I wonder why I never say what's really on my mind.
I mean, it's not like every time I do, it seems that everything around me is telling me, "This is what you get for speaking your mind."
Every time I start to think I'm not alone, I speak out, and then well, whaddya know, they just don't get it. And then I've caused them a bunch of worry because they don't get it. And who knows what it does to us afterward. This is what's worrying me so bad now. I've spoken my mind and now I don't know yet of the consequences, but it's worrying me sick.
Now I finally get why I don't seem to fit in with most people in my classes. It's not because they're all rich and I've been poor most my life. It's not because they're so nice and outgoing and I'm just shy. I don't even think it's because our interests are so different. It's because they're happy. They don't go home and get all depressed when no one's around. My real friends, I can't say for sure but I think they understand, even though we never talk about it. I think we just have this mutual understanding between us. I know my closest friends do. Whenever I need to vent, they're there to remind me I'm not alone.
I just forgot. But I've learned my lesson. Keep it to those friends, and to everyone else, let them think I'm happy all the time. Even someone who's supposed to be closer than anyone; if he doesn't get it, don't say a word.
Geez, I'm so sorry. I thought you might have understood me, too. But it turns out you were just what you seemed, and I'm not what you thought I was. But I can go back to that if you just forget that one slip.
Oh, know what else? Slowly all this guilt for these weird feelings is slipping away. Now I know I'm not the only one who actually likes to be sad. And now I understand why. It's the same thing I'm always talking about when I say I'm afraid of change. This sadness is a part of me, like an ex-boyfriend, and if I completely move on then it feels like I'm leaving a piece of me behind. So I hold it close, even while I wish to be happy all the time.
 LadyAlisyn · Wed Jul 22, 2009 @ 06:59pm · 0 Comments |
