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Who or what am I waiting on?!

There are days when I want to scream in an annoyed tone.
For some reason, I feel like I simply don't belong.
The only place I can find sanctuary is at the barn.
Yet, it's getting to the point where even, there,
I can't find any solitude for my thoughts.

I don't understand these feelings I have.
Why do I want to get into my car to drive away?
Then the feeling that I should stay?
I would go, if not for the bad since of direction I have.

If not for my responsibly to my family, job, and other odd things,
I would leave in a heartbeat..
Yet, again, I am forced to stay and wait.
What am I waiting on? Why do I feel this need?

What am I looking for? Or rather, what am I waiting on?
I thought after I stopped talking to Josh the feeling of dread,
The feeling that I need to leave would go away?
Yet, again, the feeling has gotten worse.

I try to bury the feelings deep down, but again, it has a way,
Of getting back to me. I try to ignore it but, again,
It's nearly impossible.

What am I suppose to wait on?
Is it a thing? Or is it a person?
If so why? I don't remember.
Frankly, this is annoying the ******** tar out of me.

The feeling that I am being watched is getting to me.
Am I going crazy? Is it the first sighs of schizophrenia?
Or is it just me who went crazy long ago?

Again, as I look to the tree line, see the horses grazing,
I can't help but feel as if someone is watching me from the distance.
Me? Why me there is nothing special about me.
I am just one lone girl in this world who is just trying,
Anyway possible to find her own path.

Then what is this feeling in the pit of my stomach!
Why won't it go away!
It's not like I have the dam finances in order
To go on a long car trip!
The gas along will eat my money up!
Let's not get into the price of food!

All I can do is give a sigh as I shake my head.
For some reason I feel near tears.
Again, where did this come from?
I decided I need to listen to a different song.
Clien Dion, no, I must change.
Everences, no, I must change.
Kaite Perry's ET isn't even working.

For some reason the lyrics bring up boiled emotions in me.
I don't understand these emotions. Where did they come from?
What is wrong with me?

I try to find the answer to that question..
Only to realize, there is no answer, at least, what
I can find at the moment.

So, with a deep breath, a sigh, I get back to work in
The heat as I try to finish up the barn..
My sanctuary has now been spoiled with the uneasy feelings
That I feel.

Is there any other way to get back the Sanctuary that is mine?
Will I ever find what I am looking for?
Or am I doomed to this life of of not understanding?
Again, as I search for the answers, I can't find them.

I thought by now these feelings would leave.
I thought these visions would leave.
I thought i would be normal...
Or as normal as I can get.

The only thought in my mind is that
I will never be normal.
What defines Normal?
Does that even matter?

I know I am waiting but what am I waiting on?
The sad truth of the matter I don't know.
Or is it I don't remember?
The thought scares me to my core
As I try to fight back the tears once again.

Somehow, and some way, I must let go of this stress.
Yet, I have no clue as to how I will do that!
I want to know!
NO I NEED TO KNOW!

Who or what am I waiting on?!