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So, when I lectured him, I used my ex as an example and how I felt.
Then as I went on, I realized a bunch of things. Just for the safety of our privacy though, I'm covering his name, even if most know who he is.

i loved ----, right?
He was like
my life.
he glorified everything.
every day was just, passing by so fast because of him.
I didn't even know that it has been two months.
But even when we talked about the future
or talked about our kids names
or where we'd lived
or who our roommates may be,
even I knew that we may break up one day.
That one of us will screw up.
I was insecure.
I wasn't like
so sure of his love.
Why?
Well, for some reasons that
i should probably point out;
one is that
he told me that he loved me because I knew the real him.
That sorta hurt me.
But i was happy.
but at the same time, not like, happy happy
Even you should know why.
This is the most saddest reason a guy can give a girl on why he loves her.
Actually, not the saddest, but for me, it pretty much is bad.
It's pathetic.
Why?
That just means that
you aren't as important.
he's afraid.
he doesn't want to show anyone himself.
because he hides
he doesn't even show you off.
he's not happy.
he's hiding.
which makes the relationship insecure
and it feels somewhat one sided.
that's where the feeling of
"I feel like i'm doing all the work"
comes from.
what i'm trying to say here is
no matter what promises you've made in a relationship
no matter what you've been through
no matter how long it lasts
if it ends once, and you try to renew it again,
the same pain will come back
over and over again.

i'm not sure if i'm correct here but i just noticed
how unhappy i was with that relationship. sure, i thought i was happy because i was the only one who knew.
but.... no. i wasn't.
I didn't like it. I loved him so much that
i couldn't stand it. i was so happy everyday
to the point where my friends practically freaked out about me being so happy all the time. he was just that important to me.
but noticing all this.
he probably didn't love me just as much, since i tried so hard
it feels like he didn't do anything.
i'm not bad mouthing or anything either
this is just actually
my true feelings about it.
i finally opened my eyes. it's finally settled.
it wasn't before, but now it is.