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Definitions of words that can't be defined...
Anger. Heartbreak. Devstation. Everyday story of an everyday teenager's life. Emotions conflict and have no choice but to coincide with others in this lonely, solitude world. Some, all though quite few, are continuously overjoyed with life and the events that fill their pages and afternoons. They are the lucky ones. They've learned to avoid the everyday drama that is highschool. I wonder why I decided to take the path of congregating and conversing. It has always looked so peaceful and calm. Like a well sunlit path on a warm summer's afternoon. However, the smarter choice, which tends to always lead down the same path, is a path less traveled and yet....as many lonely humans as there are that exist in this world , tends to be one not taken by choice. Of course, there many emotions derived from basic feelings that feed off of the comotion and thrive off of the dranatic events that lay in front of the path. Derived emotions, such as angst, lonliness, anxiety, joy and happiness, they all come, from a select few base feelings. Base feelings would be fear, sadness, and anger.Feelings as basic as these are triggered through events. Let's start with fear. Fear.

fear  /fɪər/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[feer] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.
3. concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety.
4. reverential awe, esp. toward God.
5. that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid: Cancer is a common fear.
–verb (used with object)
6. to regard with fear; be afraid of.
7. to have reverential awe of.
8. Archaic. to experience fear in (oneself).
–verb (used without object)
9. to have fear; be afraid.

Fear can a powerful thing. Through history, some may have noticed that fear, was the cause of war. War. Simple. Misconcieved. Destructive. Many wars have triggered fear, but, fear has also been the cause. People fear what they do not know. They also fear change, rejection, and pain. Those are called the base causes, fear being the effect. When there is a cause and an effect, there is also a consequence. Japan and the olden days, feared change, and closed off there ocean borders to the rest of the world and jolted many civil wars. Pope Urban II Feared what he didn't know, in other words, different views and different religions which led to the Crusades. Adolf Hitler feared the liquidation of the Arian race which led to World War II.

Those examples of how a single feeling can create the determination and power to destroy and conquer demonstrates the destructive traits. However, there heroic atributes to it as well. Fear can lead to the ability to do what one would believe is morally right. The strength to risk one's own life to save another. An eager father goes to war in order to defend his family. The strength to fight for what one beleives in. Joan of Arc went against everything she knew to face death and fight for her religion. The strength to overcome all odds. Settler's that landed in Plymouth in 1620 faced a long winter full of starvation and disease survived to populate one of the world's most powerful countries.

Where can it (fear) be at it's peak? Where does the ultimate fear lie? In adolescence. The raging confusion that is growing up in a world that only accelerates. One cannot simply freeze when faced fear or they will dissappear, only to be left behind with nothing but their own confused shell. That one emotion can make a person change their entire view on life. Their looks. Their personality. Their beleifs. Their friends. Their strengths and weaknesess. Everything that a teenager is can be created or destroyed by one simple feeling.

What is the cause? There can many. Rejection. One of the biggest fears starting from around when school begins for a child, can be just the amplification needed to create change. This could make even the most headstrong child morph themseves into someone completely different. A different personaility is created and worn as a façade to hide what the majority rejects. Someone who has never been to a Catholic Church before and has never been expsed to that tradition of religion before can grow to fear the thought of the consequences of another religion, even if they do not believe in it. A person can mold themselves anyway possible. Of course, everyone has their limits. Limitations vary between individuals. Someone can bend and try to avoid what they fear. Others break just as easily as others can shapeshift themeselves.

The zenith of fear is only reached when one has no pride. Pride, I think, is derived from lonliness. Which is a second hand feeling next to sadness. I have plenty of pride, leaving the inevitable fear behind. I've come to grow apathetic towards the thought of rejection. I've become accustomed to doing as I please without a care for others thoughts. But what of fear of loss? What might that achieve...... Oh the possibilities. Ah. Of course, something better to ponder would be what can it create?

I've gone over a brief amount of what destructive nature fear can have and I skimmed the surface of what it creates. But to go into greater depths....to break the stone that block the passage of creation.
cre‧ate  /kriˈeɪt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kree-eyt] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation verb, -at‧ed, -at‧ing, adjective
–verb (used with object)
1. to cause to come into being, as something unique that would not naturally evolve or that is not made by ordinary processes.
2. to evolve from one's own thought or imagination, as a work of art or an invention.
3. Theater. to perform (a role) for the first time or in the first production of a play.
4. to make by investing with new rank or by designating; constitute; appoint: to create a peer.
5. to be the cause or occasion of; give rise to: The announcement created confusion.
6. to cause to happen; bring about; arrange, as by intention or design: to create a revolution; to create an opportunity to ask for a raise.
–verb (used without object)
7. to do something creative or constructive.
8. British. to make a fuss.
–adjective
9. Archaic. created.
[Origin: 1350–1400; ME creat (ptp.) < L creātus, equiv. to creā- (s. of creāre to make) + -tus ptp. suffix]

One of the most dreadful things I fear is attatchment. I seclude myself from others in fear of becoming attatched which is also connected to fear of loss. I fear attatchment becuase of fear of loss which in turns create another fear, the fear of pain. It's all connected. If one was to lose a person they were attatched too they would expierience pain. That's how it works. Why would I fear loss of one I was attatched to? Would it be lonliness? Either way, it all be from pain. Hurt. That's exactly what it is.

What is love? I beleive it is the reason pain exists. Mental pain anyways.

love  /lʌv/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[luhv] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, loved, lov‧ing.
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.
–verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20. to have sexual intercourse with.
–verb (used without object)
21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.
—Verb phrase
22. love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets.
—Idioms
23. for love,
a. out of affection or liking; for pleasure.
b. without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.
24. for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.
25. in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.
26. in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.
27. make love,
a. to embrace and kiss as lovers.
b. to engage in sexual activity.
28. no love lost, dislike; animosity: There was no love lost between the two brothers.
[Origin: bef. 900; (n.) ME; OE lufu, c. OFris luve, OHG luba, Goth lubō; (v.) ME lov(i)en, OE lufian; c. OFris luvia, OHG lubōn to love, L lubēre (later libēre) to be pleasing; akin to lief]

—Synonyms 1. tenderness, fondness, predilection, warmth, passion, adoration. 1, 2. Love, affection, devotion all mean a deep and enduring emotional regard, usually for another person. Love may apply to various kinds of regard: the charity of the Creator, reverent adoration toward God or toward a person, the relation of parent and child, the regard of friends for each other, romantic feelings for another person, etc. Affection is a fondness for others that is enduring and tender, but calm. Devotion is an intense love and steadfast, enduring loyalty to a person; it may also imply consecration to a cause. 2. liking, inclination, regard, friendliness. 15. like. 16. adore, adulate, worship.
—Antonyms 1, 2. hatred, dislike. 15, 16. detest, hate.

I'm not surprised as to how many different forms of love have appeared through the years. I suppose the only thing that's painful abut love is the loss. Loss of life, loss of loyalty, loss of the returned feeling.....

Betryal hurts the most. What can cause this? Betrayal? I have no idea. If love is as how it's been defined then there is no betrayal in a love. But, biased love.....it's the most painful expierience.




Betrayal. It has destroyed many nations, taken the lives of the powerful emperors and rulers, and caused many tragedies. Dare I let myself crumble uner the devastating force?


Humaity has actually defined such a hideous thing as love.

_______________________________________________________________________________


It's ok to pretend....isn't it?


Sometimes I like to pretend I'm not lonely.

I make believe. I create a lie that over shadows everything.





I fear...that I have created a façade.






I pretend that there is always someone there when I need them. I made up my own person.



I pretend that I am loved. I pretend they care. I make up a nice little pretend life.



Why can't there ever be anyone there to comfort me when I need to be comforted?


I just want someone to tell me that everything will be ok.

I just want....to feel like I can be cared for without the mistrust and betrayal.

I don't want this to be one-sided any longer. I don't want to be lied to or used anymore.








When did loyalty die out?