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..sigh..

Things seem out of place.Then again its allways been that way...


School is begining to seem nearly pointless and a burden...I wanna just quit...family life is allready dead to me..only a select few I see as true family...I have no damn job, yet I have been working my a** off doing those damn work expriance courses.
My real dad owes me $37,000 in support,and it dosnt look like he'll be paying up anytime soon...*so much for using that as a fall back*....I have allmost no friends..I choose to keep it that way because nearlly all the peopel I currently know will be moving away sooner or later anyways.I mis-placed my mp3 *either that or it was stolen* My mother is excited about some inventions she thought up dont have a documented patent...but I think shes possibly falling for a scam...I really cant see myself in the future with any type of gain....this new graduation program is a pain in the a** for me it complicates the matters of how I graduate.I have the imagination and mind for art but no talent in bringing it to "life"

My Idea of trying to round up fellow metal heads and fundraise to travel to Germany over the summer died the instant it was talked about no-one seemed interested.
One of my current friends are suffering...apparently everyday....yet she choses to put up a big escapade that everything is fine but its finally breaking through and still affecting her.I have the feeling some people on here are putting on a make believe drama.I feel like saying it to the person(s) but I choose not to.

Lately I've been having dreams...ones that leave me confused when I wake up
ones that make me want to look back and wish I was still in the past..or at least see the what could of been...I still have feelings for a few of my ex's..even though I went through with trying to burn the bridges and sever the ties with them...

Wacthed a person die on my job...But like allways..didnt know the guy so I didnt care.Seems like that too when it comes to deaths in my family...my mother took it hard when her sister was found dead...I didnt bat an eyelash just said "oh really? thats to bad"


Sometimes I wonder what would of happened If I let myself snap...let myself give in to full insanity and do what I had the maddening urge to do...end up in jail or in an asylum for the rest of my life becuase of it..
I still rember holding that ax in my hands...trembling about what I wanted to do...
thinking quickly about what to do if I went through with it...