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[September 29, 2016]
I was and am always scared of waking up grey, but I had previously thought I was more scared of a loved one waking up grey. I had thought that, being a victim of the Shadow, I was bound to experience such a degree of greyness that I was similarly bound to get used to it eventually.

And to a rather sad extent, I can't particularly say I'm not used to it at all. I have actively dealt with the Shadow for consecutive days before, and have been having symptoms of the Shadow for at least the last handful of years. I am not a stranger to greyness. However, the most... dreaded thing happened yesterday.

I woke up grey. There are different intensities of grey. The grey I thought I knew was a grey that took away my capacity to enjoy things. The grey I had yesterday (and perhaps still today) was and might still be a greyness of emotional indifference. Suddenly, I don't feel anything with anyone. Suddenly, social relations don't matter as much anymore. People are suddenly mere objects and I am but a hollow shell of a human, a porcelain doll, if you will.

[October 3, 2016]
Just a quick side note, but I am less grey today than I was in the previous three paragraphs. I would still like to continue writing about this topic, though, so do pardon me.

I think I have the right to say that being grey is not a pleasant experience. Some people may choose the greyness because they may find it easier than the full force of the Shadow. I, however, don't enjoy the greyness at all. I'd rather feel terrible and know that at least I'm still capable of feeling anything than just be… empty. And on a related note, I think it's worse knowing what it's like being grey and then having to witness a loved one turn grey.

What is one supposed to do to combat the loss of colour in either oneself or one's loved one? I mean, I know that when I'm grey, I have no motivation to do much. Given the associated immunity (or would it be indifference?) to the actions of others, I assume I am an ineffective cure for someone suffering from a day of grey. What do I do? What am I supposed to do? What is there to do?

I would not be surprised if there are no right answers to those questions. I'd like to assume there are, to assume that there is redemption for those who are damned.



I originally intended another excerpt from this song, but it had the title in it which invalidates it for this portion of my entries. Oh wells! This works just fine. I make the rules in my world (reference to "Lucia's World," the name of this journal).

And now that we've got that straight,
Doesn't mean that I can fly
Doesn't mean that I can go do whatever I want.
Now that we've got that clear
And you know that I'm not here
Doesn't mean that I can go do whatever I please.

That's rare. Two entries uploaded on the same day. yum_puddi