October 2, 2010 Saturday 10:33 PM
Sennyo,
About an hour and ten ago Nucc left the house. Our tenth meeting, if I'm not mistaken.
It's been quite a while since I've last spoken to you, hasn't it, Sennyo?
During the last half hour that he was here, from about 8:52PM to past 9 I felt as if my heart was breaking. It pained me so much. I sat by him to his right, laying my head on his shoulder, my face facing the couch. It felt horrible. It felt awful. I know that he loves me, I really do, but how capable either of us are, especially myself, for the future worries me greatly.
Today we didn't do much. It was a dreary, rainy, and cold day. He arrived at around 2:10. We went up to my bedroom after a couple of minutes. Vevdr(?) pmufzup uh sah pid, yfdan ra fyc tuha vehkanehk sah yht E fyc bmyoehk fedr res. E ryd res myo tufh uh dra pad.
We went off to lunch at Blue Ash Chili. It was still cold and dreary. A female waiter asked us, "How are you ladies doing?" as she rounded the corner. She then profusely apologized for the mistake. Nucc told her that it "happens all the time", although later telling me that he can't remember the last time it had.
He told me there that it was found that his father had been cheating on Paige with a college-aged girl. How saddening it must be for Nucc…
We went to the Kenwood Mall till about 4:30PM. We walked around. Dreariness. We went into Hot Topic, Spencer’s, two shoe stores, sports store, and Starbucks where he purchased a pumpkin coffee and I a small cookie. We went home.
Watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer and then took a nap for a long while. He apologized for being so boring(was that the word?). I can’t blame him, I guess. He is going through a lot.
At my request, he gave me a hickie for the first time in a long while. Oh, god, how I wanted to cry on him…
Sennyo, I see now the difference between Nucc and _____. On our ninth meeting, two weeks ago on September 18th, I was crying because the mother person had found that I cut again. He didn’t wipe my tears. Perhaps he just didn’t know what to do. But… in texts, whenever I mentioned my tears, he would sometimes say how he wished he could wipe them away. _____ would have… wouldn’t you, _____? I miss you… I think.
I enjoyed seeing him today, I really did. I suppose that both of us are going through s**t, which makes us both rather exhausted. If it wasn’t so damn cold in the basement I could’ve slept much more peacefully next to his warmth. I’m going to miss him. It’ll be about three more weeks, as in two weeks he’ll be moving, and the Friday after I’ll be in Indiana anyway visiting IUPUI. He said he could wake up early or take the day off and work Saturday instead.
I’m going to miss him.
Sennyo, please… I don’t know what to do… I’m incapable of doing anything right. This feeling of my heart breaking… I don’t know what to do. I wish I could’ve cried without explaining anything to him. _____, I don’t want you back in my life. You too, Sennyo. I wish our parting could have been happier, and without regret. I can’t let go of you guys. I just can’t…
I love Nucc.
[End Log] 11:17PM
Poison Fairy Sennyo Community Member 
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