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ok this is a hella long one but i had a real crappy day at school today and just needed to rant and vent....its better then breakinging things around the house stressed


Why is it that some of us are good enough and others aren’t? Why do some have all the luck and others have none? I have no idea how I am to start this for I have no idea where to start. Ok well today was worth s**t, first off I found out that some of my best guy friends are smoking and doing weed and s**t. And I am mad at them for that, I guess I am just mad today, but mostly at…well me. I am really such a stupid person, I cannot believe I let myself fall for those old tricks again, I cannot believe that for once I actually had the illusion that I was good enough for him. I seriously do not know what I am to do, I just feel like I want to turn up the music so loud that it reverberates my body and just lets me completely slip behind the melody, away from everything and everyone. Or like I want to stand out in the rain until I myself melt into the ground with it, like I just want to be another shadow in this world, I just want to disappear for a while. I just want to be gone, to leave for a little while where nothing and everything doesn’t matter. I guess he just has some power over me, because I was dumb enough to get caught in the same cage as I did last year. I have no idea what’s wrong with me, but I am sick of it, I am tired of never being good enough, I am sick of the “shes cute..but” because it seems that that’s as far as I ever go. I can never make it past that point, there MUST be some sort of wall or defect inside me, there is something wrong with me there just has to be, that just makes it so that I cannot seem to get anyone not to just pause and stay in that one place. Why is it that such sweet words must sound so bitter coming from sour lips and sly tongue? Why do I hear things likes your beautiful, your so pretty, I am so jealous of you…when I know that they are lying? For if they spoke the truth, I would not be feeling like this. Like I always just am never good enough, I fell for the same god damn tricks as last year!!!! I just cannot believe that I ever thought I was even close to good enough. I guess I should just keep my fantasy’s and dreams inside my stories because they are never going to come true for me, it seems like any time I thought things were going good…of course like karma everything has to come crashing down at my feet. I just feel so stupid, I fell for this last year with Tony and now I am just repeating myself with Taylor, I really should just give up, because I am done. I am so sick of being led into thinking that he likes me and that I may have even the slightest chance…having daydreams about completely nothing, and it didn’t matter because it was good enough that it was about me and him. I probably should stop dreaming, stop thinking and just give up. Because it seems that anytime I dream it stays a dream. But I do not want to stop dreaming and thinking because those thoughts might be all I have, that may be as far as I get. And I like those thoughts and dreams, I can’t help but thinking about them and wishing with all my might that they may someday soon come true but that’s stupid, for dreams don’t come true, no matter what anyone says, people say everything begins with a dream but that is a lie for dreams are called dreams because they aren’t real. They are just images in our heads that make us feel good when we think about them, not because someday they will come true. Now I know it seems entirely stupid to get this worked up over a guy, but this has happened to me so many times before that I should know better by now. (boy makes girl thinks he likes her, girl tells boy her feelings, boy says “ur cute but I like someone else” girl puts on fake smile and sweetly says ok but is crushed and feels like an idiot) I guess all in all what I am really trying to say is that I am such an idiot, or at least I feel like an idiot. I had dreams, and thought of them often, I thought he was falling for me the same way I was for him (his friends had to drag him over to me to talk to me and he blushed the whole god damn time! Who wouldn’t have thought the same thing?) but it turns out that it was only some twisted sick joke, I know he didn’t mean to do it on purpose but it still hurts none the less. I know this play by heart, and I am always the one to get assigned the role of the broken, the one who has such faith but only for a few days then, well it all goes to hell in a hand basket and all the character wants to do is run as far away as possible, or put on more makeup to mask the fact that she is sad and just wants to run but cannot for all eyes are on her, and she is chained to the stage, forever a part of the never ending play, until she is finally too broken or has given her last breath. And she is replaced by another poor sad-faced girl that wears a fake smile and painted happiness when she is truly dyeing inside, just waiting…dreaming for the day she will have the lead role, but that is just a dream and she bound to the role that was chosen for her, the one she must live through and act out all her life. Dream is but a word that we humans like to use as a given sense of hope, something everyone knows will never happen but it is nice to think of the thought that they might, but we all know they won’t. I hate telling myself but "this dream was different I can feel it"…because that is not true either, he said he liked me and even got nervous around me, but I still wasn’t good enough to get past that point. I don’t think I will ever be…which confuses me on why I keep choosing to fight when all I do is get knocked down and kicked in the face. I should just give up, I should just say “I GIVE” throw my hands in the air and just sit and cry like I want to, I should stop dreaming and stop with my silly non-sense for I am not good enough. I guess that is my problem right there…I just am not good enough, but for some reason I always try to put that out of mind and see what I want to see instead of what is truly and actually there. I really should just learn my place as just an on-watcher, because nothing will ever happen for me, and if it does its nothing good, or at least the good does not last long, before i am begging to just be alone, disapear and cry until i mold into the earth itself....