I've grown up the past 7 years. From having a sick child, to discovering my talents and even my gender identity. Its all a mess inside my head sometimes. Some days I wake up and think "This is going to be a good day." Some days I open my eyes and think "this day is going to suck major a**." 2017 is a new year that I've done so much with. 2016 was a year I did a lot with as well. In 2016, I got my own place, started college, made friends and my channel grew thanks to those friendships. I've jumped into fandoms, started cosplays left and right, I even made so much content for my channel that I gained up to 600 subscribers after starting my new channel back in 2012. In 2017, the year started with ending a lot of friendships, gaining some new ones, starting a new obsession with musicals, and realizing how in love I am with my partner. I gained more subs to the point where I got 100 extra subscribers literally overnight. I figured out that hate comments can get to you at any time of your internet life, not just when you hit a certain milestone. I've learned that my mental health drains quickly when I don't take care of myself enough in my daily life. I've begun to notice things about myself this year. I noticed that everything you say and do matters. I noticed that people are really mean if you are friends with someone who is legitimately popular in the cosplay community. I noticed that I need to work harder on my content if I want to do what I love for a living. I noticed that schoolwork takes priority over social life. I noticed that musicals are part of my life now and everything in a single song can change my view on life drastically. I noticed that I have more to offer the world than just "the perfect cosplay" or "the best skills in filmmaking."
Life is different since I moved to Indiana. The heat is unbearable since I have no air conditioning and since its a "cold state" where we get snow, air conditioning isn't a priority unless you wanna pay extra or the place you live in is old and has never had central air since it was built. My sister and her fiance take up so much space in my life and I hate it. Both of them have jobs that don't pay them enough but they can buy games and gadgets and their own food. My sister can't give up her iPhone and get a phone that actually works for what its needed, to call and text people. She's broke and in debt because she wanted an iPhone and she is ruining her life with it. Her fiance has never lived a day in her life struggling to feed herself or worry about bills until she lived with my sister in their own apartment, and even then she gave all those responsibilities to my sister. I never signed up to babysit. I didn't sign up for two brats with jobs and money to b***h and complain about our spending habits. I didn't sign up for two idiots in my home sucking up all the bandwidth. I didn't sign up for two stress inducers. I didn't sign up for two little bitches who try to control the household.
My mental health is changing every day. Some days I feel good enough to go outside, but most days I would rather sit at home and play my games or work on videos. This break I'm taking for my channel has been helping greatly. And thanks to that, I have inspiration to work again. I have the urge to write down ideas and come up with scripts. I have a friend who has started making videos again and in turn has helped me. I am so grateful for my friend Aless for doing what's best for them. I'm so happy to see someone I actually deeply care for do something they need to do and not what other want them to do.
I want to see my partner. I want to visit their home and spend the entire day snuggling and watching anime. I want to lay in bed naked with them and feel how warm their body is. I want to cook them a meal and see how happy they are from eating my food. I want to wake up every morning and see their face before kissing them awake. But I haven't had those chances. I haven't been able to afford a bus ticket to see them in person. i haven't been able to hold their hand or kiss them or even look them in the eyes in person. I'm dating someone I haven't met yet and it hurts a lot. I love them so much. They love me so much. I just want to let them know how much they mean to me. I'm having dreams of marrying their silly a** and having the nerdiest wedding, the nerdiest proposal. Cringy, but nerdy. And I hope that one day will happen, but for now I need to look at how I will get to see them.
 Canis Baileyi Lupus · Tue Jul 04, 2017 @ 07:14am · 0 Comments |
