've had her do that, just so you could step in like the white night, " You are not a monster, you are a human, and you have to find your own emotions. You can't live life pretending. Enjoy it but don't look away from reality. " To be HONEST. I never seen gold cross come so quickly and be gone, and I don't know if you died beyond the words of one angry asain chick and Tomoko who went very quickly after you did and yeah... lets not get into that again. I hope she is well, if Heaven is real please tell her I'm sorry I smashed her sweet image with my nonsense. I loved you dearly, it was so cute how you would call me mommy T_____T; I'm working hard to make you proud, and I know you won't liek to hear me always saying " I'm not worthy of your sacrifice " but I will always feel that way. Just how i'm certain you would have for me. you'll always be the Onii-chan that use to sneak into my parents place in aiken and talk to me, that I one time buried underneath a s**t ton of clothes in my room. that hid out in the woods behind my dads place. You really did refuse to meet my parents and friends. Then again i felt like you might've been this taint-able thing back then, I didn't want you to. I was scared you would've changed. I like to think we came up with some crafty s**t to be close together when we lived in aiken. my child is definitely living up to the hellion I was. You'd really love her, I named her after the old hag after all.
welp. I'mma belt out some other stuff, I hope you can smile after it. Next year, next year I promise the days leading up to this day wont be filled with sorrow and nightmares that I do my best to hide. After ten years, I wanna be able to look at your picture for the first time in ... sooo many years and proudly and say " I'm glad to be alive "
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I spent most of my life lying, hiding, pretending inside my own little world. Romance really has been my biggest weakness of all, There are secrets that I really wish I could spill out at times, but it's stupid. I think i can even name who might even be the reason I'm like that. Misleading a young mind but once I was a bit older, I easily realized that we both had problems and this was the way we supported each other. Doesn't matter if it was right or wrong, I dont care, never have even if I should. I have to wonder if its the reason the three of us will probably never be close like we should be. I've always wanted to say it to you, but I'd rather not. I really hope that you read this, and I dont know, I don't think so, but if there has ever been any torment in the back of your mind, I hope it goes away. Cause really. It's okay.
There is still a part of me that does though its venting time really now, thanks to roleplaying :3 I hate stupid drama now so much because I was the ******** queen of it. Lying, faking, pretending. I would convince myself of s**t just to bring myself to feel like others or get attention. It didn't get better. It got worse for a bit, Christina, Ozzy, Joe, Zero, Golden and Bradley, how I miss that kid... Anthony, my brother Michael {him more so than others!} they can tell you all about it. Tomoko even got involved cause I just couldn't let go. Who knows how many people I hurt in the process. I got way into anime and roleplaying and it was... pathetic. I really don't think I actually lived as a teenager. I used people, hurt them, and took any affection I could get. Anything to make it seem like, They care, so thats why I'm alive. I'd flirt back and act how I saw fit to get someone, just because I could. It was twisted. There is no apology I can give. I can't even explain half the stupid s**t I did. But I can say it was all senseless drama and me flashing big words and acting bigger and better than others. I had to be important to the point I deluded myself in my own lies, so that to me they where truth. Alot of people say " Hey it was high school, s**t was crazy everywhere " well most of you didn't realize just how crazy it was. I would always try to play the victim when I'm nothing close to it.
Years later I did realize that my life had been pathetic. It still took me a lot of tries, and it was definitely not easy, its still not easy, it will probably be a never ending battle. But more so than anything, Andy Andrews told me " You won't ever feel like it's a fair trade. If you think he never smiled at you for real, then do something you think would make him smile. " s**t took me years to really sink in, even after his death. I understood it for a little while, and man did it make me have the hugest crush on him, while at the same time I was just happy to be around him. I still have his pictures, I remember the panic I felt in his first wreck, and my mom yelling at me because of it. He was strong, and warm, and I think the fear of him being gone like kyoji was just overwhelming for a bit.
Some how I blocked it out when he actually passed away, perhaps I subconsciously distanced myself from him afraid of loosing again even though I know he didn't like me as more than a friend. I feel bad because of how much I cared I never felt like it showed aside from the act of following him around like some puppy dog for a bit. I always thought " I really hate McCormick " Yet I really did and didn't at the same time. Zach and Jeremiah holy crap I can't forget the laughs we had one day playing badminton in PE. Those two often comforted me and I really don't know why. But I still haven't forgotten it, how they put up with me for a whole year. Wise ole Dana, it was calming just being around him. Most of those people don't remember me or don't really care to much about my well being in the end. But they hold a special spot in my memories.
Of course I didn't realize a lot of this until I tried reconnecting with a few people mostly from Midland Valley and that has paid off! I couldn't ask for a better friend to turn to than Jimmy, and he was actually the last person I expected to care. He's very straight with me and I can never really expressed how much I appreciate it. Like telling me what a douche I was to Beaner. I've always had these flashes of some lounge we went to and I remember flirting but for some reason, I don't remember him flirting back. Now that I spill all of this out, I really think I always thought Beaner was too good for me, so my own mind acted like It never happened. T_____T; And he HATES ME FOR IT NOW. Explains the awkwardness of moments later on hanging out that I got off of him.
I wanted to chase after the things that would throw me away or give me their attention. Things that would keep me, got abused badly. oh god Zach ford you big mush ball, you where my biggest damn enabler ever, I think about a 1/3 of my guilt involving mvhs comes from how I treated you and Kevin! I feel so bad over it, really I do. Ian as well, though I know now that he really didn't care in the end. I do not feel bad over Mexican nor will I ever. He was just as bad as I was, nor do I regret letting myself be used by him either. At the very least where even, and I have no curiosity to his life as of now unlike how I really liked seeing a bunch of people at that Pot Luck this past summer!
So yeah. Had a nightmare, and felt the need to post this.... I'm going to be the person I want to be, in the words of Travis Dingler
" You can imitate someone but you can't be someone else, that's just stupid. It will never work cause there is always only going to be one of you. "
It was something off handed he said one day, I think he was annoyed at me trying to tail my brothers around and be apart of their friend group excreta.
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