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Never had it
I guess I'm back to my old tricks with myself. I'm using a certain irreversible action as an excuse, an escape, a chance to breathe again. I don't deserve this life. I don't know if it's better or worse I deserve, but where I am there is no moving. I stare at the clock in hopes that time will be in my favor one day. That the one I love will come back or at least talk to me.
I thought I was done crying but now I see that I've never been so alone. And I just feel so empty. I don't want to move. I hate what I've become. Aren't there usually answers when one goes searching for them? Why can't I find any? It's almost like I'm not supposed to have questions. I can't even see why I'm so alone, so without her, or why I'm such a horrible person. I mean, the only person that has ever fully known me is... Gone. She barely even cares. Anything I do is selfish and whiny. But it's only because now she knows of better out there.
They are right though, it is easier to just get rid of me. I keep saying I'm not a person. And I think it's true. People shouldn't feel like this. People that feel like this normally kill themselves. But with my luck, I'd do it, then the next day would be when she wants to try me again. Too late. Then her life would be over. Regret has to be what makes a monster. I regret everything. From stepping into your life to bitching long after you should have wanted me out. Still. I do regret everything. I am the moster here. And I always will be. I don't know how to live correctly. I just know I'm empty and without you. I can't be happy like this. How can I live with a feeling that will last forever?
I don't have anything to give you. Not anymore. You're nothing like me now that you've found happiness with someone else. And I'm nothing like you. When was the last time you thought the world had nothing to offer you? Except your boyfriend. It is plain to see that he will fail from lack of initiative. At least you would have pushed me out of failure. With him, nothing will push him anywhere. But that's not you. You'll be successful with or without anyone. I'm sorry. I want to be there next to you, but it looks like I can't. And if I'm not... I can't do this. I want to quit. I am not a person, the world has nothing to offer me, I am nothing but emptiness and love that doesn't matter, so tell me- what purpose do I hold?
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