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Painful.... I don't know why...
Meeting with an old friend isn't too much of suppose to be pain is it..?
I don't know... It just... I don't know...
For some reason... when I read it.... My stomach began giving me a great pain....
It hurts.... My feelings are just hurting me...
I don't get it... Why is it doing this to me... Nowadays...

Now that I think about it... I mostly write when I am hurt or sad...
I guess I have a feeling of wanting to say my pain out to someone...
I don't want to directly tell it to who I'm saying about... because it will just hurt them...
I know that much it will....
But.... This is just so painful...
I don't know what to do anymore... I can't lock my feelings...
I can hold it to myself.. so they don't think I'm hurt sometimes...
But I can never keep it in... it hurts so much... It gives so much of a burden...
So much pain... I don't know how to deal with this... Oh please help me......

I don't understand.... What is pain.. what is jealousy.. what are feelings.. what is hurt... what is memories... what are thoughts.... what is sadness...
All I know very well is that.... sorrow.. and jealousy.. is just painful....
If I never felt these... then I know I am not normal... that I am not human...

What do I do.... it hurts... just to say... to be happy....
To say to have fun.. when I am hurt... It's hard... and painful...
Don't speak yet... I am very vulnerable... vulnerable by pain.......

My mind keeps wondering... are you going to leave me... are you going to do something to someone that I never give you......... are you just going to dump me off just because you have been given physical satisfaction...
These thoughts just kill me.... Kills my heart... Shatters it....
These dark thoughts are just trying to contaminate me... to fill me with darkness...

But it's painful.... It's so painful.......
I just feel helpless right now.... I feel like I am not needed... I feel as if I am not good enough...........

But then... I always say to have fun... just to give them happiness... Just to go get happy.... Even though it may hurt me.... I'm preparing myself... for the pain that would inflict me with the certain answer I would never want to hear....
But... I wish for their happiness... ^^

I can keep on smiling.... I'll smile for them... Don't doubt me... I can smile... especially if it hurts so much, and if it would hurt the other group... I will smile and never show I was in pain.... For I would have forgotten... but this is the only way... I'd remember I felt this way.....

I wish much happiness for you...
And truly.. I will be happy... That once you're happy, I will be happy...^^
And I will smile for you.. ^^

Be happy.....