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How to Escape From a Bear (a madib Monica and I did):
Although bears can look cute and prickily, they can be very dangerous to humans. Many times, people encounter them when they are floundering or flaunting. Here's what you should do if you see a bear: 1) Don't try to play patty-cake with the bear. Clap idiotically. A boob might actually scare the bear away. 2) If you have any tupees with you, make sure to screen their phone calls at all times; you don't want them waxing toward the bear. 3) If you happen to be in a cow when you volunteer the bear, remain inside and be sure to keep the honeymooners up. 4) If a bear happens to approach you, adjust quietly and stay where you are. If it does try to attack you, hit it distractedly with anything that you can. You should always aim for the bear's bellybutton or eyebrow.