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holy ******** I'm finally feeling down....

after almost a month and 3 weeks I finally felt like s**t for the 1st time ina while
thats got to be the longest time ina while ive been that upbeat in years...

its been nuts at my house...my mom started drinking the way she used to a few weeks back **going out for most of the day and comes home drunk and sleepy then passes out on the couch with can be consdered a rountine ritual by how often she'll do this**
my lil brothers have gotten more bicthy then ever before...they yell over the stupidist things...one will act all bitchy then 5 mins after the other one whos perfectly fine takes the others place..

went job hunting agian with no luck...I didnt mind the rain it set the mood perfectly
makes me wonder how many ppl think that...I snuck out til' 4 am just thinking about many things going on....
aside from wanting to drink vodka for the 1st time in 3 months or just lace into my crabbyass siblings
for being irritated sons of bicthes for the past week including today

******** hitler deleted all my songs all 278 of them.....
my trip to seeing my old friends seems like it wont be happening again for the 3rd or 4th time ina ******** row...

the family I dont care for is trying to drag me to their house to help around exessivly....
**out of all the family members they choose me the semi-estranged one**
still hear crap about my real dad wanting me to go live with him....
hitlers still bicthing at me to get a job..he expects that if I go and go into stupidly
great lengths of going allover town dropping resumes all over town
even talking to the manager of the store if possible that I'll land a job in this
crap-tacular town...even applyed at 2/3 canneries here in town
and still havent got a call form there or the many stores and restraunts I tryed out

Now I finally understand that term that other dealers once told me...
"There never seems to be an stable job at all"...so you get tempted to keep on dealing....but due to moral issues and the concern of others close to me I decided to reluctanly not go for that one last deal were I could of scored a hefty load of cash
for some measily dexidrine pills....
Why does it allways seem that the bad deludes you enough to hesitate about keeping up your guard??