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Valentines Day ...


How do I hate thee, let me count the ways ...


*sigh*

I went to see a movie tonight - I went with my Dad and some friends, but it ended up being a poor movie choice ... a good movie, really, but it reminded me of an old flame ... *sighs*


Once upon a time ... there was a girl ... and she was obsessed with? or in love with a boy - probably both. ... It was 6 years ago, I was 20 and the world was my oyster - I had all of life in front of me, and out of all the guys in all the world, I chose to adore someone who wasn't interested in me ... although there were moments ... when it seemed as though he might almost be open to being interested in me. How young and how foolish I was ... alas, for the naievity of my heart, I gave so much time, thought, and attention to my fantasies of a life with him. He was a local singer who lived in the same dormitory as me - he sang at local coffee shops and at events on the campus we both lived in. He was ... so mysterious, all indie/angsty/emo, arty and hot. Very, very handsome - brown hair, and deep blue soulful eyes, and a really stylish, indie/vintage dresser. He was really something else. At the time, I wanted to be a singer too, and I interviewed him for a paper I was doing, the topic of which was supposed to be an interview with someone in our career field of choice ... I sometimes sat at his table in the campus cafeteria and tried to talk to him, but I was so shy ... I went to as many of his concerts on campus and in the coffee shops as I could. Eventually, I wrote him a letter when he was leaving ... I didn't think he'd ever come back ... so, that summer, I had a brief dating relationship with a guy who somewhat vaguely reminded me of him ... that was weird ... well eventually Benny (the singer guy that I liked) came back to California - imagine my shock ... he had gotten a girlfriend over the summer too ... My boyfriend came to visit me in the early fall term, and we ran into Benny at the cafeteria ... it was so weird ... I could hardly breathe ... my boyfriend made us sit at Benny's table ... it was awful ... eventually, my relationship ended, and I wrote Benny a note to tell him that I still had feelings for him ... he told me he wasn't interested ... that he was still dating that girl ... he broke up with her later but still wasn't interested, but oddly enough wanted to email me for awhile when I asked him if I could email him - as friends ... after awhile, he just stopped emailing me - I never heard from him again. Looking back at those times from this point in time, I am so glad that he stopped emailing me! I was practically stalking this poor guy - persuing him even though he had indicated many times that he wasn't interested in me. When I think about it now, I'm really embarassed and ashamed that I continued to try and get the attention of someone who wasn't interested in me ...

It's so weird, but every once in awhile, even after all these years, I still think of him and wonder what might have been if he had been interested in me. Now, though, I realize that I was attracted to him for all the wrong reasons: his looks, his singing, and his angsty persona.

Those times, so many years ago ... like a poison, like a cancer, slowly dissolving - but sometimes, I still remember and am sad that he never was interested in me. It used to hurt me so much, but now I'm mostly glad that I never hooked up with him - I'm pretty sure it would have been a disaster, for so very many reasons. But maybe, there will always be a tiny part of me that will always wonder what might have been. Whenever I think about him (it had been many months since I last thought of him until tonight), I pray for myself, that I will be drawn to life, hope, and real love and that the memory of him will no longer have the power to hurt me or chain me.

The movie I watched with my Dad and friends tonight was about a singer and a songwriter (Music & Lyrics) and ... it made me think about Benny ... *#!* kind of ruined my evening ... even though the movie itself was sweet and had some funny parts. ^_^ Maybe someday I'll be able to watch movies with singers in them and not even think about Benny. In my day to day life I almost never think of him at all. I am happier that way, not thinking about him, because it is highly unlikely that I'll ever see him again, and even if I did, I'm sure that he wouldn't be interested in me anyway. Now I know that I don't ever want to be the one doing the asking out, and that if ever I do, if that person turns me down, I will never continue to try and change their mind. That kind of stuff is really bad for a person's sense of self-esteem. My current personal policy is that if a guy isn't interested in me, then I'm not interested in him! I will never make a fool of myself again!!! crying

It took me years to get Benny out of my system. I think I'm completely over him now, but I can't watch movies about guy singers, read books about guy singers, or listen to songs about guy singers without thinking about him and feeling just a little sad about what never was, so I tend to try to avoid those things whenever I can. Tonight's movie wasn't my choice ... I wish I had watched something else ...

Now, I am trying to build a new vision of the kind of guy I want ... someone kind, warm, gentle. Someone who would ask me out instead of making me ask him out. I want a guy who loves me deeply and who tells me so directly and often. He has to be emotionally healthy and stable (especially since I'm not those things myself (but I'm trying to remedy that, so that I'll be a fit mate for him)). He won't be obsessive or creepy at all - he wouldn't play with me or mess with my mind. He is tender, gentle, and romantic - he will bring me flowers, and write me poems and love letters. We will picnic outdoors and read poetry together under the trees, watch the sunset, stars, and sunrise together. We will each be each other's second best friend (second to God). We will only love God more than each other. We will truly and deeply enjoy each other's company and conversation. Everything about who he is will be so warm, kind, honest, sincere, true, and gentle. He will be wise, thoughtful, and tactful.

He will treat me like a priceless, beautiful, irreplaceable treasure. Long before he ever starts doing those romantic things I mentioned in the paragraph above (flowers, poems, love letters) he will have gotten to know me - he won't ask me out until he knows me and has become friends with me. He will be a man whom I can look up to, respect, and depend on. He will never be unfaithful to me, his love for me and his morals will be too strong to allow such a thing. He will be everything I've always dreamed of (that's good and healthy) and more.