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DREAD
is the singular word to describe my state of mind right now. It's not fear of tomorrow or fear of the future but an ominous or unwanting towards tomorrow. I've been listening to No Doubt for some time so I know it's not the music that has made this change in me, though I do have this odd feeling I will have a fancy dream because of the music. It's not because of social or academic concerns either because nothing has happened in either of those areas. Sure, stress has been high between all of us and finals are closing in but I'm actually doing well in most of my classes. I still have a cloud of my head about Dev but that's been there for some time and wouldn't cause this sensation towards tomorrow of all days.

I always fret before a session. I know he'll want to know about the texting and my little crush that I had. I don't want to talk about it and I know he'll look at me weird for that. He'll try to push and I'll shout. I don't want to think about what else we would talk about. In the depths of my mind I really hate him. I feel like he's constantly judging me and thinking how spoiled I am or how I am too young to really have problems or that my "conditions" or "diagnosis" of myself are all huge misunderstandings on his account. Other times I feel like he blows things up too much. In general, he misunderstands a lot. The really simple things he doesn't understand and the complex things he usually doesn't ask enough. I refuse to go through all this again and I know I'm only building up walls so don't suggest I get a different person. He's decent. I hate most things I need. I lost interest easily. I attack whatever starts to work or change.

And perhaps it is that notion that is fueling the dread in my bones. Or I'm completely wrong and it's only heartache?

I refuse to think about her right now. I will mend things in time. I still need to convince myself of a few truths before I confront her but when I do finally message her or get a hold of her on the phone, I think I'll tell her that I want to work through the sister issue before I talk to her more often. I want to let her know that I'm working on it. I want her to know that I don't want to give up on us. I want her friendship. Proof that I constantly think about her, or at least more than I do TJ, is that this last November when I was creating characters for self expression... November wears the scarf that I gave to her. and October's past in influenced by her. She inspires me and I should tell her more kind things but plain and simple, I don't.

Running away from the people that have hurt me also means running away from who I was. I liked that me, with a few adjustments of course. I'm not sure that I'm used to the new me yet. We've developed into a person who bottles things up and takes the apathetic route rather than involve herself with the lives of other people. I still make friends but, it's not all that hard when it's through a computer screen. You can control what to say and who to present.