|
What's wrong with my body? |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Just when I thought I was going to be better, I start getting my stupid symptoms again. I thought I was getting anxiety before, but then my mom and her friend just told me to stop taking my pills, because maybe they were the cause. I stopped taking them, and I felt better. But then, after a while I feel like my mind is getting out of control. Those same symptoms occurred on Sunday, but they stopped. However, but hands are still shaking and my mind's a total mess.
I was crying for..hour and a half last night? Was not pretty..couldn't sleep until 1am. I can't stop thinking about everything that's wrong in my life, and it seems I can't accept that, I can't accept the changes that are happening in my life right now or the ones that are going to happen in the future. I just can't. Maybe this is anxiety, or maybe some other psychological disease..who the hell knows. I just know, that its really bothersome. Not to me, but to others its really bothersome. I'm an introvert, so I don't like to talk about my problems because I feel so bothersome to anyone I would try to talk to. And its hard too, because I can say everything thats wrong in my head, but when I talk to someone, I either don't know where to start or after a few seconds I feel like crying already. Well..that's only happened with my mom. Technically she's forcing me to talk with her constant nagging. I can't just not talk. And I can't lie either. Plus, I'd feel like a total hypocrite since I get annoyed if someone keeps blurting out their problems. Sure, once in a while is fine but all the time and its a nuisance. I'd be a total nuisance if I talk about my problems, cause I've a s**t ton to say. So..maybe writing in my journal would help again. I don't know who else to turn to, I tried to look for sympathy from a friend already, but that didn't seem to work out, unless I'm being paranoid that they're avoiding replying to me. Stupid me, shouldn't have done that.
I just..feel so freaking horrible. Like, a horrible person. I cried..but because of everything. When I'm alone, I can just think of all the reasons to hate myself or why other people should hate me. It just sucks to suffer. If I kill myself, I'm selfish because, somehow, there WILL be people who cry after me and I know it. Even though I know that, I still feel as though the world is against me. Another reason I hate myself. I'm so dissatisfied with what I have. I should be happy, but I'm not. I have at least one friend, more than one friend, and I have both parents who love me. What's another reason..oh. I feel like I'm using my friends. What I said before..about when I'm alone and have these thoughts..I turn to my friends to make me forget about these thoughts. I don't tell them that of course, and I try to do what I can to help them and I try not to show how I really feel. I tried to be open more, it got better, but now its just bad again.
I remember, I felt miserable in middle school, and everyone noticed that. They hate me for it, even yelled at me for it. Then I come to high school, I still felt miserable. But then..I had my best friend in one of my classes. Then second half of the school year, I made more friends and I felt like my classes were beginning to accept me. Sophomore year..so much better. I had at least one friend in every class except for one, but the students and teacher were really nice and cool, I still enjoyed that class. I even got closer to Maya and Jun. It was so much fun, being in class with them. So many good memories I made this year. Its just a shame..its all changing. The one year I finally feel happy and the world is on my side, all of a sudden it begins to deteriorate. The first change..I found out Maya was moving. It's so heartbreaking..she like, helped me survive French. It wouldn't be enjoyable at all without her being there with me. And then Jia would accompany me at lunch occasionally, which was nice. She even helped me greatly with math, which I'm so grateful for. Then Jun made Gym, English, and Bio so much enjoyable too. I'm just so thankful that I was at least happy for one and a half years, rather than none. And now that everything seems to be changing, I don't know if I'll ever be happy like that again. I know its not like Maya's dying, but she still is going to be 30 minutes away and not in school with me. Jia..she works hard at school so I don't know when she will have time with me. Jun..I don't even know what to say. I thought I should give him all the credit for how happy I was. And I am, but now he's changed too. He was so nice, but now he's..so cold to me. I never thought someone would like me like he did, and yet I pushed him away, but then I thought I liked him to. So when we asked each other out, I thought we could make each other really happy until high school is over. I remember, he was so clingy and it was obvious he liked me. Now, he's just a different person. Doesn't feel like he loves me anymore. He said he wouldn't graduate early anymore for me before school started and that he would change his schedule so he could be with me. I don't think he gives a s**t for me anymore. They're both going to graduate. So senior year, I'll be most miserable, because I'll be more lonely than ever. Its not fair..I always feared losing the ones I love, and now I will be losing more of the ones I love. I keep thinking I will never move on and never make new friends because of the kind of horrible person I am. It just sucks.
And look..another reason to hate myself. It looks like I just might feel sorry for myself.
I'm pathetic as ********.
Maybe the world will end, so then I'll die, but so will everyone else so it won't be as selfish anymore. Or maybe someone will shoot me, or I'll get a disease that makes me die.
I hate suffering.
Sometimes,
I just want to die.
 Anisan0 · Thu Aug 25, 2011 @ 01:26am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
