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I really feel like I have the heart of a bird, sometimes ... flighty, fearful, wanting to always be independent and free - sometimes wanting only to be alone, sometimes wanting companionship ...

How do you catch a bird? How do you hold it in your hand so that it is not hurt or frightened and that its freedom is not taken away? Years back, someone who dated me said, "I can't seem to catch you, Amanda." There was a good reason for that ... he was manipulative, abusive, domineering ... so I was right to fear him. And now, I'm just afraid ... and I don't know how not to be afraid ... Even the one boyfriend (a different person) who treated me reasonably well ended up abandoning the relationship without a word of explanation ... that was ... 2 - 3 months after the relationship began, I believe - and it was a long-distance online relationship. He just stopped answering my PMs one day and didn't answer any of my calls or emails. Finally, after having tried to call him maybe like once a week for 3 ? weeks, he picked up and we had a short conversation and he said that he couldn't talk to me on the phone anymore ... I signed in to the IM thing every night ... waiting ... and he didn't remember my birthday that passed during these weeks of silence ... So in the end, the one who had treated me decently before that also became just another nightmare ...


Boyfriend 1: constantly trying to seduce me, ignoring my physical boundaries, said something insulting about my physical appearance

Boyfriend 2 (engaged to him for awhile): manipulating, abusive, domineering, said something insulting about my physical appearance, spiritually abusive in certain ways

Boyfriend 3 (engaged to him for awhile): abandoned me without a word of explanation - not even an argument preceeding the abandonment that would give me some idea as to why

"Almost-Boyfriend" 1: (a guy who was trying to get me to go out with him, but never made it official): told me that I looked "ugly" and "fat", manipulative, abusive, domineering, spiritually abusive in certain ways, and there was a certain quality about him ... I think he had the potential to be violent ...

"Almost-Boyfriend" 2: (a guy who was trying to get me to go out with him, but never made it official): would say that he'd call at certain times but never did, would say that he'd be online to chat at certain times and wasn't there ... ended up texting me one day out of the blue to say he had gotten engaged and was getting married in 3 weeks ...


But how do these nightmares begin? With the sweetest of words that give the appearance of the best of intentions ... and slowly, insidiously ... things start happening that shouldn't happen ...

This is why I am afraid to be caught ... this is why sometimes I think that the best thing for me to do would to become a nun or something (except that I'm a Protestant) - or just to swear off all possibility of a romantic relationship altogether ...

I am too passive, too easily taken in by the deceit of wolves in sheep's clothing ... thank God that I have enough of a bird's heart in me to take flight as soon as I recognize what is happening. So, while I am easily lead into a relationship, I can flee when I need to. My heart does not remain bound to someone who is mistreating me. When I am sure that it is a nightmare, I can flee with a free heart ... I cannot love someone who is doing the kind of things they were doing ... I don't think that I ever loved any of them - it was easy to let them go, because they were hurting me, and once the relationship was over, I was glad and relieved.

Basically, if you were to take all the different ways that all these different guys hurt me, you would come up with:

sexual abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, abandonment, etc. The only kind of abuse that is missing from this list is actual physical assault/abuse (hitting, punching, etc.)

Meek people attract predators ...

That is why I am afraid. There must be other people who would be drawn to me who would treat me gently and lovingly - who would cherish and respect me, would not try to change me or control me in any way. I believe that I have found such a person now, but I'm still afraid, because all I've ever known are people who did these kind of things ... it's those honeyed words in the few first days and weeks that had me fooled at first ... So afraid now, so afraid ...