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people say to live your life to the fullest.
how can you live it to the fullest if you don't know how to live..?
inside i'm breaking...and don't know how to stop it...
i'm scared but won't admit it.
for no one turely knows me...
i put on a mask to hide my true face...
a face of pain and emptiness...and fear...and so much more...
my heart is as black as my bedroom walls...
for love does not fill it..for don't know what true love or any kind of love truely is...
to me it is just a four letter word..and nothing more...
for love is a feeling and that feeling is what matters...but how do you know you feel it...
if you have never experienced it before?
"I love you" is just three words and nothing more but the feeling..
is so much more if you truely feel it.
for years i've hidden my true self...
but my spirit is tired and worn out of storing it deep within...
so know i'm breaking...and falling apart...
my insides are decaying...how can one stop that from happening...have no answers...
on the outside i put on a fake smile to most...
only some get a true one... but not most...
my family are frustrating me,can't seem to stop fighting with my mother...how awful a person i am...
but none understand me...my true self for even i don't...
the truth is i don't know how to love...
i know i don't love my family...but doesn't mean i don't care for them for i do...
would not wish them any harm...could not bare that...
have lost so many as it is...don't want to lose anymore...
but can't stand them anymore...want away from them...from this place...
i regret the day of my birth...wish just to have died in the womb...a horrible thing to say...
but true...for i'm tired of life and pain...
don't know what to do anymore...
there is just two people that give me hope.. that my world is not crashing apart...
but sometimes my eyes get blurry and don't seem to see them or even hear their words...
for my darkness surrounds me blocks out the light...covers my ears of such sounds...and all i want to do is scream so loud to burst open...
but i'm a coward...just hide in my isolation and cry...when the tears stop...
i continue to whimper...seems like hours go by until the whimpering stops as well...
my heart is empty...at most i feel like ripping out my heart from my chest...the blood drips down my arms as i hold it in my hands...throw it in the flames...watching as the firery flames burn my once beating heart to ash...
lay the heart's ashes in my hands...letting the wind blow it away far from me...
watching my ashen heart travel through the air...
going anywhere...everywhere...except back to me...
this is how i feel...walking around with no heart...but yet i breathe so if air fells my lungs then that means my heart does beat...
yet why do i not feel it in my chest...
have no answer to that...
inside i'm falling apart...pieces of my true self are falling...i have no clue how to piece them back together...
maybe i will never be whole...the future is filled with surprises...
all i know is this...to live life to the fullest...
i must first find out what is life...
it will be hard...might never succeed but i must try...right?...i don't know...i'm scared...
will my insides ever be whole again?
or is the real question...were they ever whole to begin with?
maybe i have lied to myself like i do to those around me...
well i don't lie to them just don't give them all the facts...
say my true feelings fully...only those closest to me get a degree inside my decaying self.....
maybe one day i will open up all the way to someone...
someone i trust a 100%...
but only if they would want to listen...and be patient for it will take awhile to let out a lifetime of bottled emotions...
but then what would they think of me...would they run away...abandoning me...isolated for forever.....