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Wow. That is my comment on the state of everything.
The amount of change that has happened in the past few months is staggering. I have high hopes for the future, hopes that these changes will result in the world being better. But right now everything feels very dim.

I have also changed a lot lately. My mind, my emotions, my beliefs. I've been doing a lot of learning and unlearning. As it turns out, that is a difficult and messy process. I feel like I'm picking everything apart, scraping away decades-worth of hardened mud accumulated simply by living in this world.

Spending so much time alone at home has both helped and increased my social anxiety. Being alone obviously helps because there's less to be anxious about but it's so much harder to be around people now. I can manage going to the grocery store but only because I'm wearing a mask so I'm mostly hidden.
I wish I could go outside without being seen. I'm not ready to deal with people's expectations.
I feel like I'm learning to be myself for the first time, and I need to just be for a little while.
I know when people look at me they don't see who I am, that their judgments are influenced by them and not me. But still, it's me they are seeing and some version of me now exists in their minds and I know their version of me is wrong. This is something that has often bothered me.
I just want to disappear from everyone's consciousness until I have learned how to exist in this world as myself.

I want to walk with the plants and animals, and nothing else.

I'm working from home now but I will have to go back eventually ... maybe I will magically be ready by then sweatdrop


I will leave you with this poem


do not choose the lesser life.
do you hear me.
do you hear me.
choose the life that is. yours.
the life that is seducing your lungs.
that is dripping down your chin.

~Nayyirah Waheed