Maybe once the bottom is reached the next logical direction is not upwards but merely horizontal - a static position where the masters of self indulgence and pity wallow. Ha! That's what we are - wallowers and harborers and just plain ******** idiots. I feel uncomfortable being a liar, but I am extremely ******** terrified of being honest; so what do I do? I strike a middle ground and use lies to, well not tell the truth but call out my lying. Occasionally even i after to compromise and vent in a public journal that no on reads. I realize I have not done my best to keep a low profile, a fact I am perversely proud of. But I realize that there is no such thing as a confessional that dances around what I want to say, but what I have to say is not in words. I can spend a lifetime inside my own head and two more trying (and failing) to articulate myself. My main internet time wasters; 4chan, mousehunt (facebook), and stumble are blocked. I can access them I suppose but I'm too lazy to even entertain myself. I call this entry an honest one but I'm not that stupid to discuss the origins of this newfound(?) apathy. Partly because someone might actually read this but also partially because if I discuss it I'll have to will myself towards an answer. Alright, quit the bush beating, I proclaim it: I'm a c**t. I'm every nasty figurative insinuation that epithet can ensue. I'm the curse of that curse word. I'm every unpleasant association that would make you flinch upon making it that that word can possibly bring. And for this I apologize with all my heart. Alright - part one of a confessional: the apology. Now for the self realization, an epiphany if you will. If I am to remain sedentary I have to first find out why I am here. I am here because I willed it. Because I was able to look past my selfish ********, useless self and made my choice. And yet I made the choice only because I can't stand the guilt. Well that's my honest moment, that I don't expect anyone to read but myself in a few days. Because if I am to be honest with myself I have to give myself these little reminders. But if someone else does read this, I suppose I partly wished to give a glimpse of who I am and how I operate, even if this note is mainly esoteric and self referential. It'll mean something different to an audience than the author, that is why I adapted my thought for accessibility.
The End. (Up=down)
I swear to Scandinavian drunks, I'm not an Ethiopian princess.
