Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

All my life, from when i was just new to the present day, I've had a long running issue with food. I was never skinny. Even as a baby I was quite large. And food was always present. It was always around me and I was fed a lot. Growing up, I was told to finish everything on my plate or I couldn't leave the table. In my family, we often went back for seconds or thirds. This way the food didn't go to waste. And growing up, I was imbibed with the thought that if I didn't eat food, it would go to waste. I'm not sure what to led to it, but soon I began to feel if I didn't eat the food, then the food would feel bad and not like me. So I ate, all the time. I felt like all food had to be consumed becuase I felt like if I didn't eat it now, it wouldn't be there the next day. I've struggled with emotional eating, eating out of boredom, and eating just becuase i had a craving. I would always over do it. Every year I would get bigger. I went on a diet in the 4th grade....THE 4TH GRADE!!! How sad is that? When most kids were out playing, I was going to weigh in at the place, Weight Watchers. But even though I lost a ton of weight, I put it all back on and then some when I went to visit my dad. Apparently, he thought I was underweight so when i was there, we ate all the time and didn't follow my diet. Through my middle school years, it got worse and I fell into depression. I became anti-social. High school I was still big. I was never a normal teenager. I didn't like going out in public, I had barely had any friends. I talked to a ton of people in school but I didn't really consider them friends. I was pretty closed off and only talked to make people laugh, cuz that's all I thought I was good for, making people laugh. I was also very smart, but not book smart. But still, I felt as I had always felt since birth. That everyone hated me and no one would ever love me, due to my size and my appearance. I'm 21 now, I still feel this way but now, I've turned around. I don't eat emotionally anymore. In fact, I barely eat at all. I count calories and I'm on a strict 900 calorie a day diet (going for less when I drop my first 20 pounds). I want to be skinny and pretty and food is getting in the way of that. I fear I will always have a problem with food, but now it won't make me fat anymore. I have tons of motivation to lose as well. Everyone around me thinks I'm fat, and they're not hesistant to state it. At work I'm surrounded by food all day!! Chips, cookies, sweets, sodas, cheeses, etc. All kinds of junk and it gets so hard to keep away from temptation but I'm trying to fight it. Even co-workers hint at it "You eat all the time". "oh must be lunch time, you've got the usual" -.- NO MORE!! And don't sit there and tell me "You're not fat". I'm 5'2" and I weigh 230 pounds! THATS MAJORLY OBESE PEOPLE!!!! So there you have it. Glad I got that off my chest, now my hunger has gone away.