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Tiger's thinking how odd it is...
To remember why you actually liked a person.
It seems to me that when you're with someone, and then you get hurt and "move on" that you only remember the bad things with the person... the heart ache, the drama, the fact that they sucked your heart and soul out of your chest with a bendy straw... But looking back, there had to be something you liked about the person, or they wouldn't have been able to affect you in such a way. So, you ask yourself, what did I see in this person? And then, maybe you find a saved note, or message, and you read it over, and remember why you ever liked the person in the first place.
Because maybe, despite the fact that they did hurt you, they also made you feel loved, and like you did matter in the world. Maybe they gave you butterflies in your stomach with even the slightest hint at romance. Maybe there was something about them that endeared you to them, despite the fact that you did get hurt, and you did shed tears. Maybe you didn't ever want to give up on them, but circumstances forced your hand, and you didn't want to just be a "friend with benefits." Maybe, despite the fact that it was hard, you wanted it to succeed. And, even after everything, there is still a chance that maybe you could love this person again, if things were different.
They say only the deepest love turns to true hate. I don't want that to be true, and trying to be "just friends" can be a killer, even at the best of times. It also leads to such awkwardness... what do you talk about now? When your time used to be taken up by small touches and sweetness, how do you JUST TALK? Can there ever be a sense of normalcy between you two? Was there EVER a sense of normalcy?
What can you do when you start to question yourself and if it was ever real? Maybe they didn't love you... you know you loved them, you have proof written down in a whole book of your ups and downs... and you remember asking your self that question, thinking you shouldn't love them, but having your heart mentally b***h-slap you and say "I don't care what you say, it's love." How do you ask someone if they ever loved you? Can you work up the nerve? What would you do if they said no? That would hurt worse than anything else... to learn it was all a lie. Maybe that's why we don't ask questions- we're afraid of the answer. I admit, I'm afraid to ask those questions, I'm afraid what will be said to me.
Because I know after that, I thought I felt things for people, but it wasn't real. Nothing matched up to the way I felt with that person, until recently. So, as much as people may hate it, I have been in love a mere two times in my life.
And even with the recenties, it isn't the same! I ******** hate it too! I hate the fact that I get annoyed and consider ending things for no real or good reason other than I don't want to anymore. That's not a good enough reason, dammit! What was so different about it, what made him special, why can't I get over it?? The only way to really get over it would be to hate him, and I refuse! I R E F U S E!! I will not let a little heartbreak screw it up. I won't hate someone I used to love, I won't I won't I won't, and you can't make me!
I mean, it's not just all black and white. There has to be a gray area. Else, what does that mean for life? It can't be love or hate, there has to be a middle ground. And by love, I don't mean like friend, sibling, family, that kind of love, I mean full blown, I see stars, Cupid's arrow, IN love. The love that leaves you breathless and leaves you thinking about the person all day. That makes it so that when you are with them, you're almost drunk and you're floating on cloud nine. The love that songs and movies portray, that you think you'll never feel. THAT kind of love. There cannot be just THAT love and utter disgust and loathing and hate of a person. Somewhere, there has to be something in between. Now, I just need to find out what that might be, and maybe things will get better.
Wow, I haven't written that much in a loooong time.
It felt really good too :)
So, I leave you with a quote: Keep your theology away from my biology!
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