So it seems that my life has decided to implode on itself. To some extent. Like a half rotted out pumpkin: rotting inside out, only slightly deflated yet still resembling a pumpkin. For the past few months my boyfriend of over a year and a half has been suicidal. He came home after going to the mental hospital for almost jumping out of his 6th floor dorm. He was put on 2 anti depressants and later Lithium, which is a mood stabilizer. For the whole month of December things could not have been better. My boyfriend was home for a month and there was winter break. As December came to a close and the new year began, my boyfriend had to go back to school and so did I. He was happy. He was with his roommates, he was with his friends, he was playing games with his floor, he was going to interesting classes. He was happy. And he was not. After 2 days back at school his father went to pick him up and he came home, for good this time.
So my boyfriend is now dropped out of college and was kind of looking for a place to start.
He began writing music more often throughout the month of January and was recording it frequently onto his computer. We were happy. We were able to see eachother almost every day though he had group therapy sessions from 4:30 to 7 o'clock.
Near the end of January my boyfriend began to get extremely depressed again. He practically refused to talk to me about anything. When he was upset he would just mumble and bury his face in my hair and hug me. As my friend said, "It's difficult to get your boyfriend to have a conversation once they have decided you make a better pillow than someone to talk to." This at first was cute. Then it began getting frustrating. I was finding out things that had happened to my boyfriend through his parents. Like him almost overdosing on tylonal, or him moping around the house or him refusing to do things with his siblings or him refusing that the lyrics he wrote didn't reveal anything within him self that could have been going on.
I don't like having to find out this sort of information from his parents. It is as if I am talking behind his back with school girl gossip.
All of this on and off depression soon took shape into some hideous unfamiliar creature I hope I never have to see again. This creature was my boyfriend. Someone that I lean on, someone I depend on, someone I look forward to seeing, someone I love. And I was scared of it. I didn't know what to do. I still am not quite sure of what to do.
My boyfriend overdosed on his medication on February 8th. A day that seems so far ago yet is all to near. I have always made wishes on fallen eyelashes, shooting stars, and dandillions. Now that my boyfriend and I have been together so long I have gotten him into doing the same thing. Making wishes. He said that he always made the same wish and at 10:08 he texted me saying his wish was finally going to come true. He said that he wished we would be together until he died. In the middle of my 3rd period I checked my phone to see this and almost ran to the bathroom to call him, to beg him, to reason with him. He had already done it, he had taken his medication and was ready to die. I begged him to get help. I tried to reason with him that he needed it all to no avail. I then said my final goodbye and my final I love you. I called his mom and when she didn't answer I called his dad then waited out the rest of the day hoping I didn't call for help too late and that those were not my final farewells. I called his father later during lunch told me he rushed home to find a suicide note with a CD of his music. he and my boyfriends mom gathered avalible people and police to seach for him. They had made it to the hospital and were in the waiting room and they had to wait and so did I. So I waited, I worried, I cried. I finally heard word that he had taken many laxitives and they were almost all flushed out of his system except the lithium but he was asleep and doing okay. The next day his younger brother who is my age and in my 4th period came up to me to tell me he was on dialysis to get the lithium levels down. The next day he had gotten off of dialysis and by the 3rd day was back in the psych ward, back to normal, back to living his life. Kind of.. At least for the last part.
So he called me and told me that he was sorry and that if I wanted to break up or take a break, whichever one it was, he would understand. But when someone is at their lowest low only the people around him can really help to bring them up and being one of more significant people in his lives, to just drop his hand and walk away would unbearable. he asked me if I could visit, and I did. I saw him almost all of the week after he had overdosed. His parents told me that they were looking to send him off. And send him off they did. He's in Texas now trying to solve his problems and will probably be there for 6 to 8 weeks. He left 4 days ago and all of the emotion that I had not been feeling, all that I had been supressing and not letting myself feel has come back and has hit hard. It is hard to function, to concentrate, to even pretend to be happy. i should see my therapist and i did last week, or two weeks ago and will see her again in the middle of March. I have been waiting to write all of this up and finally have, though I would prefer it in my personal journal and not one on the interwebs but it is a journal and I am releasing my feelings so it serves the same general purpose.
AkikoMomo Community Member 
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