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Oh, I forgot to mention a little happening in my last entry! I thought I should include it since it was pretty cute. My brother got a cat last year in February. I'm not sure how to input the accents in her name on the computer (maybe I'll add them in later if I revisit this entry on my iPod), but we call her Xau Xi. It means "ugly" in Vietnamese.

Anyhow, earlier this year when breakdowns were a constant occurrence, Xau Xi would occasionally approach me and rub against me, as if to console me. Xau Xi isn't normally an affectionate cat, but she is by no means seclusive or aggressive. She's very human-like and has a strong appetite for playing.

Normally when I have breakdowns, I go to my room as soon as possible if I'm not already there. When I'm in my room, I tend to close the door (a habit formed when I was... with a dead man) and when the door's closed, I've established my isolation.

There were times back in the transitioning months between 2015 and 2016 that I didn't have time to get to my room. It was somewhat rare, but not too rare, for me to having breakdowns on the stairs or by the dining table or in the living room. I mean, now I know how to recognize if I'm going to have a breakdown, but back then I didn't know how to deal with frequent breakdowns. They seemed to just attack out of nowhere.

During these times (when I had breakdowns outside of my room), Xau Xi would come and keep me company until I calmed down a bit. Even though she's younger than me, I appreciate her capacity to at least understand when I'm not in the best mood.

Yesterday, during my breakdown, I did happen to be in my room. The warning signs came quickly and by the time I knew I was going to have a breakdown, I was already in tears. And, as per usual, my door was closed.

It wasn't exactly closed, though. My door frame is a little small for the door and I'm often too lazy to apply that extra push it needs to *click*. I normally just push it in enough so that it doesn't open on its own. Also, I seem to experience a degree of paranoia when it's completely closed. It's as if I'm trapped in the room after that *click* and what if there's a preexisting threat in the room? I'd have pretty much sealed my fate and dug my own grave.

So, here I was, on my bed having a breakdown at two in the morning when I detect movement in the blurry corners of my eye. Lo and behold, 'twas none other than Xau Xi! She had pushed her way into my room (which means that my hyperventilations could be heard from outside, oops). I stuck my fist out and she rubbed against it like she never does and it was really nice.

I'm really glad I chose to stay here for university. I don't think I'm mentally equipped to be away from home just yet.

It was especially cute because earlier, she had been laying outside my room (as she always does when I close my door) and never before I have I experienced her pushing her way into my room after getting comfortable outside it. I like to think of it as proof of her effort to console me, but maybe I'm just a crazy cat lady.

Speaking of which, when I did notice she had opened my door, I was able to see my papa fixing something in my sisters room (I believe he was tweaking her printer, but I don't know the specifics). I didn't realize anyone was awake still. I mean, I guess it was only two in the morning then. Right now, it's approaching four, oops.

If Xau Xi knew I was having a breakdown, perhaps my papa knew as well. I wonder what he thinks of it and I wonder if he knows the state of my mental condition. It's a little concerning because I don't want my parents to be concerned, aha. Anyhow, yeah! That's all I wanted to say in addition to the last entry.

I just had a metaphorical sip of my favourite soft drink and I'm feeling a bit better than I had been nearing the end of my previous entry. I'll go to sleep soon, I promise!

Xau Xi is sleeping on my piano bench beside my bed right now. I was a bit... bothered (to a relatively minor extent!) because there wasn't space for her there and she just kinda pushed everything off. Oh wells.




Pretty sure I've used this song before, but perhaps I had previous taken a different snippet.
And the pride inside their eyes
Would synchronize into
a love you've never know
So much more than you've been shown

And as always, from one night owl to a fellow, gooooouda night, dear reader! You're so special. yum_puddi