i wrote this to my cousin to whom i had plans with. just feel like it should be out there for anyone who might care or feel the same way.
I feel like Im letting you down by telling you what Im about to tell you. because I talked so much s**t about going to college and our need to do it. everyone around me was telling me this is how i needed to live, and i believed them.
but as we near graduation, im finding that... idk. i feel like school is a waste of time. i feel that learning isn't stupid ******** projects and deadlines and showing people how smart we are by a piece of paper and a pencil. I think its all bullshit. I think people can be smart and wise and amazingly intellectual people without having A's in school. i might have spoken to you about a road trip. i want to get with a small group of people who im really close with, get into a car and ******** go. who cares where, just go. i feel like people pressurize us to get a job so we can make a living. living doing what? if we truly dont love what we're doing are we really living? i havent found myself. i feel like if i just... took a huge risk and went on a crazy adventure on a road trip, id be more free and understanding. to me smartness isnt ******** knowing useless information that we'll never in our lives look back to. to me smartness is learning by experience and people and doing or reading about things that you love to do. Not this bullshit high school and college. i dont know, i feel trapped. and everything that im saying probably sounds ridiculous or ******** retarded and stupid but i truly feel trapped. but i dont have a ******** job to save up money, or a drivers license, or any friend with a car that also wants to do this. i feel alone and like if i truly say how im feeling to others that they will think im stupid and belittle me. everyone i know is so caught up in drama and friends and college and i stand there... listening to everyone... feeling so detached. because i cant relate to anyone. i cant relate to anything everyone is going through. and its so ******** hard to be a good friend but not give a damn. i feel like people are wasting their lives. I want to go on this road trip to find out who i really am.
but this isnt going to happen. its unrealistic, and i dont have money or any support from anyone.
my friend was telling me about americorp. you probably heard of it. well its a program that sends you somewhere to help the environment and people that need help. they pay for your room and food. i want to do it. i want to do it after high school. im still going to college, sadly, because you truly do need some kind of education past high school to get a job nowadays. but i dont know what i want to do yet. i feel, and hope, that if i do this americorp thing that i will realize what i want to do. and another good thing, is that when youre done with americorp they give the money you earned to the college that you wanna go to to pay some of it.
i remember you saying you didnt want to go to college before. and if i said anything against it, im sorry im sorry im so so sorry. you really shouldnt listen to me sometimes. im stupid and i dont think. but if youre not sure what you want to do either, maybe you can do this with me. it would be great. but thats only if you want to.
also, sorry for the essay. lol.
I feel like Im letting you down by telling you what Im about to tell you. because I talked so much s**t about going to college and our need to do it. everyone around me was telling me this is how i needed to live, and i believed them.
but as we near graduation, im finding that... idk. i feel like school is a waste of time. i feel that learning isn't stupid ******** projects and deadlines and showing people how smart we are by a piece of paper and a pencil. I think its all bullshit. I think people can be smart and wise and amazingly intellectual people without having A's in school. i might have spoken to you about a road trip. i want to get with a small group of people who im really close with, get into a car and ******** go. who cares where, just go. i feel like people pressurize us to get a job so we can make a living. living doing what? if we truly dont love what we're doing are we really living? i havent found myself. i feel like if i just... took a huge risk and went on a crazy adventure on a road trip, id be more free and understanding. to me smartness isnt ******** knowing useless information that we'll never in our lives look back to. to me smartness is learning by experience and people and doing or reading about things that you love to do. Not this bullshit high school and college. i dont know, i feel trapped. and everything that im saying probably sounds ridiculous or ******** retarded and stupid but i truly feel trapped. but i dont have a ******** job to save up money, or a drivers license, or any friend with a car that also wants to do this. i feel alone and like if i truly say how im feeling to others that they will think im stupid and belittle me. everyone i know is so caught up in drama and friends and college and i stand there... listening to everyone... feeling so detached. because i cant relate to anyone. i cant relate to anything everyone is going through. and its so ******** hard to be a good friend but not give a damn. i feel like people are wasting their lives. I want to go on this road trip to find out who i really am.
but this isnt going to happen. its unrealistic, and i dont have money or any support from anyone.
my friend was telling me about americorp. you probably heard of it. well its a program that sends you somewhere to help the environment and people that need help. they pay for your room and food. i want to do it. i want to do it after high school. im still going to college, sadly, because you truly do need some kind of education past high school to get a job nowadays. but i dont know what i want to do yet. i feel, and hope, that if i do this americorp thing that i will realize what i want to do. and another good thing, is that when youre done with americorp they give the money you earned to the college that you wanna go to to pay some of it.
i remember you saying you didnt want to go to college before. and if i said anything against it, im sorry im sorry im so so sorry. you really shouldnt listen to me sometimes. im stupid and i dont think. but if youre not sure what you want to do either, maybe you can do this with me. it would be great. but thats only if you want to.
also, sorry for the essay. lol.
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