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I like to say that today I cancelled a night study session just to talk to you. Closed my apps online just to text to you. Ready to just talk to you & to make everything better than it was yesterday.

Yet, you haven't send in our daily gaia messeges for weeks now.

I know you are playing your games tonight or if you were doing something important, you could have told me immediately. I hate trying to keep in contact with you when you don't really seem to know what I do for you.I can't stop thinking its always yahoo's fault for failing. Today you made an error on your text that showed me that you are lying to me.

Stop hurting me. & be honest to me. If you want to play your games then go. At least that makes me feel better than wondering you lying. I can't go to sleep every night in pain. It sucks that honestly I am more worried of you over there, I feel then you wondering what I do here.

If you don't want to talk to me then I understand. I'll stop talking to you on gaia messeges and on texts. & If you dont want to talk to me for awhile then I'll try to understand. Maybe you just can't stand talking to me. W/e it is just honestly tell me instead of me trying to figure things out. I hate it & it hurts.

I honestly dont do this to you. I just don't skid away or don't reply for awhile while you wait. It sucks. This position that I am in. I don't do things in place of you. When its you, its for you.

I am honestly hurt tonight as well and my intuition says that you aren't truthfull about something.

Well. Stop shutting my hopes down. My feelings for you & all.

I hate trying. I tried so hard Dennis. I keep sacrificing for something you don't see.
Its a tough environment over here. Very competitive, difficult, and malacious in its own way. But each day I wake up in my tired body & is willing to get whatever I need to do, to be finished. I'm doing this for both of us. You are in my mind for this college journey & to have you diss me like today was awlfully wrong & you know well of it. I can't even get a decent convo w/you today.

You seem like a different person when Im away. Your sweet words that you say is all washed away by the actions. I can't have you be 2 completely different person, but Im only dating one of you. Which one am I dating? Idk, for now. I thought I knew you but I wasn't sure.

Lastly, I don't deserve to be hurt by you like this. My life is already hard as it is & I guess I am too nice to you & just keep forgiving. Im not a punchbag where you can say whatever & expect me to heal.

Seriously, I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment. I have poor thinking skills. Yet, I know already what I want in my head.

Everytime you keep hurting me the feelings piled up like PTSD. I can remember every thing you did to me. & how I forgive you & all of the events comes rushing back to me without my control.

I hope I don't send this letter 1/6/11 10:46pm