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idk
i'm just
agh
everything is just
so slow all of a sudden.
spring break just started, and the week turned out so well.
But i noticed how when i'm happy,
some who usually have the good lives are plummeting.
is my existence just... based on luck?
or on other people's well being?
or on how they act?
why can't i just worry about myself sometimes?
why can't i just do something about it?
why am i such a ******** coward?
why do i have all these doubts?
why do i still go on?

i have a boyfriend. i love him.
i do.
but i keep feeling selfish with this relationship.
i feel like i'm doing all the work.
i feel like i'm just..
so stressed.
i know that i have things many others don't have.
i know i'm slow minded.
i know i'm not so ... smart or bright
i know i'm poor
i know i get criticized.

i can't believe i didn't kill myself yet.
i would start cutting myself again, but...

why can i just ******** stay focused on my religion, friends, and future?
why can't my mind work that way?
why the ******** can't i do anything right?
why the ******** can't i just
just
i don't ******** know.
i just
need to
hug someone
and cry
for like
hours and
scream.

i wish i wasn't such a depressing ******** emo.
and i didn't have that much of a bad life either.
maybe its just my personality...
maybe
its just me..