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i put heart emotes around em too! hehe
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Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.


Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

heart Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris doesn't dodge bullets.
Bullests dodge Chuck Norris.


heart Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

heart When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

heart If you have 5 dollars, and Chuck Norris has 5 dollars, Chuck Norris is richer than you.


Chuck Norris can speak braille.


heart Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.



xp Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.


rofl Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.


Chuck Norris can unscrable an egg

heart heart heart Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime. heart heart


Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.


If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.


Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.


The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

While on the set chuck norris was about to kick the stunt double and his foot went so fast it went back in time kick amilia arnheart and disengrated her plane and thats how she dissapeared

rofl Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

eek Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.


Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.


Chuck Norris doesnt push up he pushes the earth down

ninja Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

heart heart heart Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body. heart heart

The origanal title of the Bible was Chuck Norris and Friends.


Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

heart If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

Superman can crush coal into diamonds
Chuck Norris and crush diamonds into black holes.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris was Darth Vaders father.



heart Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


domokun Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

domokun Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

blaugh If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

eek Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

heart heart heart heart When Chuck Norris has sex with guys, its not because hes gay, its because he ran out of women heart heart

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

heart heart Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. heart heart

heart heart heart Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. heart