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Getting Over Someone I Loved 7/?: Letters to the Past
So I've acknowledged that my mental instability was evident prior to No'C relinquishing our intimacy, and it was evident after the fact, and likely will be evident for ages to come. The Shadow is a part of me and while No'C's departure fuelled it to great extents, he is not the cause of it...
...therefore his return, contrary to my expired thoughts, would not have saved me.
I am largely to blame for the personal detriment that he seemed to trigger. I was weak against The Shadow and my thoughts could have killed me more. I should've gotten help earlier, but it was hard to open up, hard to reveal weaknesses. It was hard, but I should've done it earlier.
When I think about it, I recognize that there are a lot of things I should've done. Additionally, there are things that I shouldn't have done, specifically thoughts that I should not have harboured in my already fragile mind. Upon delayed reflections, one of those "should not" thoughts inspired me to write this entry. There's something I came to realize today, something I wish I realized months ago, something I am going to tell my past right now in this entry.
"How can someone who knows me so well still choose to not love me?" This was a thought that I must've repeated a thousand times in my head throughout my last plunder. No'C and I were together for under two years, but I think we devoted a lot more time to each other than humans in other relationboats. We didn't spend much time together in the flesh (but I believe that has been over-compensated for with how we did spend our time together in real life). We used to call each other everyday from when we'd get home to when we had to go to school the next day (From after that music trip to a month and a bit after our relationboat sank). Ironically, most of our bonding time took place outside of school when we were the furthest from each other.
Anyhow, the point is, we had a lot of opportunities to get to know each other. In fact, that was one of the reasons I fell in love with him (I shan't deny it--my past would be betrayed). At the very start of our relationboat, I was surprised (pleasantly, I might add) at how much he was willing to tell me. He told me about his past, in-depth. He told me about family and friends and loved ones.
And I loved his stories because it amazed me how someone can even have so many stories. I probably don't have enough stories to run out of fingers if I counted them on my hands.
In return, I would tell him things, too, because that's how a conversation works. I would tell him the things I do remember, like my hopes and dreams and fears. I told him a lot of things, I felt, because he told me a lot of things. I thought we knew each other pretty well.
Around the time we parted ways, he asked me, "Could you say that you know me?" and I replied to him, "No. I don't think I could ever truly know anyone." I then elaborated on the... the infinity of a person, the idea how no one can be concretely defined and how people are always changing, ever dynamic.
But then, despite giving him that answer, I let myself be haunted by the idea that "someone who knows me can still choose to not love me."
During the talk in which No'C relinquished our intimacy, he told me, "I don't love you, but I care about you." Well, for the record, that did hurt quite a bit. Those words rung in my head for who knows how long. "I don't love you" he said, and what could I do but believe him? After all, it was his honesty that attracted me to him in the first place. "But I care about you," he said, but I could easily disprove that since he made no effort to save me from falling into the depths of depression once again. Anything would've helped, anything at all. Those were desperate times, No'C. Anything at all would've helped, but you left me in the dark for months. Can you still say you care about me?
You see, little Lucia, I think a key flaw in your previous relationboat is that you and No'C had differing ideas of what love is. You came to know love as knowing and accepting all of someone, and since you believe you can never truly know all of someone (rendering love impossible), you compensated the definition as a willingness to get to know and accept all of someone. Your idea of love, little Lucia, just like my idea of love, requires for someone to know someone.
To this day, I don't know what No'C means by "I love you." I don't know if he's ever tried to define love, and if he has, I don't know how he has defined love. It's a mystery. It is now and ever was a mystery. Being the silly girl I am, I make countless assumptions a day. Life is easier when you don't constantly acknowledge what you don't know.
So, little Lucia, it appears you took for granted that No'C knew you, that he knows you. However, how can that be? Think back to that haunting thought, little me. "How can someone who knows me so well still choose to not love me?" Well, based on No'C words, you knew that he "stopped loving" you, but, little Lucia, you're asking a loaded question. The question, that haunting thought, comes with the assumption that No'C even knew you at all!
And did he? Does he? Who knows, but you definitely don't, little Lucia. You only ever assumed he knew you and if he knew you, perhaps he would love you still.
Isn't that the case with everyone, dear readers? I'm convinced that everyone is lovable if only you put in the effort to get to know them.
No'C stopped putting that effort in. Even you realized it from the start of senior year, little Lucia. Didn't it eat at you? Didn't his needless silences eat at you? The same way your obnoxiously crowding thoughts ate at you? Granted, your relationboat with No'C was not yet doomed at the beginning of the year.
Back then, he didn't know it would end and neither did you. I think, however, that The Shadow became apparent to the both of you. You had a lot of things to worry about and the breakdowns started way before No'C left. (By the way, little Lucia, he knew when you muted yourself.) Time and time again, I said I would get help, but how could I? I knew all of the counsellors at the school, knew them too well to seek counsel.
But, still, you really should have gotten help earlier, little me. I think I would've appreciated that. Anyhow, this entry is getting a little side-tracked.
*ahem*
"How can someone who knows me so well still choose to not love me?" Well, if this answer satisfies me now, perhaps it would satisfy you back then, little Lucia. Simple answer, really. He doesn't know you. But do you know who does know you? Who knows you best? Think about it, little Lucia. Maybe that person loves you.
Ending entries with lyrics has returned for good! I'm almost sure more non-Gaians read my journal that my fellow Gaians do, but ayyyyo, oh wells. Comment the song title and artist and a reward shall be sent your way.
And sweating like demons they scream through our speakers
But we leave the sound on 'cause silence is harder.
And no one's the killer and no one's the martyr
The world that has made us can no longer contain us
I actually really like the rhythm of this song. It's oddly catchy, despite the overwhelming amount of lyrics. Oh, and just like old times, if the night rests about your roof, I bid thee a good night! Have sweet dreams--maybe I'll meet you there. yum_puddi
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