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I've been betrayed...he lied to me about everything. Everything. He said he wanted to see other people but still marry me. What is wrong with this.....it's just...I trusted him twice. Twice. And both times I lost those gambles. I've lost everything. He used me. He left to date his co-worker....but then he found out that he wasn't allowed to date co-workers at Hot Topic. So he came back to me. He used me to fall on. I knew it too. The whole time. Ever since he said he wanted us to be friends with benefits just so he could date Milene. And then he asked what was a good way to break up with a girl without hurting their feelings....that told me right there it was over. Of course that was a month ago. And I LET it happen....I'm so ashamed....I didn't listen to closest friend....and I BELEIVED her. I KNEW this all from the start and tried to ignore it....and I did. I was openely betrayed and lied to and it's MY fault. I LET this happen. God, everything I am has dissappeared. My pride....my dinstuished sense of self...even my vanity......gone. I couldn't tell him.....about my dream. Last night after he left me.....I dreamt that we were married. A very happy couple. It was autumn. The leaves littered the ground in an array of colors. It was so breathtaking. Me and him....we walked together.....down a a street in a small town where we lived. But we weren't holding hands. We each held someone else's tiny hands. It was the most beautiful baby girl I have ever seen or dreamt. So angelic and cherubic. The most lovely lock of thick blonde hair....all short. She had blue eyes. Plump rosey cheeks.....smileing and laughing.....she was about 2 years old. Maybe a little less...God she was beautiful.....we called her Misa. She was our daughter. She was so gorgeous....my own litle girl. A dream I've wanted forever with him.....and there it was....then i woke up this morning....I wasn;t upset. I thought this meant maybe it will happen. I hate being wrong. He told me today everything. I no longer foster feelings for anything. I'm quite content now just straing at the walls. My jelletin red walls. In my tiny room....my safe haven for years. It gets so cold in the winter in this room.....and so hot in the summer....it has terrible ventilation and poor insulation. But it's MINE. The only thing that I can have and no one else can't.

Oh my God...it hurts.....it hurts so much. Yet I am so numb. I've always wanted to be numb when I feel pain. And now I have it. It's almost wonderful. There's this sense of nothing. That's what I feel. A sense of nothing. It's like when you have a neutral dream that seems to foster no meaning and seems completely random having come from nowhere. That's what it is now. Numbness. Nothingness. I love it. I no longer feel like I'm among the living. I let this happen to me....and for it....I've lost all aspect of reality. I can't feel anyhting. Warmth....cold.....happy or sad or lonely....no pain. Light. I feel light. Kind of like a window.


I've deserved every bit of this. This was my chocie...I got what I wanted. I got to make my own choice fo myself. So there isn't much to complain about. I'm now gone......to where....why......my Wonderland.