one of these days I think I'm gonna end up falling down the stairs in the morning instead of walking down.
a rather peaceful Friday today. Feels like a Saturday.
planning to go help g-ma with gardening this afternoon, pick up a pair of shorts for royalty, then have to help sell beverages tonight at the fundraiser band thing tonight from 8-11:30.
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that was fast. g-ma didn't really want me to touch her plants, even though it looks SUPER overgrown. -.-
so I took a few of her plants, ran to get my shorts (which I really like, despite being super short for me (I just wear capris, because f-ing cellulite goes all the way down to my knees last time I checked e.e)), and thank goodness for small towns.
dialogue with a sales clerk when I had to bring in a broken screen: "Hi! I'm the daughter of ______ and ______ _____________, aaaaaaaaaand this is broken."
then she took it, smiled, and said it'd be done in a week. xD
going on an impromptu trip to the Cities with Shioko and crew this weekend! should be fun. :]
have to wait a few more days to ride my bike. the tire pressure is insanely low (the tire says to have it up to 65 psi, and it was less than 10 when I checked it), and with a broken air pump, there's not a whole lot I can do about it. :/ So when I go in to get that exchanged, I'll also buy a new pair of pedals (the reviews say they don't last more than a mile, so I'm just going to plan ahead), then put those on at the same time I put on the seat of my old bike (=pricey but super comfortable and worth switching to a new one).
figure it will just be a starter bike. if I get more serious, I can always save up for a legit one (=upwards of $400 or $500...).
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blargh. bad mood now. concert thing was okay-ish; people get rather photo-happy at events like this, and I AM NOT PHOTOGENIC.
and with the other girls tucking their shirts into their shorts (which looked decent on everyone except me), it just made it a gazillion times worse.
obvious reaction of the public: "... she needs to lose some weight, what a fatass..."
and with SO MANY PICTURES BEING TAGGED OF ME ON FACEBOOK IN SAID STATE OF REPULSIVENESS, I am more than a little ticked off. At what, I don't know, which is most of the problem.
Because it should be all my fault. But I'm trying my best to get rid of it. It doesn't help that I'm insulin-resistant (so I can't process food the way it's supposed to be), and the fat around my thighs just REFUSES to go away. Seriously, I can eat a candy bar and gain two pounds and two inches around my thighs, yet work for hours and hours to burn it and NOTHING HAPPENS.
ALSO! College. I have always been embarrassed by mine, and now I know I'll have to look forward to more of it. First off, tonight Johnny was the ONLY ONE who knew where it was. Second, and more importantly, there was some sort of magazine-type thing about what the college's up to... and it described one of the bookend classes we have to take that will supposedly teach us about Christianity in the real world.
oh no.
I AM STUCK IN IOWA WITH A BUNCH OF PRICKS FROM PRIVATE SCHOOLS ACROSS THE NATION WHO HAVEN'T DONE s**t FOR THEMSELVES AND KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE REAL WORLD OR HOW TO HAVE THEIR OWN OPINIONS ABOUT THINGS.
THEY DON'T KNOW REAL LIFE, PEOPLE. I HAVE TO LIVE WITH PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE PROPERLY, LIKE THEY'RE UNDER SOME GODDAMN BOULDER.
AND??? I personally believe there is no one "Christian way" to do much of anything. You have to do everything with your heart in the right place. Yes, there is controversy, and no, I don't want to deal with it. I've heard so many different angles on religion (or lack thereof) and actually stopped to THINK about them that I've pretty much made up my mind on most matters. I'm always open to new ideas, but I want those ideas to be GENUINE, not some damn boxed answer that says exactly what we should (as "reformed christians" wink believe, without giving any reasons.
and the sad thing is, most kids at this college have grown up with the boxed ideas, never having to think for themselves. they don't know what real life is like. They don't know what it's like to be best friends with atheists, and have your heart break because you know their life could be turned around, but they look so happy as they are and you hate to shove theology at them that you yourself hardly understand. They don't know what it's like to live in secular society, where mexicans and somalians and loonies are so common you just get used to them.
They don't know what it's like to watch everything your parents worked for just... disappear. It's always bothered me that my parents never put anything in the offering plate at church, and one day a few years ago I asked them about it.
dad's answer: "What's 10% of nothing?"
you can see why I LOVE seeing public school kids like myself there. I take pride in my past, for the most part (minus school s**t haha). I know that I don't know everything, but it always feels like I'm the most worldly person in groups. I watch the news every morning to see what the world is up to (most students couldn't be paid to watch it because they don't give a crap), I've traveled around the country enough and interacted with so many different people in so many different situations that I know what the rest of the world holds. People aren't all stereotypically dutch, where EVERYONE is expected to go to church every week, and everyone gets along all the time and is unaware of the world's problems.
... why do I still go to this school if I hate it so much?
1. financial aid is AMAZING. at least it was last year...
2. I have friends here already that i love, and the campus personality is such that it's easy to make new friends.
3. I have everything already figured out and am over halfway done; what's the point of transferring now? the suffering (=pointless Core classes that everyone has to take and shoves close-minded theology down your throat that has nothing to do with your degree) is almost over... only have 2 more of them, I believe. BOTH of which I could avoid if I had gone to a public school, damnit.
in fact, I could've probably skipped even another semester if I had gone public-school way because I wouldn't have to take all of these theology classes.
I'm not saying they're bad, of course: I've learned tons about what the reformed tradition believes, and I'm more advanced in my classmates in that I can take the information presented to us and process it myself. I am able to say, "Yes, I believe that is correct, BUT what about....." and "I see where you are coming from, but I have to disagree with you because....."
I'm not going to give specific examples, however, because I don't particularly feel like explaining too in-depth on touchy issues like that when I'm on an angered tirade.
haha. somehow that's hypocritical.
okay, now I'm starting to calm down........ but yeah. I'm embarrassed by my school.
but alas, it's all in how you react. I've probably had this same type of entry at least 10 times, so you know what I'm going to say. sometimes we're not in charge of where we end up, but it's all we can do to make the best of it. Which means me not mentioning a word of this to anyone (hey journal readers! congrats you've made it this far! you're the only ones who are ever going to hear about my real thoughts on college. ^^ feel special?)
I still reserve the right to a tirade once in a while, though, just because I'm human. razz
all the triggers were hit (irritation with royalty stuff, my weight, my college and my current employment/monetary situation), meaning this is the longest entry in quite a while.
totes side note: I had two strange dreams last night. The one right before I woke up had me convinced that I was somehow working my cleaning job again this month and that I had already missed two days I was scheduled because I forgot I was working there again. It took me a good hour to convince myself that it wasn't true...
the second is now a bit tricky to remember, but there were definitely two moments.
and a guy I've never ever seen before, but he just blew me away. He had sandy strawberry blonde hair, with a beard that was a little more than stubble but not by much, and was in his early 20's. his face... he had the most handsome face I've ever seen. I think the part of my brain that just sits back and watches the subconscious at work even went "... WOW." and started doing flips once my dream-self looked at him.
There was something about a library, and we were reading together or something (which may have something to do with me inhaling the harry potter books for the third time haha), then the next time it was someplace underground or something and he put his arm around my shoulder. (after that was the schedule thing haha)
all of which harkens back to other random schtuff, so the only part of it that really surprises me was the guy. it's hard to forget that blown-away feeling, even if I was unconscious and the subconscious was hard at play. sadly, I don't really remember much of the exact details of his face anymore... (I remember wondering in the dream what color his hair could be described as and after I woke up I finally came to the conclusion I did)
goodness.
I wish I wasn't me. I wish I was thin and pretty and wasn't so anti-social and just plain against society and thinking self-righteously in my weird manner.
I wish I wasn't upset in the first place, either, because I have to be up in less than 5 hours to go to the Cities. it'll be a nice escape, though, from all of these thoughts of mine, so I'm looking forward to it. ^^
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