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I'm going to start this journal by reposting something I posted on myspace on April 30, 2009. My views on certain things have changed since then. At the time I was dating the father of my 2 younger children, Paul. Ricky is the father of my oldest daughter. This is how I was feeling about my situation back then.

I have no idea where I'm going to start with this. I've got so many things going through my head, and it feels like I need to deal with every single one of them before this baby is born. There are good things, bad things, sad things, and things I know nothing about. I'm trying to get over all the anger I have stored inside of me. Every time I feel like I'm over it, something comes up where I realize I'm not. I think I'm prepared for what is coming, but again, I'm not. I don't know what I want and don't want. I'm confused about what will make me happy, because what I think will make me happy just makes me miserable. And I feel like I can never get my point across to those who matter most. I'm always saying what I think will make people understand how I feel, but nobody does anything about it, and they keep doing the things that I have clearly expressed are what's hurting me in the first place.

The smallest things set me off. My mood swings are unbearable even to me. But I never know when they are going to happen, or what is going to cause it. Part of me wants to stay in my room all the time away from everybody, but that just makes me want to go crazy. I need to be around people that I love, and I need them to continue letting me know they love me, because I just feel like a nuisance. Songs set me off. Something being out of place sets me off. Knowing I forgot something sets me off. Mostly I get mad with myself. Other times I overreact to something someone else does. And I know I'm overreacting, but I also know how it makes me feel, and I know its just going to happen again unless I express everything I'm feeling. Sometimes that doesn't even help, and I'm left feeling hopeless, and I know I'm being annoying.

I'm going to start with Ricky. I'm still not over how he treated me, or how he acts. I'm sick of seeing him get away with so many things, and I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not the only one that knows he's fake. Lots of people make excuses for him, because he is so skilled at manipulating people. I'll admit, I was one of those people who used to make excuses for what he was doing. And you know why? Because I loved him, and I was so stupid to actually think he would change. Its petty for me to blame my problems I have on him now, but I honestly believe that some of the things that are wrong with me now are due to him. Sure, I could let them go. But for some reason I can't. When I think I have, I hear a song on the radio that reminds me of him, and the things he promised and didn't carry out. Its hard to forget how he would use my love for him against me, and how he got me to lie to my family by using my emotions against me. They tried to warn me how he was. And I made excuses for him, and told them that he wasn't how they thought he was. I told them that they were just seeing everything wrong. They just wanted to protect me, they didn't want to see me hurt. I wasn't willing to let anyone make my own decisions for me, yet thats exactly what I was letting him do. The worst part was, I knew that everything they were saying was right. I just thought that I could change their minds, so I could continue to be with him without them trying to break us up. I was so stupid. And I got pregnant.

I'm going to be completely honest when I say this. I've lied about it before so many times, and I don't even remember to who, but I want to set it straight. Tell the truth and shame the devil. I wanted to get pregnant. Ricky wanted me to get pregnant. And the reasons I wanted to get pregnant were all the wrong ones. I thought that getting pregnant would help Ricky change. Thats what he was telling me, anyways. I was looking for every way to save him, and I actually believed this would work. Its in my nature to not pass anyone by that needs help. While dating Ricky, I had to learn that the only person I can save is myself, and I still haven't figured out how to do that. He wanted to get me pregnant because he thought he would have me for good then. He could cheat on me, and I would come back. No matter what he would do to me, I would forgive him for the sake of the child. Little did he know that me getting pregnant would be what started my journey to seeing who he really was, and who he would always be. He started taking more pills. He started doing more drugs. Sure, he told everyone how happy he was that I was having his child, and how much he loved the both of us. But he still broke promises. He wasn't going to change for Rebecca. It was all an act, and I was being played. He wanted me to buy a house for us to stay in if I wouldn't move in with him. He could blame it on me for the child not seeing her father all the time. It was, in his eyes, my job to make sure we stayed together no matter what. I would have to give up my life and my family to start one with him, because he wasn't capable of getting a job or supplying a house. His mom also wanted me to move in to help pay the rent. I would lay awake at night and try to figure out how I was going to make everything work.

I started making excuses not to go see him, and he knew what I was doing. So again, he played on my emotions. He make everything I did seem so insignificant when it came to raising a child. I finally got a job at 7 1/2 months pregnant because he couldn't keep one. And the whole time I was working (at the mall) he would be there to make sure I was "all right". He was always getting in trouble and getting kicked out for being there, and I would get in trouble with my employer. He almost cost me the only job that either one of us would have until the baby was born. When I got paid, I would lie to him about how much I made. I always took out $100 or more to give to mom to hold for me, and every check I took out at least 10% to give to the church. I believe that when I give back to the Lord, he provides me with everything I need. And I was right. I never lost my job no matter what Ricky did, as long as I was giving back. I was able to save money, and each check got bigger, because I was the only stable employee. I worked over 50 hours a week, and even though I didn't get paid overtime, I was making almost $600-$700...a week. I got back into praying, counting my blessing, going to church when I wasn't working, and I was finally happy again. Ricky liked that I was going to church, even tried to get me to go to the one his grandparents go to. We went a few times. It all fell apart though, when he found out what I was doing with ALL of my money.

I thought that since he was getting into church too, I could tell him what I was doing, and he would approve. How wrong I was. He got mad at me. Why couldn't I use that money to move us into a house? Why couldn't I use that money to buy him food and cigarettes when he was getting himself kicked out of his own house just about every night? I was thrown back head-first into my depression, and the first week I didn't go to church and give what I'd been giving, I starting having bad contractions at work, so I was replaced by Alexis. I wasn't fired, but the last week or so that the store was open, she got most of the hours, and mine were cut drastically. Ricky pointed out that now I had more time to stay with him. Yay for me...

Stacie, who was pregnant at the same time I was (actually we were basically on the same schedule, she was just a week or two ahead of me), went into labor. I was having a hard time driving because my stomach pressed against the steering wheel. Ricky and I went with Sarah to the hospital to visit Stacie right after Audrey was born. I was still having a lot of contractions, but I wasn't ready for labor yet. After the visit I wanted to go home, and mom wanted me home, because I was due 3 days later. Ricky, however, had other plans. We didn't have the money to get food (which should never be denied to a pregnant woman), but he wanted to hang out the whole day, and every day after that, because he wanted to be with me when I went into labor. I told him I wanted to be home, so I could relax, but he told me I was being selfish. Of course he wasn't really allowed over at my house, because my parents knew how he was even though I denied it for him (he still got mad at ME for this because he said I wasn't convincing enough, or I wasn't trying hard enough). I honestly just wanted to get away from him and all the stress.

Feb. 4 I go into labor at 3:30 in the morning. I call Ricky, and he is waiting at the hospital and has me checked in already. After all the changing he didn't do, I thought I saw a change when Rebecca was born. At the hospital he was wonderful and selfless, for the first night. Then his "understanding" went away the second night. I could have let mom sleep at the hospital with me so he could go home, but he acted like he didn't want to. Then he threw in my face all night that he was tired and he couldn't help me get up to use the bathroom, he didn't have to get anything for me, I wasn't completely helpless. But I felt like it, because I needed the love and understanding more than anything, and while I could have gotten it from my mom, who understands what its like to have a child, I chose to let him stay so he could get used to being a father. He wasn't ready, and I cried while he slept.

When Becca came home I kept making excuses for why we couldn't go to his house to visit. I didn't want her near cigarette smoke, weed smoke, drinking, or anything else they were doing to celebrate. Long story short (haha) I didn't want her around him at all, and he proved to me later on that he couldn't be trusted not to smoke around her. He just wanted to leave her in a play pen in his mom's room so we could spent time by ourselves for a while. I knew that I didn't want to put her through the things he was going to put her through. I told him I wanted to take a break until I could figure out this "mother" role I had to play. In all actuality, I was distancing myself from him so that I could cut myself off from him completely. I didn't trust myself to do it with him around all the time.