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So I went to Edmonton (the neighbouring city to the north) a little under two weeks ago. Prior to my trip, my parents bought me a laptop and I brought it along. On my journey home, I decided to type up an entry for this journal, but I ended up cutting it short and napping. It appears at this point in time, I have lost too many memories to continue the entry, but since a lot of thought went into its currently existing state, I'd still like to upload it. Well, here's what I have:

January 31, 2016
Let me just say that this entry is overdue.

Following my last entry, I entered into a vicious cycle of dreams and reality. I underwent substantial personal development and right now, I don't even consider myself the same person I was two months and a bit ago. Is that a good thing? I'd like to know, too.

So, where shall I start? Let me rewind to the end of November, all of December, and perhaps the first week of January. I wanted to pursue No'C. I believed that I was going to be the person to make him happy. I was ready since months ago to devote myself to him. He was my inspiration, my purpose in life. In my mind, our souls were already bound together. I was convinced that I had found my missing piece, my counterpart. I was ready to fight for that, to fight for what I believed completed me.

But, it was tough. At first, I had lingering hope. I had asked him if I should let it fade, to which he responded, "Don't let it fade." I realize now that he might not have known what I meant by "it" and that I may have clung onto those words for all the wrong reasons. What I meant when I asked him was whether or not I should essentially destroy my feelings for him or if I should nurture them as I had been doing for over a year prior to our separation.

Reader, are you familiar with the term "confirmation bias"? To my understanding, it basically refers to how a person only searches for evidence that supports their claim. That's what I was doing for over a month. I'd take every little interaction between No'C and me as a sign that we could work, that we would work. Every smile, every wave, every pat on the head, every single word exchanged, every glance, every single little thing, I'd catch it all and gather it all into a little amalgamation of hope.

I have realized that I am an incredibly hopeful being.

Some days were better than other days. Some days, I felt like I was getting somewhere with him again. Some days, I felt like if I could just keep it up, I'll win his heart again. I was excited to fight for something, win it, and then be able to cherish it all the more because it wasn't easy to obtain. I felt like I was going to do it without a doubt. Of course, I knew the possibility existed that all my effort would go in vain, that I'd in fact end up hurting myself more trying to a pursue an obviously futile quest, that it just wouldn't happen, but...

That's all it was: a possibility. Winning him, being with him again, having that happiness once more, all this was a possibility, too! Or at least, it was in my mind.

My mind was and still is very, very broken.

Along with these bursts of hope (I refer to them as dreams), I also suffered from depressive thoughts and constant breakdowns. At first, throughout November and December, I'd have a breakdown about once a week, and it typically happened over the weekend when I was alone. During these breakdowns, I'd have near to no hope in any ounce of my being. I'd contemplate giving up my pursuit. I'd try to convince myself that nothing was working, that I was wasting my time. I didn't like these thoughts (that I had when I was brought back to "reality" wink because I believed I loved him and my love isn't so weak as to give up so easily so soon.

To No'C,
I hope you're aware of the extent I would have gone for you. I hope you know how much I was willing to sacrifice for you. I hope you know that I had plans of supporting you for as long as I lived. I was working hard for you, working hard to solidify a stable future for a life together with you. I hope you know that I had faith in you, that you never even came close to a failure to me. You were always, always enough. I was happy. I was satisfied with you. I was convinced that I loved you. I was living for you, y'know? You meant so much to me. I was so fond of all of you. You were so beautiful, No'C. You were always so kind to me. I needed you and I thought you needed me. It's so... pitiful to throw that love away. A true waste.

I might have gotten a little carried away there. Where was I? Oh yes, my breakdowns.

December 7th, 2015 is the day I had my first major breakdown. I was in tears for hours. Even my physical body was in pain. It felt like I could've died from my depression. I felt as if there was nothing left for me anymore, that No'C was slipping too far. I've been keeping a written journal since No'C and I parted ways. On December 7th, I wrote in that journal until I couldn't feel my brain anymore.

But that was just the start of it. I started anticipating breakdowns. It's an odd sensation, to feel an impending breakdown to the point where I could consider it palpable. And I was scared of them, scared of losing myself like that, scared of being hurt again and again and again.

I'm still scared. Not a day passes that I'm not scared.

It came to the point where instead of searching for little signs of hope, I started seeing everything that wasn't happening. Oh, I'd think, today he didn't wave me goodbye. Oh, today he skipped this class and that class. Oh, today he went home early. I guess it would've been nice to know before pointlessly waiting outside the school for him, for the nth time.

There was one day where No'C and I interacted so little that I wanted to just...cry amidst a crowd of strangers. For those of you who know me, I always try to keep a strong front at school. Lucia is tough. She never cries. Lucia is strong. Lucia is wise. Lucia knows who to deal with life. But, on this one particular day, I couldn't uphold that appearance. I was going to lose it.

And then someone gave me a cookie. Someone, a girl, literally gave me a cookie. I don't remember what the cookie looked like nor what it tasted like, but it was a cookie and it was mine. The girl who gave it to me is a year below me. I don't know how to spell her name, but maybe it's Mikaela or something. No, that doesn't look right. I don't know. Well, however you spell it, that girl saved me. She essentially broke my breakdown. If she ever reads this, thank you. You saved me that day. I wish I knew how to spell your name.

My days were pretty repetitive until Christmas break started. I hadn't been excited for Christmas break because I knew No'C and I weren't going to meet.




And that's all I had down before I napped. Thank you for reading! Good night if night falls upon your roof. yum_puddi

Oh, and the lyric excerpt for today is:
Deep within your heart, you know it's plain to see
Like Adam was to Eve, you were made for me
They say the poisoned vine, breeds a finer wine