I. HATE how i'm expected to 'grow up' a certain way, and it's very annoying when someone tries to control your entire life, I want most to do things how I feel they should be done, and i'm not allowed that leniance.
The person who's meant to be the most understanding and able-to-talk to is actually someone who makes my life a living hell, as sad as it is to admit, doesn't get me and has not given me any good piece of advice, well.. ever.
What really kills me and makes it hard to breathe, like trying to punch through a titanium wall, is that it's impossible to give my own thoughts on anything without inducing a ******** argument (excuse the language), it's so hard to survive, i'm glad i can say this knowing it's telling atleast one or two people who care to read
Yeah, i'm not an emo-gaian player.. I'm venting my frustration, one thing that's so annoying, is that when I say something frustrates me or makes me angry, they don't listen, and tell me I shouldn't feel like that, and that it's not true, and that it makes me feel calm, how can it when i just for gods sake, freaking told her that it made me feel that way!!?!?!? seriously, some kind of god damn mental problem is with them.
and no matter what I do, (trust me i've tried) If i fight it, it gets worse, so I have to put up with it, every, single, day - I wish I could get away from it, it's like a burning hell inside my head, I can't say anything to prevent it, if I do, it gets worse, I cannot wait till I can move, I absolutely, 100%, CANNOT. WAIT.
I hate it so much, that I just don't feel any love here anymore, and do not care, sometimes I just want to shout out as loud as I can.
No one to talk to, maybe i've turned quiet because of having to deal with my problems by myself all the time, it's almost like a daily thing now, how could anyone live like I do? They would have killed themselves or ran away, constantly, until they escaped, by now.
I hate having to feel as if I have to put up with it, If only i could somehow get past the annoying things that's said, is there really some supernatural force, was I put through this purposefully? was I chosen to be born into a world of frustration and self-learning? It's so hard to deal with sometimes.
I don't want to break down when I grow up, I hope i'm strong enough to handle and contain this for a few years longer.. my whole mindset and heart, and entire soul, is built up from pain throughout my past, i'm practically one big scar, all I want is to enjoy my life with happyness, rather than arguing, and fighting, and continuasly hopelessly sending an extremely easy to understand point across to someone. or tell how I feel, without being beaten down into submission of an entirely false, screwed up opinion.
I want to have fun, and spend time to make friends smiling and hang out with them, and happily talk to someone freely - and hug Onnie, because I love her so much.. If it wasn't for all of the frustration I would definitly be able to concentrate a LOT better, and do better at everything I want to do, and also get to do things I want to do. I don't want to follow someone around like a sheep, I want to be myself, and I can't do that in this lifestyle, I can't wait till it's over... I WISH for it to be over.. I should move with my sister, I hope I get the guts to ask that sometime soon. Or my life is going to be ruined. I hate it so much that I actually love going to school because it's like a holiday from it all, maybe that's why I hate being in holidays and miss it so much, though alot of people think otherwise.. but for me.. that's how I feel..
I just want to be a good person, and help make people happy, especially onnie and my close friends, if that's taken away.. I don't know what I would do, I wouldn't have a reason to live.. and to keep fighting through this hell.
That's why I continue I guess, being with them for even a little bit.. helps me in ways my dear friends could never imagine, it takes away alot of my worries.. You guys are my real family, and it doesn't bother me to say that, not a bit, it's not the blood relations people have to others that make them important, it's how you feel and how strong the bond is with relations to others - that's an important thing to understand and remember..
I love you guys!
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Comet's Journal
My journal that I will try to fill in occasionally when I feel like putting in memorable things.
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