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Before I went to bed I had an upsettting chat with Dakuo where I realized that very little time had passed. The five months that had passed were like two years in my mind. To explain the depth of shock is very difficult. Whenever I tried to remember the last year, I had different memories, memories that were made up. Basically, I MADE UP A YEAR IN MY MIND! That's sick. SICK SICK SICK. I'm so detached that I cannot even measure time or evaluate my life with clarity. SICK.

SO anyway, the bad dream. There were two but the first wasn't so bad. It had to do with monsters or something nesting around and in our house. Something like that but I woke up and felt sick still since I went to bed at 4 am then woke at 10 am. I had eaten extra before going to bed to fill the sadness from the realization above.

ANYWAY the dream was that I worked at a tattoo place that was also a brothel. I knew this. I expected this. Most of the dream was just hanging out and watching the other girls flirt with clients. I got to hangout with a few of them but I never got a single customer. I was a new girl too. You see, in most brothels when there are new girls they are very popular. People recognize they are new and want to break them in or they want a change since they visit often. In my case however, no one wanted me. I didn't know what was wrong. I had lied to get in there, saying that I had lost my virginity in camp which was apparently a very common story. So, I was a virgin working in a brothel and I thought that was the problem, that they could sense that I was a virgin. I was inexperienced so no one wanted me. Before going to bed I had been thinking a lot about dressing sexy for the pillow fight tonight or cheering Dakuo up by giving him a little show or something, my promiscuity on the high because of the depression and all. In the dream the manager noticed that I wasn't getting any and spoke up about strange it was too. He said that I should wear a new lipstick color, I'm not sure what color it was but it wasn't something easy to remember such a rogue. It hurt, to not be wanted. I makes me deeply upset that this could ever happen. That I could be unwanted because I am inexperienced in the ways of sex. It just, makes me so upset because I want to experience it but I'm not gonna whore myself out to get it. I may be promiscuous or a tease but, I'm not a ******** whore.