I never realized how I felt about him back then.
Maybe it was my extreme comfortableness I felt around him or the fact that I had known him most of my life. We did everything together. We gave each other rides when our cars broke down. We took road trips together, we cooked dinner together, fell asleep on the phone....and so on. When I needed a place to hide out, he would let me stay over as many nights as I needed. I would cook and clean for him and his roommates. A great group of guys I'd like to add! The most wonderful thing about our relationship was he never once tried to hook-up with me. We kissed, but that was simply it. He respected me, that's more than I can say for most guys I've known.
Our friendship was a beautiful thing. Apparently, back then, everyone thought we would end up together...I had no idea. To me he was just my goofy pal, aside from his god-like looks of course. He was the most genuine person I knew.
I knew he had a crush on me. We did flirt here and there, he would compliment me a lot, and he cared about my well-being. Any thought that crossed my mind of advancing our relationship to a new level was quickly crushed by my fear of losing my amazing guy-friend. Having him there in my life was so important to me.
Eventually he started dating a new girl. He was a bit older than me and many girls liked him. I knew he still had feelings for me though. That's when I started to feel my feelings for him stronger than ever, but I kept my mouth shut. He had a new girlfriend. I liked her. She was nice, pretty, talented, smart, funny, and most importantly she loved him. I was happy for them. She even became my good friend. I pushed my feelings aside for a long time.
One day him and his girlfriend started having some issues. I had become pretty close with her at this time, so I knew both sides of their story. I tried to talk with him and encourage him to understand her more and not to be so angry. He then spilled all his feelings he had for me. My mouth dropped and for the first time in my life I was speechless. Ask anyone who knows me, I am NEVER short on words! When I finally was able to collect myself, I numbly spoke, and told him he needed to go to his girlfriend. She loved him after-all and he would always be my bestfriend. At that same time my heart was shouting at me to take him. To keep him for myself and to never look back.
Less than a year later they were married. Somewhere down the line she must have suspected his feelings for me, because she stopped being my friend and made him write me a detailed letter explaining how we couldn't be friends anymore. I don't think anything ever hurt me so bad. This letter hurt me more than my father passing away. You see, I never acted on my feelings for him and when he told me his I told him to go to her. I was being a good friend on both ends. I was being respectful. All I really wanted was friendship, from both of them. I just ended up lonely. I was so angry that I did the right thing and still ended up being hurt.
Now he still writes me short e-mails from time to time. When I see him he will tell me I look pretty and ask me how life is, as if nothing has changed. It really bothers me that he does this. He left our friendship behind, doing as his wife asked, and decided to take the good-husband road, so why not just stick to it?
I cringe whenever I meet his gaze, yet my heart beats faster all at the same time. I am no longer in-love with him, but I realize being together would have been the only way to keep him as a bestfriend. I have fallen in love with someone else since then. Someone I love more than anything else in the world, but that's another story.
All I ever wanted was my bestfriend. I guess you can't win them all. I've finally come to terms with it, but damn it.....would he stop looking at me like that? And would people stop telling me he has talked about leaving his wife and trying to be with me? And would my mind stop going back to the time I could have kept him for my own?
It's difficult. I love a good man now, but I think back to that moment so many years ago where I could have just had him. If I would have embraced our mutual love for each other that day, I know I would have avoided so much I've been through up to this point in my life. My life would have been beautifully simple. A good husband, nice big house, maybe some babies. I don't have regrets about whom I love now or how difficult things have been for me, but sometimes I just think...what if?
I know some of you are probably thinking, well stupid girl, avoid him, don't see him, don't talk to him! The only problem with that is, we live in the same area, have all the same friends, I'm friends with his whole family, we attend the same church, same weddings, same parties, and so on. I am not going to drop my whole social life to avoid him and his wife. It's just something I have to live with.
I take no credit for this post. Took it from Xanga since I liked it.
