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LAST UPDATED 23 October 2015 at 1:48PM

Hiya, dearest! I was gonna send you a bunch of messages on facebook, but I figured you might not read them and they would essentially be lost with my effort wasted, so yeah! Making a note instead.

I worry a lot, not that you'll find someone new, better, but that you'll realize how flawed I am. I hope that you can look beyond my faults and not let them cause you doubt.

Sorry for being so quiet at dinner time. And prior to that when we were making our way to The Keg. I don't know if I'm a quiet person or if I'm in the wrong environment for conversation. However, regardless of why I don't say much, I'm not at all sad. Being near you, beside you, is enough for me to be happy for now. Sorry if it doesn't look like I'm enjoying myself. (._." wink But silence doesn't always mean I'm feeling bleh. I just wanted you to know that. c:

And by now, I think you've realized I don't have many friends. I mean, I know people and I can act friendly with them, but I don't have a network of humans who I can consider myself "close" to. I'm not like you. I don't go out a lot and I've not become an outgoing person socially. I feel like you want me to be more involved in tight relationships or something. To that, I don't know what to say. Of course, I feel like I should be sad because, aside from a handful of people, I don't have a group of friends to share stories and experiences with. I can't rely on there always being people who will back me up. A lot of cooperative activities are a hassle for me. I feel like I should be sorry for not having that popular influence, but really, truly, I'm not stressed about it. I wouldn't say I'm indifferent, but I just don't have it in me to explore, discover and form more human relations. Sorry if my supposed loneliness makes me, as a person, undesirable. I'm not terribly concerned with it, y'see? And I'm very used to and comfortable with this lifestyle. I want you to know and understand that, and I would hope that you can accept this seeming pathetic nature.

It's 3:36AM and I'm gonna nap a while now. I'll continue another time. Ilahu! Mmmmmmwah. *snuggles with cardigan because I brought it to Banff*

11:59AM
I practically died last night. My roommates love talking about people so I kinda just listened along. For the first time, I slept before my roommates. It was weird, but I think sleep was the only thing that could keep me from thinking too much.

I've been thinking too much. I keep thinking to much. I can't help it. Constantly--I'm constantly thinking too much.

About what? A lot of things. Recently, I've been thinking about us. I've been reflecting on myself as a component of our relationship... if that makes sense. Like, I'd like to say I'm fine with how I am. When I'm completely by myself, with no one to care for me, with no one to please, I'm... not... hm... bothered by myself.

But you, you're so out there. You can be so involved with people. And me, I'm the opposite. And I wouldn't mind, but I feel like... just... I need to improve myself. I feel like I need to expand my horizons, not for you or me independently, but I want to become someone who I feel like you can be proud of. And I'm not that person yet. I'm not good enough, and I'm so scared that you see that.

And you've been so far away.

There's a song that this girl named Dodie Clark wrote. The song's called "She" and it's about the time Dodie fell for a girl.

"And I'll be okay
admiring from afar
because even when she's next to me
we could not be more far apart"

[on the bus now]
Those words have been dissected and analyzed in the light of my life. Nowadays especially, I can't help but think I understand that distant without distance feeling.

I think I'm frustrated. I can't express myself to you as easily as I wish I could. Maybe I'm a wimp. Truth be told, it's easier to tell you things through notes than it is to tell you through a spoken conversation, but even like this, I've hidden things. You said we should talk in real life if possible, and I feel like that's the best option solely because it's intimate and--

Mrs. Hnatiuk just announced the winners of the cleanest room competition. Guess who won? :3 Three years in a row. Talk about unbeatable consistency.

Anyway--yes, face-to-face is how we should go about this. I should know that, but realistically thinking, sharing my concerns to you while I'm in front of you is scary. It's very, very scary, dearest.

I don't want you to see me crying.

I want to be tough for you. I want to be... not so fragile. I don't want you to witness me breaking. I don't know if you understand my fear. Maybe you'll say something along the lines of not wanting me to hide anything from you or something. Maybe you'll want to help me.

It's so frustrating. I want to be stable again. I want you to be able to help me, but I can't tell you how to. I don't even really know why I'm like this. I don't know if I don't know. I don't know if I'm scared of you.

I don't know how bad it's gotten.

Don't hate me because of this note, please.

Maybe I need to confide in more people, but it takes a lot of skill and effort to build that kind of trust in someone and I... suck. I'm socially incompetent, I've come to realize.

I don't want to be clingy. I think something really bad happened. I don't know when it happened, but I noticed earlier this year.

I'm certain I've grown dependent on you.

It's a bad thing because I'm relying on you too much for things that I should be able to do for myself. It's much too much responsibility for any one person. I don't want you to be the only thing that can save me.

But I'm not going anywhere good. I feel myself becoming worse and worse as the days pass. Less things make me happy. More things trigger bad memories. I'm so... ah, I need more words.

You know kills me? When our eyes meet, nothing else is happening, and it's quiet. It fills me with anxiety. I think, what is he thinking? Should I say something? Does he want to say something? Does he want to be elsewhere? What am I doing wrong?

Recently, you've sworn a bit around me. This is such a silly thing to mention in a note, but oh wells. I know you swear around your friends when I'm not there, and I'm fine with that because I can't know about it and "ignorance is bliss." I always thought you made an effort not to swear around me because it's a nice gesture. I don't like hearing swears so casually around me, and I thought you made an effort to respect that. But, ah, whatever happened to that? Do you think I'm fine with it? It's okay, I say. I don't mind, I say. Swears are intended for intense moments, and so maybe anger and pain are justifiable reasons, but... idk. Maybe I just need to get used to hearing it.

But that's the thing. I'm trying to change myself for the better, but the more I learn about me, the less happy I get.

I think if my life was made into a novel series, one of the major themes would be the struggle to be happy.

You know what's weird? I want a hug from you, one intended to console me, but I don't want to cry. Every time I think of hugging you to release this internal tension of mine, I can't help but think the rush of emotions is going to... hm... hurt.

I'm gonna reread for a bit and see if I dun' goofed on spelling or if I missed something.

Huh. I kinda contradicted myself. I wonder if I lied in the third paragraph or if I changed over time.

1:48PM
I might nap a while.