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I fight with myself because I feel like I betrayed my brother.

I have kept my phone off since I got his message. It was a plea for help and I turned my back. I CHOSE to not be the one there for him. I CHOSE to be the weaker friend and hide. How can I even call myself a friend if I cannot be there for him in such a great time of need?

I am so ashamed of myself.

How can I ever face him again? I love him so much but I could not be there for him. No, that isn't right. I WOULD NOT be there for him. He asked for my hand and I ran. I ran away. WHO DOES THAT?!

I am battling myself for these reasons and more.
My depression comes in fits.
When I don't come online, it's because of the demon inside.
It is because I just can't face anyone else.
It's because I'm at war and being torn makes me so vulnerable.

NO ONE CAN SEE ME THAT WAY EVER AGAIN.

I keep fantasizing. If I were in another time and circumstances were right, would we be lovers? Would our love be good or would we fail?

I think about Silleh and how we would have fun at a bakery and reading on couches, sprawled out near each other or over one another. I can see me walking the streets, feeling lost even while I'm with her. She would be that hungry person that ones the love so bad. She wants the beast I can be, not the timid one. She wants to be dominated. If she starts to struggle, she won't ever pull through. Always a sub but she would have more of a sex drive than me. I can see my teasing call her body insecurities into question.

I think about Fire as a possible lover but, that would never work. I just don't see her like that. So, instead I imagine us being best friends. I think about what life would have been like with her living nearby. We could have fights with popcorn and I would get annoyed with her music tastes after a while. She would be scared of my temper and mood swings. In the end though, we would be good friends. Any time we met up, would be fun. She would have different taste in clothes and game more than me but we would look up to each other. I would find her amazing and she would ( obviously ) envy things about me. We could totally cheer each other on but be those individual people who don't like our work seen. LOL. And perhaps ask for praise when we're done then go back and edit. Oh gods. The friendship powers.

Mmm~ and I think about my exes. Since I keep talking to Michael, I keep thinking if we met up if our kiss would be the same. I wonder if he would be pompous or full of himself. When he looked at me, he would feel that sudden insecurity that he doesn't feel with most girls. Lol. And this would make him frustrated. "Why do I think like this" he could tell himself but never know. He'd be driven to touch me even more and I would be the dom. I would kiss him and leaving him wanting more and more. Gods, eat me up in your love. Oh Michael.... hold me, kiss me, love me. In the end though, I know we're different.

And then there's Josh. He could come up to visit with less than gentlemanly intentions in mind. He would be the dom. Oh glorious Josh. For one night he would be my god. He could be my Achilles, my sweet Adonis. Oh Neptune. But in the morning, I would regret what I had done. I would think of how much of a scumbag he was and a jerk and a loser. Gods, Josh. But then he'd kiss me and win me over all over again. His touch. His lips. His nose fit right next to mine perfect. The madness would creep over me again as I got lost in him and I'd drive him away once more. I haven't changed.

Of course, off the topic of exes, there is the man that never was. What if I had taken that step with Stefan. What would I have learned? If things had worked a little differently, would I have been in the palm of his hands? If he had been more assertive and dom, would I have been willing? I can see him as a man as much as I want but in the end, he was a nerd. Nerds are gentlemen. He was insecure and totally unaware of how I was feeling or what I was doing. I could play games with him until I wore his heart down to the core if I had wanted. But I'm not a total b***h.

And this is all just fantasy.