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LAST UPDATED 18 December 2015 at 1:09AM

I wrote these questions around 1:40AM on December 7th (the night I had my worst breakdown to date), and I'll be answering them over the next few days. I have calmed down a lottle since last night. I hope to give coherent answers. Please read everything in my voice. Put in the proper pauses and exclamations. This is from me to you.

Why do I still love you?
ANSWER UNO: My idea of love is an everlasting affection. To admit that I love you is a submission to a forever with you. When I have told you that I love you, every time I tell you so, it is a forever entity. This doesn't mean that I feel obligated to love you because I have told you "I love you" in the past. It means that, even now, I... know and accept you and enjoy your company and wish to be with you, to be by your side, and to support you. That was the vow I implied by confessing. I don't want to take it back because 1) it still holds true and 2) taking it back would diminish the original integrity of my words. I'd like to be a (wo)man of my word, you know? If I don't have selflessness, at least I'll have some ounce of honesty! And so the question really boils down to why I love you in the first place. What a big question. I'll answer that later under "Why does it have to be you?" Hold on tight. This note won't be short... probably. (And how can it be? Even a summary of my emotions will be pages among pages.)

ANSWERO DOS: Well, let's rewind to why I claim to love you in the first place. The most obvious reason to me (as well as the most selfish reason) is the fact that you make me happy beyond compare. I mean, of course it's beyond compare literally because I have never let myself fall this deeply for anyone. With you being the first and only so far, of course there's very little in my life to compare you to... but that's not what I'm getting at. You are such a wonderful person. You have such a beautiful mind, such a pure heart, such kind intentions. You might not see it, but you truly are an ideal. Maybe I'm fond of you because of this perceived perfection, but then again, no one is perfect. You come pretty darn close, though. At least in my eyes. One of the things that really attracted me to you was your honesty. Remember way back then when we would play that question game? 21 questions? or maybe 20? Tbh, I don't know for sure the number. (._." wink But, anyhwey, you answered every question, regardless of how personal it was or how regrettable you viewed it. You shared your life with me. Those seemingly unfiltered conversations late at night were and still are so precious to me.


Why can I not accept our separation? Why am I so desperate?
Well, for one, I can't just make these feelings disappear. I can't just delete my (our) memories and no longer be affected by them. I can't unlove you, my most precious alien. My first hug, my first kiss, my first union, those were important to me. It was okay to give them to you because I was convinced you would stay. It was okay to give them to you because I wanted to be yours. The fact that you're... disowning me is very, in light words, depressing. I have given you things that can't be replaced. I have given you my love, my trust, my hopes and dreams and aspirations, I've given you my all. I never thought I would lose all that. Before, even after I gave them to you, I still had them because you professed yourself as mine ("forever yours, cootie-kun" wink so, in essence, because you were mine and I gave my all to you, I still had my all. You're leaving me, though. You're leaving me and now I feel as though I have nothing. It's weird, though, because I was not prepared for this. I've told you this before, but in previous fondnesses, I've always felt a temporariness to it. Whoever I liked would know that it would end. I guess I never let myself fall fully for anyone. I don't know if I was scared to, but I had no reason to. And, in all honesty, the faith of lasting with you did not come immediately. I was weary, as I used to always be. You told me to try. No, you asked me to try, to put in an effort! And I obeyed because, well, you made me happy back then and why wouldn't I want that happiness to last? I know I'm selfish, but you... *ahem* I've been trying to compensate my guilt of selfishness for my value as a flawed human. I chose to let myself fall for you. I chose to share my life with you. I chose you... pikachu. Did pikachu ever leave Ash? I get it. You're not a Pokemon. I'm not a trainer. This isn't an anime.


Why does it have to be you?
ANSWER ONE: Well, realistically, it doesn't have to be you. I don't think anyone in this world must be with a certain other someone. However, the way I am now, only you will do for me. I might change. I might change, but I don't want to. You know me, I think. Well, a lot of me. I trust you. You make me happy so easily. I don't want you to go because I have... these fears. I fear that I won't ever be that happy again. At the same time, I fear being that happy again with someone else, someone who isn't you. I've grown a dependency on you and for the past few days, I've been trying to "fix" that. I want you in my life. I want you to have an intimate role in the rest of my life. I... want you, baka. I know I'm selfish. I know that more often than not, and especially recently, I've been obsessed with you. You were a dream come true of a dream I never dared to dream. I was happy. Nowadays, I've been really fragile. The tastes of happiness I get nowadays are very weak, but I am teaching myself to cherish even the smallest nice things. The other day, someone complimented my cat pencil. Oh wait, that was yesterday (December 8th, 2015) Huh, it feels like a week ago. Yesterday was kinda tough. Yesterday started off with a sick Lucia who tried her hardest during Women's practice in the morning. When mass rolled around, I realized I could sing again and that was nice. That was when someone complimented my pencil. Blessing counted. Oh yes, now I remember. Jacky read the Vietnamese thing and then you looked at me in the friendliest manner and I felt really, really, really happy. Just one glance was enough to cheer me up. It didn't last, though. As the day progressed, I felt myself becoming worse and worse and even worser still. I broke a bit, just a little itty bit. "After Us" was nice. It was... interesting because it consoled me a lot at first, but it... I don't want to be convinced that "us" will never be again.

ANSWER TWO: We've been through... a lot. I'm tempted to say, "We've been through so much," but it's only been less than two years. You might think that's a long time, but I honestly don't view it the same way. It was a lot of time relatively speaking, but it is still so short. However, even though your special feelings for me lasted for only twenty-and-some months, a lot happened in that time. I developed a trust in you. It wasn't perfect trust, as I've come to realize. I didn't always tell you when I was depressed. I didn't always tell you when I was happier than I had ever been. There were things that I took for granted, like your affection, like time together, like happiness. It took time to reach a point where I could experience those things through another person. It took time to open up enough to someone like I opened up to you. It took time. Now, all that time is slowly being reduced to a mere memory, a fantasy of what could have been. I won't say that it was a waste of time because I know with the utmost certainty that you were the pinnacle of my joy. I don't want someone to replace you. I just want you.


Why did I mute in the past?
Because I didn't want you to hear me crying, of course. I didn't want you to know that I was crying. You weren't the cause of my tears, so I didn't want you to bear with my sobs. You weren't guilty. It didn't feel like I was hiding from you at the time. It just felt like... I don't know. Depression is weird like that. Sometimes, all I could be aware of that I was sad. Just being there on the other side of the call, even though I muted, even though you couldn't hear me, I was happy. I was crying because of myself, all the things I can't do, all the effort I wasted, I was always the root of my own sorrows. You only ever helped me and I wish I would've let you know that back then.


Why am I crying?
ANSWER ONE: Well, at this very moment, I'm not crying. I don't like writing when I'm crying because I tend to say temporary things, things that I'll believe for only that moment. Right now, I'm not crying, no, but I might not be thinking straight either because a little devil told me something I wish I never found out. It's a small thing, trivial really, but it involves you so naturally my mind blows it up in huge proportions. It reminded me of a reason that I would be crying for, though, so I figured I'd just... write what comes to mind. This is probably unwise. Don't trust the entirety of this answer for the question. I was never jealous until after November 19th. You never gave me a reason to be jealous because you had me convinced you would always be mine. I believed you, put all my faith into you, because you didn't give me any reason to think otherwise. Now, though, now that we're not together, now that you've... gotten a little farther, I feel like you'll replace me. At this very moment, it seems obvious that you won't return to me, and I have to admit that the feelings swirling around inside me are most unpleasant. But, I'm not crying at the moment and this block of text is to address why I would be crying, so... *exhales* Let me calm down. Jealousy is one of my reasons for crying. The thought of being replaced makes me want to cry. The idea that I can't be the one to make you happy makes me want to cry. The vision, nay, the nightmare of you leaving me for another "her" makes me want to cry. Being just another "her" to you makes me want to cry. All these selfish, selfish, selfish speculations make me want to cry. Sometimes, I convince myself that it's only in my mind, but are imagination and reality always so different? Who I am now is not who I want to be. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be mad at you. I don't want to want some control over you. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose you.

ANSWER DEUX: Why am I crying? Because I miss you. I miss being happy with you. I miss laughing with you and I miss being able to feel you, touch you. I miss talking to you because you can be really deep sometimes. I'm still yours, y'know? But, clearly, you are no longer mine. I'm waiting. "Thank you for waiting for me," I want to hear. "Thank you for lasting this long," tell me, please. "Thank you for having faith in me. Thank you for keeping your hope in me. Thank you for staying," please. Please tell me that this anticipation is not all for nought. I miss you.

ANSWER TROIS: I feel so unsettled. I'm currently sitting in the cafeteria for Cantabile. I recently awoke from a nap and for some reason, I feel incredibly weak, incredibly vulnerable. People have petted me today. I have no guards up. I don't feel like myself. I want you to hug me right about now, but that's won't happen. I don't know why I feel like this. I did feel like crying, but Christmas whales are interesting. Earlier today, while Janice and I were walking to the cafeteria, she said, "Are you okay? You don't seem okay." She gave me a hug and I didn't resist because I really wasn't okay and I didn't have the energy to reject human touch. I tried to play it off, tried to act silly like I think I used to, tried to pretend everything was fine. If I try hard enough, maybe I can convince even myself that I'm... fine. smile

ANSWER CAT: Oh noes. I feel not good. Not good at all. I can't have a breakdown here. Not here. Not here. Not among these people. Not with you in the same room. I don't want to break right now. I can't. I can't. I don't want to feeeeel like this. Ah, I dislike this feeling. No, I feel like a bad person. I feel like an evil soul, a corrupt human. I feel incompetent. But you sound so wonderful. She's better than me at this. Your voice, I don't recognize it anymore. I can't pick up your scent anymore. You're fading! Don't do that, don't go.

ANSWER LOST COUNT: My dearest. Why am I crying? Because you're leaving me. Because you're replacing me. Because I'm losing you. I can't afford to lose you. My dearest. Don't leave me, please, please. I want a hug. Please. I feel so weak. Please. Come back. Please. I don't want to feel like this. Why? Tell me why! Please. "The good Lord knows we all need a second chance." Why am I crying? Because I have no apparent chances. Because I can only see that I've been replaced. Because I'm alone, and lonely.