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Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads
for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why,
without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri- Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd
probably never go horseback riding or salsadancing, and I'd
certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight,
white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings.Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize
how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you
how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16
in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever
suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time
of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel
hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few
minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into
what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife
skills." Isn't the human body amazing?As Brand Manager in the
Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of
research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly
visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize
it's a tough time for most women.In fact, only last week, my friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles
into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought
Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling
with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the
reason for my letter.Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive
backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you ********
kidding me?What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager
brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is
possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above
sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will
never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack
yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house
just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a
hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of
glory.For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have
to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense
to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the
Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just
picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits,
for have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I
will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss
your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will
keep... Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons

Austin, TX