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I'm still really hating myself for having been such an idiot ... I felt so weird wandering into the recruitment thread and trying to act like everything was normal. Talk about an "ignoring the elephant in the room" situation. It was so awkward. There are two people I really should apologize to again, because I don't feel that apologizing in the thread last night is really good enough. But it's kind of like ... sometimes, you just have to not say anything else about it anymore and try to pretend that it didn't happen for awhile ... maybe, when things smooth out more ... after some time has passed, but then - isn't that just bringing up old wounds if I wait a couple days or weeks for a more in-depth apology to them? I don't know ...

I should have listened to that part of me that was thinking, "I know I need to talk to someone about this somehow, but maybe this is not the best way to deal with it ..." I was very emotional and feeling really hurt, but what I should have done, instead of acting on those emotions, is to have walked away from the situation for a couple hours. That is what I almost ended up doing, and I wish now that I had. Facing a situation like that head on would have been okay with people I had known and been friends with for several years, maybe, but not for new friends that I haven't known long - and online friends, at that. Many people don't even see that as friendship, really. Sometimes, it's just a friendly acquaintanceship of sorts. But, I made many really good, true friends on Gaia a few years back, so I know it is possible to make real, true friends online. I guess I was kind of hoping that would, could, or might eventually with these particular people, but lord ... who among them would want to be friends with me now? Of course, you can't know what would have been, only what is. You can't even know what will be until it happens. But ... I'm going to be a lot more cautious about many things from now on. I don't want anything like that to ever happen again.

I cannot begin to express just how much I wish I could crawl under a rock somewhere and never be heard from in that roleplay ever again. That sounds so good right about now ... *fantasizes* But that is not the mature thing to do, and it's not the right thing to do. So, heck ... I don't know - I could either maybe not post in the recruitment thread and OOC where it just feels too personal, because it's a group chat, or ... I don't know. But it was so weird tonight. I didn't feel right about being there. I'm glad I had something that I had to do, so that I could leave early, but ... I don't know. I'll just keep posting in the roleplay for now, maybe eventually go back to posting in the OOC and recruitment thread. But we really do need to recruit more for the thread ... No, I'll probably have to keep posting there, but it's so weird now - I just feel strange. I mean, I hurt and disillusioned them with my panicking about this silly thing. And for me to just walk in there the next night and act like nothing happened, with nothing more than a brief apology the night before .... it just doesn't seem right. *tears out hair in frustration* I don't really know what to do. I guess the only thing to do is just to let time pass. Hopefully, the passage of time will smooth things out to the point where my stupid mistake isn't the only thing on my mind when I try to relate to them. I can't get over it right now - having acted like such an idiot. sad