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More Confessions Of A Romantic Heart

I just finished watching Anne of Green Gables! Such a romantic ending smile Well ... of course, movies like that make me happy at first, and then a bit sad ... lonely ... Will I ever know true love? That's what I wonder a few minutes after the happy endings of romance movies. *sighs* I guess I think about that alot, and thinking about my longing for romance doesn't help, though it does serve to keep me in touch with my emotions regarding romance. *sighs* Maybe, allowing myself to feel my heart's longing for love and allowing myself to be sad once in awhile helps to keep my heart from growing jaded, cold, bitter, and indifferent. *sighs*

I definitely need to pray about this - I need to learn to trust God. Right now, I'm still not ready for love anyway. I'm not as close to God as I'd like to be, I have some emotional issues left to be resolved, I'm unwise, I'm undisciplined (I have so many bad habits), I am deeply insecure, overweight, unemployed, don't have a driver's license. If I were a guy, I wouldn't want to date me. crying

I have major issues with being able to truly and deeply trust people - especially men. I fear men. So much rejection ... I've been rejected again and again ... Will I ever be really and truly loved and cherished?

I want to be swept off my feet, tenderly and sincerely loved and courted, I want to be valued, understood, known. I want to be appreciated and admired. I want this love, this beautiful thing, whatever it is ... and I know how I want it to happen. I want to be friends with him for awhile first, and then I want him to ask me out. I want to be in love with someone who I know deeply and genuinely like as a person, someone who I truly enjoy talking to and spending time with, someone who is a true friend, and a true love. I want a man who is tender, gentle, romantic, artistic, passionate about art & creativity, down-to-earth, practical (so many artistic types aren't), who is a true friend, handsome (I can't deny it - I want to be attracted to him physically as well, and it's okay to want that), who loves God deeply, and will be a kind, loving husband to me and father to our future children. I have these really long lists I've made of these and other more specific characteristics that I hope he'll possess, but I need to trust this all to God. God knows the desires of my heart, and will give them to me according to what is in my best interest.

In the meantime, there is someone who loves me very much and who posses most all of the characteristics I listed: it's God. God loves me so deeply, has continually provided for me, nurtured me, romanced my heart with His love. Why do I refuse to accept that as valid and important? It is true that God created humankind to need each other. I need to trust that God has placed in me this desire for a spouse, and that God will fullfill this desire and grant my request. God will also fill that place in my soul that no human being ever could. He is my first love.