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Dear Will.
This a letter of venting. This is a letter of talking to myself. This is a letter to which I admit everything that I have felt. This is a letter to you and a letter to me. These are things that I have never actually admitted to myself or anyone else. And I know that you will probably never read this. Nobody will ever read this.
I think I love you. No like any love that you hear from others but actual love. Like the kind of that older people have. Like the love that Eric and Alex had. Something special that could not be easily forgotten. Something that could cause so much pain to me if it were to end. But do you actually feel the same way? When you say that you love me are you talking about that love or are you talking about silly love? This confuses me. And the fact that you are so "with me" it makes me think that you do. But I am your first. How do you know? How could you ever compare me to anything else? How could you know without even tempting something else.
I love how you try to protect me from what other people say about me. I have grown up with it all my life and it kinda bothers me at the fact that it bothers you so much. It is good that it bothers you in the sense that you care so much. And of course, you don't laugh along with it all. But I have always learned that I should just ignore these comments and you should too. They follow me like ghosts and I have excepted it.
I love how you like to be so close to me. We're always together and always attached it is a wonderful thing and our time together I wouldn't exchange for the world. But the summer is coming. And this saddens me. We won't see each other everyday. Will the summer change us. Could missing you make this stronger? 2 months is a long time, you know. A lot can happen over that. And it scares me, that amount of time apart. And we vow that we'll spend the time together but it could be incredibly hard.
I think it is wonderful at how much I miss you when you aren't around. I miss you in the evenings and on the weekends when we aren't together. Heck, I miss you when we are in different classes and don't get to see each other knowing that we are so close to one another. Missing someone like that scares me. I have never longed to be with someone like that before. I have always just shrugged it off, saying that I will see them soon. But with you I just can't do that. I get a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach and I can even cry over it. I try to hold it back because I know it is feeling that is getting the best of me. But it is incredibly hard for me to do.
When I am with you I get emotional. Things like these are hard to handle at a young age. When I am in your arms I want to cry and this really confuses me. Are they tears or joy? What causes these "spells" to come over me. Spending time with you is one of the most wonderful things ever. I need it. I could never imagine not being there with you.
The silence we share is one of the most outstanding moments I have ever felt. It is intrigueing how two people can spend an hour in silence together and have the best time ever. It was wonderful to do that and not have it feel awkward. We didn't have to speak, we didn't have to be looking at each other. We just had to know that we were there, holding onto one another. It was one of the best moments in my life.
We are a team and we are strong. We are 100% behind each other and we aren't pitiful. We don't expect to give up on each other when something small happens. We agree to disagree and listen to each other. We talk and share our feelings with each other and it is something I have always wanted. I can instantly trust you and that is nothing I have ever been able to do before.
People scare me. Now that Kelly admitted that she like you. Now that my friends think you look good it scares the hell out of me. I know none of my friends would ever do anything. But you aren't just mine. You are what Dylan says you are. Could the other girls really resent me that much? You are honest, sensitive and caring. You are supportive and speak your mind. You are gorgeous. Why wouldn't anyone want you? I really don't know the answer to that question. Could something ever happen where I am underminded and, well, you go away. You promise me that no one would ever come between us.
That look in your eyes. It shows how much you care about me. It is the best look. I love the way you look at me. You look at me as if I am the most important person. You make me feel special with the way that you look at me. It makes me feel like nothing else matters.
Losing you would kill me. I could never imagine seeing you everyday and knowing that you aren't mine anymore, let alone seeing you with someone else. It crushes my heart to even think about these things. So I think I'm just going to stop thinking about them now.
The future. No one knows what it holds. And even though we have spent time talking about it we really don't know how far we will go. Do you think we'd go to the actual point of getting married? Having a family? It is an interesting thought. But we really don't know what will happen right? So let's just keep our fingers crossed alright?
So that is my letter to you. It is long and you will probably never read it. But you know what? That is okay because it at least allowed me to admit things to myself. I am really surprised that I haven't started to cry but it's ok. I have decided to let my friends read this. I guess someone deserves to know how I feel. I dare not tell you. I really don't want to scare you. But that is it for now.
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